Interpreting the most popular bogus statements in Bollywood

Every Bollywood release - be it music, movies or awards shows - is accompanied by an elaborate press junket. In these press meet and greets, a number of inane questions are asked. The poorly prepared stars provide equally inane answers. The really smart stars try for a bit to give well thought out answers, realize its all futile and go back to the inane posturing.

A number of standard questions even have their standard answers. And these have all become such clichés, that the standard answers even have standard hidden meanings!

It's about time someone documented the interpretations behind the most popular bogus statements in Bollywood. Think of it as a guide to help you understand what someone might really be saying.

Cliché: Thank you, I look young because of my strict diet regimen and daily yoga routine!
The real McCoy: That Botox treatment worked out really well didn't it?

Cliché: I don't mind showing skin, but only if it is NOT cheap and vulgar!
The real McCoy: Or if opportunity is involved. Then even Rajesh Khanna pouncing on me is acceptable.

Cliché: I don't mind kissing on screen, but only if its required by the script!
The real McCoy: Yes, my last ten on-screen kisses were right there in the script and said "Required"

Cliché: I compete only with myself!
The real McCoy: Otherwise I'd be losing out all the time

Cliché: I have no problems working with Shahrukh Khan!
The real McCoy: But my boyfriend does

Cliché: Even though my role is small, its a really important one!
The real McCoy: Who am I kidding?! The only small, important roles in Bollywood are played by bikinis.

Cliché: [Insert name here] is a very organized director!
The real McCoy: He expected me to show up on the sets ON TIME!

Cliché: [Insert name here] and I are like sisters!
The real McCoy: We now have open cat fights like sisters instead of stabbing each other in the back like acquantainces

Cliché: I am taking a break!
The real McCoy: No one has offered me a film in the last six months

Cliché: I am so excited to be working in Tamil films for a change!
The real McCoy: Well, its better than taking a break, no?

Cliché: I am playing a very different role in this film - that of a stuntman!
The real McCoy: Although its a stunt man who chases skirts and does pretty much the same things I did as a club owner in my previous hit

Cliché: My movie is a full-on entertainer, but with a hatke theme
The real McCoy: Right, I play a lawyer instead of a college student - hatke no?

Cliché: My performance has been appreciated by a lot of people!
The real McCoy: I am so grateful to my family members, my close friends and my chamchaas for appreciating that stinker

Cliché: What's Aspi's Drift? Is that a new flavor of ice cream?
The real McCoy: Man, I hope he doesn't watch my new TV show and write about it. I've been checking  every week until the season is over!

Kambakkht Ishq: Its all about men!

There are two things about Kambakkht Ishq that you need to know.

First, avoid taking your kids to this movie. Not because of the sex and violence - both of which are quite comical and nothing that would make Disney channel regulars bat an eyelid. But because most of us have spent so much time teaching our kids about gender equality. Why turn the clock back and do untold damage to those young minds? So, avoid for kids.

Kambakkht Ishq is all about men. Don't believe me? Listen to this.

Actor: Akshay Kumar
Role: MAN slut

Akshay Kumar in a reprise of his role in Heyy Babyy - is a man slut. He sleeps around constantly. He hits on almost anyone in a skirt - unless that skirt happens to be worn by a big, black woman. He pretty much hates the opposite sex - using them as self serving objects to power his machismo. Early on in the movie, he is confronted by two girlfriends. From the sidelines Brandon Routh wonders "how will he get out of this one?". Akki's chamchaa answers "Practice!"

Akshay strikes up a near murderous relationship with Kareena but at a crucial moment has a change of heart. This change of heart is brought on by Kareena snuggling up to him in a little girl voice and seeking assurance that he is not 'like other men'. Yes, scores of other women dumped by Akshay couldn't figure out that all you had to do to tame the man was to act underage.

Actor: Kareena Kapoor
Role: MAN hater

Kareena hates men - ostensibly because of the divorces of her mum and sister, for whom she blames the men. She is a surgeon in making, paying for her med school by modelling on the side. At one point she slices and dices Akshay Kumar's lower intestines. This scene was much fun to watch although it could have been better if Akshay's lines - which were meant to be jokes - had been cut.

But with two major careers at hand, Kareena's taming and subsequent happiness requires a man. A truly worthy one at that. Who could that be? You guessed it! Man Slut!

Actor: Amrita Arora
Role: MANtally challenged

Amrita doesn't know much about men - although the same could be said about her in other areas of life. She takes advice from Kareena and withholds sex from her new husband. Later, when she discovers her husband with his pants down at a major makeout club, she inexplicably tapes almost all the objects in her house with blue plumber's tape. Don't ask!

Actor: Denise Richards
Role: Maneater

Denise Richards - the "mega" Hollywood star in this movie - plays a couger. And I say this only because she looks more trashed out than Akki himself. She strikes up a relationship with Man slut and goes shopping with him - which has since resulted in real life admiration. But because she spends most of her time sleeping with Akki - which as anyone will tell you is terribly inappropriate behavior for women - she has to dumped. At the altar, no less.

Kareena and Akki both spend some time making kachra of her in the movie. This, I admit, was fun to watch.

Actor: Sylvestor Stallone
Role: Man mower

Stallone's face in this movie looks like its been constructed from billowy cotton balls. He hands an award to Akki for Stuntman of the year - prompting a hysterical 'small town boy makes good' speech from Akshay. Later he beats up a bunch of really bad goondas who just happen to be all black men. First he pins them to a wall by pushing a car against them with his bare hands. Then he rips out a parking meter and swings it around. This earns him the undying gratitude of Kareena and Amrita.

Actor: Kiron Kher
Role: Man search engine

Kiron plays Kareena's aunt - who like any good aunt - is constantly trying to get Kareena hitched. At a crucial juncture Kiron reveals that Kareena's parents' broken relationship was her mum's fault. After some delicious overacting, Kiron delivers this bit of information out of the blue and in a trembling dialog. This, I also admit, was much fun to watch and elicited many chuckles from me.

Which brings me to the second thing you need to know. There are only two ways to really sit through this movie: consume lots of alcohol beforehand or have a friend chain you to the seat.

Fashion Revisited: The fate of Bad Girls in Bollywood

There used to be a time in Bollywood when bad girls were depicted doing some scandalous things. These scandalous things were used not just to help us identify the bad girl but also give us an indication of the extent of her badness.

Secretly I used to dig them - the real reason I hated villains was that they had access to these girls and never quite appreciated them fully. I loved Komila Wirk. I worshipped Helen. I wanted to be Bindu's neighbor.

What did these bad girls do in movies that condemned them to a horrible fate - like say a bullet in their heaving bosoms or the leering attention of people like Madan Puri? Several things including but not limited to:

Wearing a short skirt
Showing some cleavage
Smoking a cigarette
Sipping sharaab
Doing a caberet
Possessing hazel eyes
Seductively draping self over a couch, floor or other horizontal surface
And the doozy: Cozying up to Ranjeet

These days no one would bat an eyelid if the grand behenji of Bollywood heroines - Gracy Singh herself - did all of the above. In the first half of a movie! Ok, well maybe not all of them - but you get my point.

Still as were the demands of society and cinema (or both), bad girls needed to be taught a lesson and most used to perish faster than the token black guy in Star Trek.

Sometimes they had a change of heart, but it came too late and they still had to kick the bucket - usually after taking a knife in the spleen intended for someone else.

A lot of guys who did bad things (or guys who had 'strayed' during the course of a movie) got to make a comeback and end the story with a happily ever after. This cinematic journey, sadly, wasn't available to bad girls in mass market movies. More than the gender inequality of it - I've always felt that this made for rather predictable and hence boring cinema.

Which is why, despite its unevenness, I enjoyed watching Fashion - Madhur Bhandarkar's barbed wire bouquet to the Indian Fashion industry.

Fashion has a very ghisa pita, but well tested nevertheless, story - a grounded, middle-class girl (Meghna Mathur) played by Priyanka Chopra arrives in Mumbai with dreams of becoming a super model. She struggles. She tries really hard with mixed results (this comment would also apply to Priyanka's acting).

Through a series of fortunate events (and one smoking bod) she makes it big. She compromises. She begins a downward spiral - first personally and then professionally. She unravels. Finally, down in the dumps, she takes time off to reflect. She makes a comeback.

But does she still have what it takes? Does she still have the talent to sashay about 30 steps, turn and matkofy back again? Bhais ki poonch! If only Priyanka had to land an F-16 on a skating rink or cure cancer instead. But I digress. Back to the point I was trying to make.

In Fashion, Priyanka becomes a bad girl for a while. She does innumerable bad things. Yet in the end, she is able to put it all behind her and becomes a star again. Everyone welcomes her back with open arms.

Sure there is another girl (Kangana Ranaut) who tries the same thing and meets a rather unforgiving end. And Priyanka does have to go back to being somewhat goody two shoes again before she is allowed into the cozy folds of happily ever after.

But all progress can't be measured by a yardstick. Sometimes an inch ruler has to suffice.

I realize this progress could only further reinforce the slutty girlfriend who is expected to become a virginal savitri after marriage stereotype. Which is why I'd like to make a binati to Fashion's filmmaker.

Madhur, I'd like you to make a movie called "Shaadi" - a ceremony that has reached such nutty proportions of made up riwaaz, commerce and dikhawa that its ripe for satire. I suggest at least one character who is a wild child wife who does all kinds of crazy things and totally gets away with it.

Be sure to cast Gracy Singh.

Anu Malik, lift teri band hai! Here's how to get it going again

Is Anu Malik important in Indian filmi music? Yes! The reason is that he combines a certain brashness, a little bit of crazy, a fierce sense of competitiveness and undeniable talent in one package that is hard to find among music composers.

Is Anu Malik still relevant in Indian filmi music? Increasingly less so! We've discussed Anu's choppiness before when reviewing Love Story 2050 - his last major studio release. His long awaited soundtrack to the Kareena-Akshay starrer Kambakkht Ishq provides another data point.

Its a hugely interesting one - because Anu comes to the party armed with a bunch of gorgeous tunes. Yet they all sound average when laid to music. The reason is simple: Anu's production and musical arrangements sound forced or dated or both.

Take the signature track of this CD: Bebo. Anu has a great tune at hand. He's hired Alisha Chinai to sing the song and by all accounts she sounds flirtatious, fresh and hugely tuney. But it's all laid over pumping, plastic disco beats with little or no variety. This happens again on the title track - Kambakkht Ishq (KK, Sunidhi). The production tastes like a pop tart - throwaway breakfast food with way too much synth sugar.

So what can Anu Malik do to regain his mojo back? I have some phaltu Drift advice to offer.

Listen to RDB's track Om Mangalam on the same CD. It's not exactly a barn buster, but its still interesting. It's important to break up a tune in parts and divert it to a different hook. Straight tunes that play end to end can be done only once on a CD, the days of Laxmi-Pyare are long gone now. Also please note, rap isn't the only game in town when trying to spruce up a song.

Stop composing songs on the keyboard. Use a guitar or get someone who can play one. This will help get some string instruments into the composition. You know the usual suspects - guitar, flutes, violins, heck even a cello? They can make a song sound organic, fresh and uncluttered. Can you imagine a few of these on the gorgeous Kyun (KK, Shreya Ghoshal) and how it would have made the song fly instead of making it sound like it was straining at the leash?

Construct your percussion carefully. In other words, get rid of the programmed drum machines, programmed maracas and programmed claps and have people actually beat some skin (or hit on some tin maybe). Whenever you are lost for ideas - combine a few sounds! Vishal-Shekhar's Tashan remains the landmark CD in terms of diverse and interesting percussion. Spin it a few times and take notes will you?

Now, get to work Anu - I want you back!

You can listen to the Kambakkht Ishq songs on Dhingana

The Shiney Ahuja Defense

Famous - particularly famously loopy - courtroom defenses get their own names.

Why just the other day I was watching Milk. The end credits mentioned that the lawyers of Dan White who shot San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk in 1978 put forth the theory that a bad diet of junk food had resulted in a mental imbalance in the accused. This subsequently came to be known as the Twinkie Defense.

Bollywood needs something silly and entertaining like this. And far be it from me to judge a man who still hasn't made it into court - but this whole Shiney Ahuja circus has me fascinated.

Not so much for the hoopla it is causing - charges of this nature should carry this kind of focus. But the way the press has been hounding the police and trying to get statements out of everyone. Why at one point someone even dragged Pooja Bedi in for a statement - because, you know, Pooja's sometime partner (Aditya Pancholi) had cheated on her with a maid in the past. I suspect Shiney's embattled wife was cornered into stating that rape isn't a gender issue.

While we wait for justice to bubble to the top (and I recognize justice is a subjective word by all means), a police statement about Shiney's breakdown and subsequent confession amused me no end.

Apparently after his admittance to the rape charge, Shiney was asked why he did it. He allegedly said (more or less) that he had no idea it would be such a big deal. Yes, you heard that right.

I would hereby like to name this technique The Shiney Ahuja Defense. Whenever you're in trouble, you basically say: "Crap. I had no idea I was doing something bad!"

It's extremely useful. Look at the all the ways The Shiney Ahuja Defense can be used.

"Yaar ok so I put my foot in my mouth repeatedly and insulted my leading lady. I had no idea it was such a big deal!"

"I lost my cool at my host and dumped a bunch of maa-behen gaalis on him, almost splitting up Bollywood and starting a cold war that could span a dynasty. Tau kya hua bay?!

"Its true I made out with Christian Ronaldo while I still had a boyfriend. Why is that such a big deal!?"

"Bhai, that director wouldn't make a movie with my hard earned smuggler's cash. So I had a supari taken out on him. What's the big deal!?"

"I made fun of my girlfriend and endlessly humiliated her on national TV. I had no idea that was a bad thing to do!"

Dissing Ka Dum: Why Salman behaving badly makes compelling TV

(A lot of the Sallu-Kat analysis in this post done by our resident Love-Chakker guru Mind Rush)

Salman Khan gets a lot of rap for having a temper that is not entirely in his control. But after watching the hugely compelling first few episodes of his cornflake of a contest-show Dus Ka Dum, I'd like to offer an alternative hypothesis: Salman Khan is a man who has a sense of humor that is not entirely in his control.

Having a rampant sense of humor isn't bad in and of itself - but once you see Salman unable to control himself going hammer and tongs at his guests you begin to realize how he got himself into that huge fight with SRK. Or for that matter why his girl Katrina Kaif is always rolling her eyes at him whenever they make an appearance on TV together. But more on that later.

First, a brief roundup of DKD this season. Two guests show up - usually both have something in common, like they are family or they have a movie to promote. Salman asks them one question each, usually based on some bogus poll. The pair play best of five - the winner plays Salman one on one. Salman asks ten questions of the same flavor - each question gets the contestant closer to Rs 10 crores.

There are more rules, but these are all you need to know for now.

Salman basically hosts this show like a rapscallion. He is the dildaar types who is so friendly with everyone that he is on backslapping terms with them all.

Often he'll throw in insider jokes that we may not fully understand. Sometimes, shrewdly he'll bring up a nascent controversy and make a joke about it. Almost always, he'll irritate his celebrity guests. And the joke is that often the joke is on him - he seems to have some fleeting clue that his guests are getting agitated. But he seems to believe this is part of his persona - you only get Salman in wild, bitter shots: take it or leave it. It is a testimony to Salman's celebrity in Bollywood that most choose to take it.

All of this creates a hugely entertaining show - Salman himself seems to be having a ball. And I love watching it simply because I want to see what he'll do next. His guests also react in suitably loopy ways.

Take the Daler Mehndi-Mika Singh episode for instance. Salman asked the two brothers a bunch of tractor-wala type questions. At one point he asked 'How many men believe that alchohol makes them more out of control' (or something similar). Mike put on his straightest face and said 'When people drink, they tend to get more on their guard - so chances of bad behavior are reduced'. No one seemed to take this seriously. How do I know? Because both Salman and older brother Daler burst out laughing immediately. Chastised thus, Mika blurted out a story about how he gate crashed Yuvraj Singh's birthday party once under the influence.

Later yet, Salman asked Daler 'How many men are turned on by their bhaabhis?'. Mika raised his hands and offered this from the sidelines "I love my bhaabhi!". Daler's retort came immediately - "Your place is at your bhaabhi's feet!"

But DKD really shines when a Salman ka jaana-pehchaana celeb shows up - as was the case with sisters Kareena and Karishma or better yet, Katrina Kaif (along with Neil Nitin Mukesh).

Constantly ribbing, infantalizing and at times humiliating Katrina, Salman gave us his version of Girls Gone Wild. One sharply representative example came when he asked Katrina about any media blown controversies between her and her costars. When Katrina chose to clear the air between her and Bips, Salman silently laughed into his palm.

Katrina reacted suitably - she rolled her eyes at his jokes, often making it clear that she wasn't happy at all. She reacted warmly to her costar and fellow competitor Neil Nitin Mukesh - her body language with him was easy, even eager. Salman, on the other hand, was at the receiving end of some very unenthusiastic reactions from Katrina.

After the first few times I thought surely a man in his forties has seen life enough that he gets the point. Happily for my entertainment, Salman isn't one of those. He kept at it - often playacting so much that he made Sushmita Sen look minimalist.

One of the truly fun things about DKD is that the questions are closely and uncompromisingly aligned with the life of the contestant. (Daler was asked if Rakhi Sawant would make a suitable wife - in light of that nutty Mika-Rakhi controversy). In the Katrina episode, Salman threw out some delicious questions about commitment and marriage proposals. To be fair, he didn't spare himself. At one point, he strutted around and asked the audience with a hurt face "Why would any woman ever turn down a proposal by a man?"

Katrina tightened her face muscles and said nothing. Later she got distinctly prickly - castigating Salman for being a homebody when it came to planning vacations.

All through this it took gigantic grace and an inborn talent for diplomacy for the third cog in the wheel to stay in the game with these two. And I would like to report that Neil Nitin Mukesh displayed both in abundance to emerge unscathed from all this. Salman called on him to do a few imitations and then demanded "Shahrukh!"

"He'll get me killed for this" fretted Neil.

"Yes!" said a visibly exasperated Katrina.

Not only did Neil proceed with the SRK imitation but then shrewdly insisted on doing a Salman as well - which he nailed.

Hilarity!

The Horror! Why 13B is the best movie Ekta Kapoor never made

In 13B - writer-director Vikram K. Kumar's blaring horror-thriller - Madhavan finds himself in a jam. He's an Indian male, but he can't stop watching a saas-bahu TV serial.

"It's a matter of life and death for me to watch it!" he informs his police officer friend - sweat pouring over his forehead, his eyes bugged out, his boyish charm appropriately kerfuffled.

The serial has everyone in Madhavan's apartment (the titular 13B) transfixed. No one - it seems - can stop watching it. Disaster after disaster befalls the kutumb in 13B. At one point Madhavan leaves his wife behind in critical condition and speeds through the streets of Mumbai just so he can make it to watch another episode. Yet he won't turn the darned thing off! In fact, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even hold his job down just so he can watch the serial.

Somewhere in the background you can hear Ekta Kapoor telling her minions - YEH SERIAL KI SCRIPT MUJHE KISSI BHI KEEMAT PE CHAHIYE!

Unfortunately the serial (called Sab Khariyat in the movie - but also known as 'Mother Lode' over at Balaji Telefilms) is an entirely concocted one. You see the serial is only broadcast in Madhavan's apartment. Turning the TV off is not an option - the remote doesn't work while its on. Why, one guy even has the brainwave of unplugging the TV. Nope, the serial still plays.

How can this happen, you might ask? Use your imagination! Bhoot-pret, baby!

However, telling you more will only result in spoilers that will ruin your enjoyment of this awesome guilty pleasure. Instead, I'd like to offer phaltu Drift advice to horror filmmakers (and I'm strictly talking about the genre here, not the resulting movie)

Rooting the movie in reality. Sure this whole 'lost souls' concept requires a leap of faith - kind of like superheroes. But more so in a movie that requires an audience to swallow a high concept - you have to ground everything else in as much reality as possible. Events around the high concept have to make sense.

So for example: if the neighbors of a house are nosy enough that they'd collect around the house when a new TV was being installed, they can't all become invisible when someone drags a dead body into same house. Vikram Kumar made the characters in his movie act in sensible ways, but he created such unrealistic situations that it entirely de-glossed his movie.

No expository dialog please! This has been the bane of Indian filmmakers for generations now. Its a result of assuming your audiences are dumb. Because filmmakers are afraid their audiences won't get their pecheeda plots - they offer is a scene in which a character will painstakingly paraphrase everything you've been watching and then will help you read between the lines as well. This construct almost always kills the pace of the movie.

In 13B, the grating expository scene has a bhoot talking directly to her offender via the TV. This is nuts in this day and age - the audience that doesn't get it in your movie won't be there to watch it. So why waste time and insult the rest of those who show up?

More of that great set design - but enough with the dhund! Let me put it this way: lighting a house in a spooky way - B+. Setting a smoke machine loose all over it just because you can - C.

Continue to overdo the crazy camera angles! I love this aspect of a horror movie. Often I analyze the camera angles and speculate where the surprise will come from in a shot. This time pass allows me to survive the scariest scenes. In one scene in which a bhayanak possibility is revealed, the camera starts jagging back and forth - do doubt mimicking the motion of a serial killer sawing his victim's head off.

The motivation has to match the crime. Remember Rock On!! and how a matter of fisticuffs resulted in life-long friends breaking up and ignoring each other for years? Even though it might have been known to have happened, it just doesn't look good on film. If something terrible has happened in a film, the reasons for it to have happened better be terrible. You can't have someone drive a car off a cliff just because they didn't like the color of its upholstery. Not that it happens in 13B, I'm just saying.

Also don't miss:

• The trailer of 13B
• 13B's promo video - Madhavan prances around with red corneas and sings 'Oh Sexy Mama - won't you do the Sa Re Ga Ma" (Baba Sehgal, Anushka Manchanda, Loy Mendosa)
• Vikram K. Kumar talks about the movie and how he filmed it in both Tamil and Hindi

The Drift Humanitarian Award: Sajid Wajid for Paying Guests

The Bollywood strike has ended (interesting numbers quoted here). Normally given the kind of cinematic riff raff that Bollywood puts out, I wouldn't have broken my stride. But afsos, it also affected music releases.

Why, one would ask. Because music plays such a big factor in Bollywood that it kicks off the accompanying publicity junket. If a movie isn't being released, the music is also on hold.

This led to general starvation for someone like me who is more into the music than the movies. On the other hand, it presented an opportunity to catch up with everything else. Thus, I listened to my Gnarls Barkley CDs with more attention than usual. Against all odds, I fell in major like with Mandy Moore's new CD. My player chunked its way through The Ting Tings, The Kills, Metric. I discovered Kanye West. I revisited the ground breaking trip hop of Massive Attack and unique rat-a-tat percussion of Metallica. I marvelled at the manufactured fall from grace of the musicians in Tinted Windows. I even broke out my Jamiroquai CDs which I'd sworn I'd mothball forever.

All this was good - but I did keep in touch with the trickle of releases coming in from Bollywood. These movies tried to squeeze in and take advantage of the strike. Brave, opportunistic producers. I salute them - too bad their product belly flopped. I haven't seen the movies but the music was unexceptional.

However, as per Drift policy, fun must be squeezed out of any opportunity that presents itself. So I decided to hand out the Drift Bollywood Music Famine Humanitarian Award. This goes to the composers of the CD released during the strike that annoyed me the least - heck, after a few spins I even enjoyed it.

The award goes to Sajid-Wajid's work for the movie Paying Guests. This movie is an Indian comedy - yes, that means there are chaatas and cross-dressing (or I could just tell you the flick stars that doyen of Indian comedy - Celina Jaitley).

Sajid Wajid are interesting composers and hence worth a brief discussion. They are very commercial, they are excellent with hooks and they recreate the big baaja 70s era of Laxmikant Pyarelal. In other words, they are today's nod to Bollywood's musical legacy. Often their tunes settle into incredibly catchy but somewhat familiar hooks. A huge fondness for shaadi-baarat instruments pervade their musical arrangements.

It is music that is larger than life - its no coincidence that Sajid-Wajid's career skyrocketed after finding favor with Salman Khan - who projects a king-size life himself.

Paying Guests kicks off with a ditty called Jack and Jill. There are helium vocals - perfect for establishing that the music is supposed to be funny. Its definitely worth a smile after four shots of tequila. This song has two things going for it - some nifty production by Eric Pillai (including cool Island-flavored breakdowns) and the oddity by which Earl D'souza's backing vocals seem to make Shaan sound fresher than he has in years.

Wajid does vocal duties on the title song - best described as a Sajid-Wajid special: catchy, loud, playful. Here let me mention that I completely enjoy Wajid's voice and would love to hear more of it - its like someone took Mika Singh's vocal posturing, Shaan's throw and peppered it with Udit Narayan's unhurried clarity.

Sonu Nigaam - who seems to be a bit of a Sajid-Wajid favorite - sings Ya Rabula Rabbi - powered by a creamy clap percussion and easily the coolest song on the CD. I know this sounds odd to say but Sonu has the ability to inject a few smiles in his voice without compromising its quality. It works really well here. Later, Amrita Kak shows up and sings a terrific verse in a sexy, low-slung voice and pronounces the word "mehjabeen" like someone was referring to a deadly virus. Speaking of lyrics - this song's title is super misleading because clearly Sonu is singing "Yaar abbu lala me" which sounds to me like an invitation to one's father, who also happens to be one's best friend, to sing a lullaby.

Sunidhi Chauhan sings Nazar Se Nazaria - her hundredth song about a flirtatious chick who would like everyone to know how hot she is. There is a bit of rap, an Arabic flavor, plenty of Sunidhi's legendary energy - its all good. In fact, if you are a Sunidhi fan, like me, and tend to follow her work closely - there is plenty to learn here. Particularly the fact that Sunidhi pronounces certain words with a Punju accent in order to make her voice sound more kadak.

Sajid-Wajid, thanks for making this musical akaal a tolerable one!

Meet Sonia Jaffer-Fraser, kick-ass choreographer and winner, Jhalak Dikhhla Jaa 3

Its hard for a non-dancer to win a dancing competition - especially one populated by good dancers. Its harder for a non-dancer to stay a non-dancer and do the same. Baichung Bhutia did it in this year's terrific season of Jhalak Dikhhla Jaa 3.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. No, I'm just kidding! But Baichung's magic came from his choreographer Sonia Jaffer-Fraser. Skillfully exploiting the soccer star's athleticism (note to future contestants: cartwheels impress judges), Sonia became a serious contender with one game changing dance - in which she portrayed an abused woman struggling to love again. She reduced JDJ's finest judge Vaibhavi Merchant to tears.

And as soon as she became a serious contender, against all odds Sonia took a lot of chances with her partner. How daring was she? She took one of the most beloved hits of our time - Kabhi Kabhi Aditi - and set it to a quirky, charming Karate Kid hip hop theme. Later within striking distance of the trophy, in the finale she had Baichung execute a complex, heart-stopping routine on two tables set apart.

By constantly reaching for the skies, Sonia ended up entertaining us and walking on the clouds. I invited her to share her thoughts with us on the Drift.

AspisDrift.com: Hey Sonia, congratulations on a hugely successful of JDJ. Quick, what is the first emotion that comes to mind when you look back on it? (a) Thrilled (b) Relieved (c) Redeemed (d) Thankful (c) Numb


Sonia: I look back and I feel THANKFUL!!

AspisDrift.com: Sonia, you took a lot of heart-stopping risks on JDJ and pulled all of them off. Are you a wild risk taker in real life too? You bungee jump every weekend? You dive into the water off of cliffs? You play high stakes poker every third Friday? You drive on the wrong side of the road for fun?


Sonia: I am a risk taker but not a wild one. I also take risks only in controlled environments so no, you will not find me driving on the wrong side of the road though I LOVE driving fast.

AspisDrift.com: Be honest now, were you disappointed when you found out your partner would be Baichung? Did you laugh? Did you cry? Did you say ‘Why me!?’


Sonia: When I saw him I was like WOW!! BHAICHUNG BHUTIA is MY partner. I remember the first thing I noticed about him was his hands...I knew immediately he had come down from heaven.

AspisDrift.com: Baichung seemed like a really game partner – he knew his limitations but he did all kinds of things for you. Was there anything he said ‘Absolutely Not!’ to?


Sonia: Hahaha...yeah! It was for the tapori dance round when I choreographed him on the song Guitar. I asked him to be a girl and he was like ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!

What an expression...I kept asking him just to tease him...hahaha...

AspisDrift.com: Anything about him that drove you crazy?


Sonia: BIG TIME...he used to yawn so much in the afternoons I used to go insane. but you can't blame him. From football practice to dance rehearsal...he used to be so tired.

AspisDrift.com: Ok, we’ll get to JDJ in a bit. But I’m dying to learn more about you. Where were you born? Where did you grow up? Do you have any siblings? What was little Sonia like?


Sonia: I was born here in Mumbai. My dad is Tanzanian and my mom is Indian. I grew up in Kuwait, Dar es Salaam, Panchgani. No siblings. But I do have a step sister and two step brothers. My dad re-married.

Little Sonia was a very bored child who used to just wait to break free. Recently it hit me that the only time I break free is when I dance.

AspisDrift.com: And how did you get involved with dance?


Sonia: I had done my basics in ballet from the Royal School of Dance, London. My cousin here in India had started to dance for Suneeta Rao back in 1992...I used to watch him and pray to God to give me a show. God answered and I never looked back.

AspisDrift.com: A friend of mine in Vadodara is dying to know: what does that tattoo on your forearm say?


Sonia: I have two tatoos. (The other one is one my left wrist.) The forearm one is a scripture from the Bible - "when I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, what is man that You are mindful of him.."

AspisDrift.com: On JDJ, you choreographed a landmark dance about an abused woman rediscovering love. You made my wife cry buckets. Would you like to tell us anything about how you survived such a debilitating crisis?


Sonia: There is only one way I survived it...that was by forgiving my abuser. Then I gave up all my hurt and pain to Jesus...and he gave me beauty for my ashes..

AspisDrift.com: Ok, back to the show: what gave you the most sleepless nights?


Sonia: What gave me the most sleepless nights was the fact that Jhalak was going to get over and I would have to pick up the pieces once again and walk... :)

AspisDrift.com: As a choreographer, I’m sure there are always questions about how the judges and their scores. How do you deal with that?


Sonia: From day one I told Baichung and we maintained that: whatever the scores or comments - good,  very good or bad would not affect us. I knew I could take him to the end so I wanted us to keep our focus there and nowhere else. That's why you must have seen that a high score, good remark, bad score or bad remark never made me jump or dance....

AspisDrift.com: How come Baichung and you were able to escape just about any controversy? Were you faster than all the cameras?


Sonia: There was nothing to ESCAPE! All we did was rehearse. We were not even friends. There was no time to act as friends. All our time went in teaching and him, learning. That is what is incomplete though - we never became friends.

AspisDrift.com: I’ve always wanted to know this: how does a dance come together? How do you design the theme? How do you design the moves? Who does the costumes? Who does the music mixes?


Sonia: The theme is given to us by the channel, then I see a song and a style of dance that fits. Once that is approved...I give my brief to the costume designer. I see the entire choreography in my head and then I used to break it down for Baichung.

AspisDrift.com: Do you get to take those costumes home?


Sonia: Haha...no! They belong to the channel now.

AspisDrift.com: Any status update on your Bollywood debut? What’s up with Fast Forward?


Sonia: Last I heard FF will release 10th July...but you never know

AspisDrift.com: Finally, I ask this question to everyone on the Drift: can you fold a fitted bed sheet properly? I’m convinced most regular humans can’t.


Sonia: YES I CAN...anyone who grew up in a boarding school can...

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The best of Sonia and Baichung on Jhalak 3
Bas Ek Pal
Kaise Mujhe (4:20)
Their journey
Their win

Lambi Umariya! The Age of Bollywood Stars

Because of the recent economic downturn, tech companies have been shuttering their windows faster than the new season of Dus Ka Dum seems to be heading for disaster. For a while the tech community was buzzing productively with all kinds of news.

Then the well dried up. Pretty soon all people could write about was Twitter and Facebook, an opportunity Ashton Kutcher maximized to play a silly and high profile stunt.

But soon enough the tech community ran out of things to say. Now what?

These days everyone wants to talk about the evolution of search. What's new in the world of search? Two things: Real time search, the type afforded by microblogging engines like Twitter. And Semantic Search, of which no clear leader seems to have emerged. Both areas are significant because they represent exploitable shortcomings in Google's technology today.

Say for example you want to search on that punk dude from American Idol. Google will give you tons of information. But let's say you are watching American Idol and just when someone was about to get eliminated, your TV went on the blink. You run to your computer and searched for the results. Chances are they won't be on Google. But you'll have a pretty good chance of finding it on Twitter (a pretty good Twitter search engine is Twazzup in case you'd like to try).

On to semantic search. The basic idea is this: instead of trying to figure out how good a site is simply by indexing its keywords, can a search engine create intelligent sets of data and relationships instead? This would lead to more intelligent searches. Say for example I type in "US GPD" in Google. Google will use some semantic digging to tell me it is 13.84 Trillion. But if I typed in a true blue semantic engine like the recently buzzed about WolframAlpha , things look a lot better.

How is this relevant to Bollywood? Well, let's take that age old debate for example - how old are our actors really? Using a semantic search engine, you can get the answer in one line by typing in '[star name] age'. Let's do this in WolframAlpha, shall we? Remember, because the engine is new and it takes time to index the Internet, you won't get information on every star. But you will on the popular ones.

Typing 'Akshay Kumar Age' in Wolfram will tell you his exact age (based on available online information of course). Type in 'Akshay Kumar' and you'll also learn that his real name is - bhais ki poonch! - Rajiv Hari-Om Bhatia.

Now all of this stuff is out on the Internet already. But like any good search engine, a semantic search engine will bring you what you need at your fingertips with spiffy guesswork.

Give a kid a BB gun and what happens? He sprays every wall in sight. Given this nutty controversy about "Bollywood Generations" that erupted recently at Cannes between Aishwarya and Sonam Kapoor, I thought it would be appropriate to compare everyone's ages. Yes, this is intrusive. But it's also interesting!

I restricted my list to famous actors in leading roles - I made an exception for my favorite Himesh Reshammiya and my favorite Star Kid lookalike Karishma Kapoor. I divided my lists by gender.

For kicks I calculated the average age for each gender list. The gap between leading men and women is about 8 years. It surprised me - I was expecting it to be much bigger!

But when you look closely you realize what's been happening. A few focussed actresses have been able to extend their career leases for a bit longer (Madhuri, Tabu, Aish, Kajol) raising the average age of women, while a number of younger actors have been breaking into the upper ranks of Bollywood - thanks to the highly upjau Star Kids system - bringing the average age of the male pool down.

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The Men
Average Age: 38

	Amitabh Bachchan October 11, 1942 66
	Govinda December 21, 1958 50
	Sanjay Dutt July 2, 1959 49
	Aamir Khan March 14, 1965 44
	Shahrukh Khan November 2, 1965 43
	Salman Khan December 27, 1965 43
	Ajay Devgun April 2, 1967 42
	Akshay Kumar September 9, 1967 41
	Bobby Deol January 27, 1970 39
	Saif Ali Khan August 16, 1970 38
	John Abraham December 17, 1972 36
	Arjun Rampal November 26, 1972 36
	Himesh Reshammiya July 23, 1973 36
	Hrithik Roshan January 27, 1974 35
	Farhan Akhtar January 9, 1974 35
	Fardeen Khan March 8, 1974 35
	Akshaye Khanna March 28, 1975 34
	Abhishek Bachchan February 5, 1976 33
	Vivek Oberoi September 3, 1976 32
	Emraan Hashmi March 24, 1979 30
	Shahid Kapoor February 25, 1981 28
	Neil Nitin Mukesh January 15, 1982 27
	Imraan Khan January 13, 1983 26
	Ranbir Kapoor September 28, 1982 26

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The Women
Average Age: 30

	Madhuri Dixit May 15, 1967 42
	Tabu November 4, 1970 38
	Aishwarya Rai November 1, 1973 35
	Karishma Kapoor June 25, 1974 34
	Preity Zinta January 31, 1975 34
	Kajol August 5, 1974 34
	Shilpa Shetty June 8, 1975 33
	Kareena Kapoor September 21, 1977 31
	Rani Mukherjee March 21, 1978 31
	Vidya Balan January 1, 1978 31
	Lara Dutta April 16, 1978 31
	Bipasha Basu January 7, 1979 30
	Soha Ali Khan October 4, 1978 30
	Konkana Sen Sharma December 3, 1979 29
	Esha Deol November 2, 1982 27
	Mallika Sherwat October 24, 1981 27
	Amrita Rao June 17, 1981 27
	Priyanka Chopra July 18, 1982 26
	Katrina Kaif July 16, 1984 24
	Asin October 26, 1985 24
	Sonam Kapoor June 9, 1985 24
	Deepika Padukone January 5, 1986 23
	Kangana Ranaut March 23, 1987 22
	Genelia D'Souza August 5, 1987 21

Also:

• Anon says Mallika's 37 according to her family, Kareena's got to be 27, 28 and how come Genelia is only 21 - she's been working for years
• Kangana, 22? Hmmm says meena
• A correction from magdalena about Hrithik's age
• It strikes Kokanad has funny that the Khans are all the same age
• Does Bollywood add age to the women's faces or are they really that young wonders Deepa
• Why do men enter movies so late asks Mind Rush
• Lin digs into Kareena's real age
• Kareena and Rani are the same age? Amrita is confounded
• Even Mallika has given up pretending to be in the twenties by Hridya