Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Wrapped up in TP

Dear Love Chakker Readers,

I am touched by your numerous letters of encouragement. But I don't have time to dwell on adulation as I have to get down to work. Two desperate letters came my way, and after some deep meditation, I came upon the responses.

Letter #1---Dear Mind Rush:

Lions Gate doesn't let me have any creative freedom. I used to enjoy making gorno (aka torture porn) but ever since I met a lovely young woman, everytime i sit down writing ideas for most innovative ideas of maiming and torturing a half naked woman, i end up writing sweet love songs to the girl of my dreams.

She is a lot younger than I am (but legal) and she loves me for who I am, sick and twisted and with bushy eyebrows.

But how can i go back to envisioning torture chambers and not gardens of love.
After all i need to stick to my genre to earn bread for my new woman. I don't want struggles.

Eli Roth

Dear E.R.,

First off---this is a "family" blog. So hereafter, I shall discreetly refer to your professional interests, a.k.a. tourture porn as TP.

So, you are in love! You came to the right place to seek advice. Okay, ER, you are in a rapturous relationship! Celebrate it! Sing from a bridge! Dance in a towel! Love is pure poetry...you have discovered your yang with your "Saawariya".

If this young woman is legal, marry her! Once the honeymoon is over, life might well become a torture chamber. You will be recover from your sweet love songs and then can go back again to being entangled in TP.

-Mind Rush

Letter #2---Dear Mind Rush:

I am a celebrated but beleaguered Bollywood director. The critics have lashed out at not only my pure, subtle, beautiful story but have also launched broadsides at my personality dubbing it as controlling, egotistical, self-indulgent and so on. What is even worse is that my magnum opus has been dubbed a flop. I've gone on the offensive too ---- to tell my side of the story but it hasn't stemmed the tide of the critics.

What should I do now? Ignore the ignorant, biased, critics who clearly have an agenda against me or continue to fight with all I've got. Can I help it if I'm a misunderstood genius and the naysayers are clearly too stupid to understand the subtlety of my craft?

S(eriously) L(ost) (in) B(ollywood)


Dear Mr. SLoB,

Your inner purity and beauty are misunderstood! You are a visionary. As they say: "Genius is in the eyes of the beholder." And how could your vision be in need of a prescription?

I applaud your strategy. The best defense is attacking others. How dare anyone question your genius? I mean, the world is a harsh place for narcissists. (Mr. Him-mess Besharmiya should learn a thing or two from you.)

But Mr. SLoB, if ever cruel self-doubt leads you to genuine self-examination and cures your short-sightedness, you could shift your focus away from yourself and towards others for once. Heck, there might even be a choreographer who is pining for you. Now that would be a pure, subtle, beautiful love story!

-Mind Rush

Also:

37 comments:

Aspi said...

I think SLB will be fine after this disaster, but the question is: between Ranbir and Sonam, who's career will survive?

girlie girl said...

Great Advice Mind Rush! I agree with you Aspi. As far as Ranbir's and Sonam's career goes, I think it all depends on what they end up doing next! If they get a decent movie out soon, then they'll be ok, but if they wait too long to get going again, then it will be hard to bounce back! Although, I haven't seen the movie so I dont konw which one is a better actor.

girlie girl said...

Great Advice Mind Rush! I agree with you Aspi. As far as Ranbir's and Sonam's career goes, I think it all depends on what they end up doing next! If they get a decent movie out soon, then they'll be ok, but if they wait too long to get going again, then it will be hard to bounce back! Although, I haven't seen the movie so I dont konw which one is a better actor.

Sania said...

Poor slob, he's got an amazing, sassy, beautiful choreographer all deewana for him, and nothing. Bekaar.

Joules said...

He is too much of a mama's boy to notice the choreographer.

If Abhishek B. or Kareena can bounce back after so many flops I think Ranbir and Sonam will be fine. They have lot of marketing machine behind them.

Aspi said...

And BTW, here are the girls Eli Roth has dated before.

Hmmm...this list includes Rosario Dawson who I think always looks fun-tastic.

headmistress said...

my money's on Ranbir - Sonam is seriously scary. What is with the crazy giggles??
Ranbir can at least sort of feign acting, and he does have some new projects in the pipeline which look vaguely interesting.
but yes, both have immense fambly power behind them, so maybe it doesn't matter.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mind Rush, how about some advice to Shahid Kapur. God knows the guy really needs some. Being dumped by finding out your girl friend is dating Saif Ali Khan and then you have to be in the girl friend's company to promote a movie - oooooh gotta be tough.

P said...

and Now Salman is also dumped again by K Kaif , he too needs a serious help !

S(eriously) L(ost) (in) B(ollywood) said...

Dear Mind Rush

Your expert analysis makes sense. I thought I'd give it a shot and practice inviting my very own diva to "aaja nachle" . But when I tried that, the only diva or the male equivalent (divo?) looking back at me in the mirror and imploring me to "show my jalwa" was yours truly! I'll have to silence these petty minded critics by dazzling them with my next movie b4 i can take yr advice. But thanks much anyway!

Sidekick said...

Mind Rush, The Love Chakker has already become a firm fave. Hope you'll keep it coming.

anon, p - shahid and salman are g8 choices ; they can defi use the MR's advice :).

A(nxious and) B(oxed in) said...

Dear Mind Rush,

I'm married to the most famous actress in Bollywood and I'm the son of the most famous actor in Bollywood history.

I'm also an actor who's built a successful career on the backs of three hits. Unfortunately all of them starred either Papa or my wife.

Papa also once starred in a movie with Mummy about a man who can't deal with his wife's fame. Yikes! Talk about potential for being messed up!

I deal with this as rationally as I can. But this irrational filmi duniya gets on my nerves.

Any advice?

S(hamed and) K(onfused) said...

Dear Mind Rush,

I am a terrifically personable actor with a short body and a big head. I used to date a hugely famous actress who was skittish but very loving.

Unfortunately Mummy didn't like her and my woman threw a fit and up and went - straight into the arms of a known casanova who has lately been hitting on anything in a skirt that moves.

This breaks me up inside. Especially now that our last movie about how we met has been acclaimed by everyone as a super love story.

How do I get over her when her face is splashed on hoardings around town and all my best songs remind me of her?

S(vengali) K(icked out) said...

I have the original hot bod which I’ve made a career of showing off in my many films. While my 6 pack abs have enduring appeal, I haven’t been quite as lucky with my lady loves – they seem to flee my arms with alarming regularity!

I’ve only recently got over the humiliating defection of the most beautiful face in the world with the help of a promising PYT whose career I helped nurture.

Now that my K(aptivating) K(atch) has tasted success, she too is throwing me over like an old shoe on the flimsy pretext that I’m too controlling, possessive and interfering.

Please help ---- I’m running out of chances to snare THE ONE!.

S[eriously] R[estless] said...

Dear Mindrush,
I am a musician and unfortunately i am better looking than most people in my profession.
The problem I am facing is that I have too many females gaga over me.Not that I dont like it, but now today being my birthday, I cant even breathe peacefully.I am online the whole day doing absolutely nothing except checking my orkut scrap book which is being bombarded by crazy fans.
Please help!

S[eriously] R[estless]

girlie girl said...

Wow...looks like Mind Rush has a lot of advice to give out! LMAO!! These are too funny! Keep 'em coming! BTW, Happy B-day SR!

ritha said...

LOL...terrific job Mindrush...and your plate looks full now....

Aspi said...

Who knew there were so many messed up people in Bollywood. Wait, actually I did know.

Whoever wrote the last two - great job!

sr said...

And two fans lets call them M and SKD keep fighting over me.

SkD said...

Happy Bday SR honey...yea..we do fite over u n im sure ur likin it:P

Aspi said...

"SR honey"?! Whatever happened to "Ma Shekoo"?

SkD said...

^^Moved on towards a more mature pursuit of the subject in question......

Aspi said...

Well done! Considering SR is a gujju you could also try "sambhdo chho".

This would remind SR of his Mom (always a plus with Indian men) and differentiate you considerably from the rest.

girlie girl said...

Or try another Gujju favorite, "Bipasha na daddy!"...LOL!!!

Aspi said...

Well said, girlie girl. I feel like eating handwo right this very moment.

Mind Rush said...

Dear messed up beautiful people, please take a number. My calendar is very full but I am going to get to all of your problems.

But dear musician SR---I can't help you! You see, I too am your fan!

SkD said...

Dhanyavaad Aspibhai, will take heed.

girlie girl said...

Aspi, Dont forget the chutney, and some dhokla!!

SkD said...

hehehe...Aspi, it actually worked....i got a reponse in half an hour....thanks dude!!!

Aspi said...

Score SkD! Forget myspace and orkut, if you want to patao someone, come to Aspi's Drift.

girlie girl: strangely enough I don't like dhokla at all - which leads lot of people to suspect if I really grew up in Gujarat. Really the only gujju cuisine I'm addicted to is handwo, theplas and paper-thin rotis.

girlie girl said...

yeah, you're right...I'm starting to questions your 'Gujarati' heritage! Dont forget, if you're gujju, you can basically like any food that has vaghaar in it! :D That smell just reminds you of home! lol

Aspi said...

girlie girl, you have a deep-rooted understanding of Gujju cuisine. This is making me hungry.

SkD said...

hehehe...true...the vagaar..how can i forget!!!btw, aspi..i have theplas and khadvi every second day..:D..wud have loved 2 share it wid u....

SkD said...

hehehe...true...the vagaar..how can i forget!!!btw, aspi..i have theplas and khadvi every second day..:D..wud have loved 2 share it wid u....

SkD said...

hehehe...true...the vagaar..how can i forget!!!btw, aspi..i have theplas and khadvi every second day..:D..wud have loved 2 share it wid u....

Aspi said...

We need a Facebook application that can send thelplas and khandvis to friends. Then we'd be set. Come to think of it - its an idea I want to work on if I ever teach myself some PHP.

ExSkD said...

LOL!!!!OMG!!The ancient archive!!That was soooooo long ago.....how u guys been Aspi:)