Monday, March 03, 2008

Autoricksha Confessions 2: Boxing Day

Another one in my occasional series on humiliating myself online. This time to prove that I'm a true creative desi, I will copy a scene transition from a recent acclaimed Hollywood movie.

Las Vegas

I'm attending a conference and like most work days in this city, I have spent half a day in meetings and the other half in the well-known hotel pool (with the awesome swim-up bar). Tired I order in and finish my meal. The phone rings. It is a friend.

"I'll call you back" I tell him "I need to put my plate outside the door. Give me 15 minutes".

"15 minutes!" he says "How long does it take you to shunt your tray outside the door?"

"Well, I'll have to get dressed again" I say.

"Dressed again?" he retorts "To put your food outside!? Is this a crazy bawa thing?"

San Francisco, 3 months earlier

I am attending a conference at the Moscone Center and like most working days in this city I run my legs off for ten hours straight and then go out with someone for a drink. Tired, I come back to the hotel, order in and finish my meal.

Now usually when I'm in the hotel room all tired by myself I sit around in my boxers. There is a good reason for this - most of my formal or biz casual wear isn't exactly good for lounging around a hotel room. And I like to pack light.

Well, right after I finish, I walk out to place the tray well clear of the door. And I get a bit distracted by this wonderful flower display in a huge vase outside the room. Before you know I hear a click behind me - I've been locked out! I quickly check my boxers. Yep, whatdyanow, it had to be the cutesy pink metrosexual one.

Now picture this: I'm in pink underwear, holding a tray with empty plates in the lobby of a rather fine hotel. Did the words "Stark Raving Parsi Lunatic" just run through your mind?

Luckily no one is in sight, but clearly I need to get back in the room and only someone at the front desk can rescue me. After the initial swell of panic subsides, I spy a hotel phone about 10 doors down. So I set the tray down, grab that vase and holding it in front of me, weave my way towards the phone. Hopefully, I pray, startled guests might mistake me for a drunk janitor rearranging furniture and at the most reprimand me with a "Madre del dios!"

I call the front desk using the hotel phone and tell the lady at the front desk about my predicament. After she offers to come up and open the room for me I warn her again "I'm really sorry about this, but I'm in my underwear. Please be mindful of that when you send someone up". And what happens? A gorgeous Latina woman shows up, wisely accompanied by a male escort. Such is male conditioning that your embarrassment grows ten-fold in front of an attractive woman.

Gorgeous Latina doesn't flinch even once although I notice her eyes quickly flick down to my pink underwear and back up again. Situation assessed, she opens my room, peers round the door to make sure everything is in order inside and then walks in. Great, I think, nightmare is over! But Gorgeous Latina then stands right next to my bed, flanked by her provisional bodyguard and says "Sir, I'll need some ID"

Now two options present themselves. I can either (a) pretend like all is cool, grab my wallet from my pants and show her the ID. The disadvantage here would be prolonged exposure. Or I can (b) grab my pants, put them on and then show her the ID. The disadvantage here would be additional indignity.

I opt for (a), try to look all casual and even put a hand on my hip. A faint smile crosses Gorgeous Latina's lips for the first time. The bodyguard nods. They both leave, probably to hours of continuous laughter in some Market Street bar later that night. I place the vase back on its pedestal outside.

Since then I don't take chances with disposing my food tray by doing it in a semi-naked state. You see, I don't make the same mistake twice (although I do make a new one every waking hour).

20 comments:

Drift (so-called) Memsaab said...

Let me see---
You were wearing pink underwear, holding a bunch of flowers, running amok in the hotel corridor in San Fran???

No more questions, Me'Lord.

ritha said...

Hahahaha! Aspi...kya scene hai!

Sexy Latina said...

don't lie Aspi

you weren't embarassed because you were wearing a pink boxers with hearts all over it, why don't you tell everyone about the pink fluffy nipple warmers?

Aspi said...

Summers in San Francisco can get pretty cold.

Amrita said...

Did the words "Stark Raving Parsi Lunatic" just run through your mind?

No, but something akin to Drift Memsaab's thoughts did run through my mind. 'Nuff said.

anu g said...

Haha!This can be rated as one of ur funniest posts....ur description makes it more hilarious than the incident itself:).

girlie girl said...

hahahah! I love stories like that. I've encountered someone like that, coincidently, in Vegas...drunk, locked out of his room with nothing but a towel and sox on!! unfortunately, didnt have a towel-in-a-public-place worthy body so it was a gross image!!

Tania said...

OMG, haha, thats one funny story I have heard in a long time.I would say the autorikshaw confessions are topping the charts on Drift.

leera said...

I concur, awesome and courageus Aspi!

Btw pink boxers are awesome, I bought my husband of 4 yrs some pink tinkerbell underwear, which he is currently wearing. Needless to say he lost a bet big time. On the flip side he has confessed to their warm fuzziness.

SkD said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!
Excellent post !!!!How fuckin embarrasing !!!!Im sure my worst is nowhere near this one!!!
hahahaha.

Aspi said...

pink tinkerbell. I'd wear those for sure.

sdk, glad to hear you've lived a more dignified life.

m said...

i got some rly embarassing tales but i can't say anything on a public blog..

Aspi said...

m, not even a scrubbed version? It must have been *really* embarassing! However, consider this: if you do this - there is no way you'll ever be scared of looking like a chump again.

Thats what this does for me.

sidekick said...

Wow, Aspi! That seems like an incredibly peter sellers like episode :). People report dreams/nightmares of how they are spotted starkers, but to have that come true --- well not starkers, but pretty darn close!

At any rate you've raised the bar on the confessions --- both the embarrassment and humor quotients. Can't wait for #3 :D.

Cinderella said...

Aspi,
funny and very embarassing,indeed!
but it takes a lot of courage to talk about embarassing stuff like this.
Applause!

btw,wanted to ask.On the main page.....
if the 'Movies' column has SRK's pic, 'Music' column has Himesh's and the 'Cricket' column has the pic of some cricketer i dont know then how come the 'Books' column ahs Aishwarya's pic on it:-?
don't get me wrong.i was just wondering!

Aspi said...

cinderella, aish is holding a book for the Books section. Just like Priyanka is holding a phone for the Mobile artwork. The cricketer is Tendulkar. And you should be able to guess why Dev Anand adorns the archives section.

sidekick, #3 will be decidedly more tame.

anu g said...

Aspi, interesting pics!Cinderella, isnt that how ads work. Often u find pretty girls prancing around in an advert while the product has nothing to do with them.Atleast u find the relevant item here,albeit tiny when compared to the pretty girl:).

Cinderella said...

Aspi,
oh yes,i do see the book.but it's too small.hardly visible!!!
and i actually had liked the Dev Anand pic for the archives section:)

Anu g,
yes and that reminds me of Hrithik's Acer ad.i was so busy with the tune,hrithik and the dance that i hardly noticed what the ad was for:P

m said...

that aish pic is from the poster that they used to promote reading.. in UK or somewhere..

so its not entirely random

Kanan said...

I've been locked out! I quickly check my boxers. Yep, whatdyanow, it had to be the cutesy pink metrosexual one.

Oh oh! LOL

So I set the tray down, grab that vase and holding it in front of me, weave my way towards the phone.

hehahahaha.. that sounds like a movie scene, Aspi. :D

I opt for (a), try to look all casual and even put a hand on my hip. A faint smile crosses Gorgeous Latina's lips for the first time.

ROFL...

They both leave, probably to hours of continuous laughter in some Market Street bar later that night.

L M A O!

Aspi, I got to admit - you inspire me to pack light, of course, not that much but just a bit. ;) :P

The funniest autoricksha confession I read. What an adventure!