Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Shaili Police: Can Vidya Balan be saved?

Poor Vidya Balan. When you first come to Bollywood and make a splash, there is no feeling quite like it in the world. Directors love you. Important costars praise you. Producers chase you. Sawan Kumar Tak inquires if you are single. Your fans adore you. And you love all of them right back.

But seasons change. Despite a steady stream of hits (Lage Raho Munnabhai, Heyy Babyy), Vidya Balan is now the Behenji of Bollywood, the Go To Actress for discussion after three tequila shots at any Bollywood bitch camp.

All it takes is a few bad dresses. Before you know it, you are getting into scraps with Manish Malhotra and (funnily enough) comparing your own dress sense to a bad hair day.

This Bollywood nainsaafi made me sad. After all, what is Vidya Balan's fault in all of this except a confounding sense of fashion? Is that reason enough to lynch someone? Especially when people like Mimoh stalk the earth unabated? Not around here. So I decided to give some Phaltu Drift style advice to Vidya.

Since I do everything systematically and logically, I started with a breakdown analysis of Vidya's strength and weaknesses. I've listed my analysis in the first picture.

Clearly Vidya is short, has a bigger than normal head, shorter than normal arms and a curiously bumpy bust. This gives her a perpetually scrunched look - like as if she were in Chicago in the dead of winter.

Now we can get down to how to fix it. Luckily for Vidya, I'm not a stylista like our Joules. So my advice is really easy to implement and is this: show your neck, baby!


So here are the rules:
  • No hair bangs that hide the neck
  • Wear a V-neck if possible to convey illusion of elongated neck
  • No short, collar-bone hugging necklaces. Absolutely no chokers unless you plan to wring Manish Malhotra with it
  • No high belts or cinches and lines right below the bust. Absolutely no baby doll dresses unless you are worried about looking too old for Shahid
Once Vidya learns to dress like a vampire magnet, her scrunched "I would kill for a sweater about now" look will be gone and she'll look adirindi!

Also:

46 comments:

Pitu said...

Hahahaaaaaa! Awesome!

Tina said...

Vidya Balan once was an overweight teen. She acted in a serial called hum paanch or something like that - she played one of five daughters - she was the plump one, there was also a dumb pretty one, a tomboy and so on. She lost 20 kgs since then before hitting cinema big time.

maxdavinci said...

extensive research here! Loved the way u ended it with 'adirindi'. I see those telugu movies are having an effect on you.

For an actress Ms.balan apprers to be cylyindrical, much like Juhi Chawla and rani mukherjee. So her only way out is to shed a few kilos or resort to wearing 'chalte chalte' type ke skirts.

If anyone saw the paanchi paas episode featuring Karan johar n rani, then i hope they noticed rani's outfit. It was a disaster wearing a figure huggin jeans and she has a gigantic ass! see for yourself...

Aspi said...

Speaking of Telugu movies and round actresses (who I dig more than unround actresses), I saw Aamir's nephew prancing around with Genalia D'Souza in his new movie. Its on YouTube.

I'm working on a music review for that.

meena said...

I just fell off my chair laughing...vampire magnet.. ha ha..
and neat slide into adirindi!

while you are at it, some more phaltu drift advice to vb, dont chew gum when you are talking on tv (check out filmfare awards). Makes you look like the stereotype big haired secretary inspite of your angelic smile.
As for the rest of the shaili police advice, awesome aspi and I may take some of that advice myself:)

Kanan said...

Aspi, what's adirindi?

The captions and little cars ramming into the tree pictures are very funny! Btw, excellent suggestions.

Speaking of Vidya, what is she wearing here in Kismat Konnection? Those high heels are ruining the look along with the tiny tight capris. Shahid looks *ew* in that silver/blue spacesuit.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Ekta Kapoor made this movie. grrr...

Aspi said...

Kanan, adirindi as described previously by meena means "hila diya" in telugu.

Goodness, that Vidya in the link you forwarded. She looks ready for kabaddi.

Never Mind!! said...

Adirindi Aspi!! Great one. And I sympathize with Ms.Balan. Such a pretty face in such hideous outfits. But I love the way she got back at SRK at the filmfares when she was made fun of with a Na-real award.

Apart from your advice can I also add that Ms Balan should stick to ethnic outfits? Her face and body are more suited for sarees, salwars and long flowing kinds which basically hide your waist. And there is nothing wrong in sticking to indian outfits till you figure out what kind of cuts suit you. Oh and can someone please tell her that the glaring red bag she happily carries around is actually a fake Birkin?
http://ww.smashits.com/events/3483/2/
Vidya-Balan-At-Tree-Plantation-Drive.html

Being vertically challenged, I am going to use some of your advice myself like Meena.

j said...

Hey, I think Vidya is upto reading some blogs because she is improving.

Saw her recent pic in high heel confidential http://www.highheelconfidential.com/vidya-purple-dress-kismet-konnection-music-launch/ and most of the comments have been encouraging.

The good thing about vb is that unlike little B., most people are on her side and are very supportive when she shows some improvement.

One advice for Vidya (and Rani and shorter statured people - I am one of those so I know) is keep it simple. Not too much print, not too much material and not too much bling-bling.

Pitu said...

What does shaili mean btw?

girlie girl said...

Magnificent job aspi! Great (and may I say, much needed) advice for VB! She should also never EVER wear those anarkali-type dresses...they're not very flattering for short people. I think her best friend should be well fitted skirts or Tunic. The right one can do miracles! And there is always the traditional Sarees and Salwaar Kameez...

Aspi said...

shaili manje style. I'm using it loosely here.

BTW, is your gmail id hilarious or what?!

Pitu said...

Hey! No laughing at HRH Pitu Sultan, Sultan of all She Surveys. My family spawned 2 ebil tyrants, Pitu and Tipu Sultan. Tipu also answers to the *smirk* commoner-like name Trupti. Tipu Sultan currently lords over Mumbai Sultanate while I have conquered Chicago. I used to even have a blog called The Fabulous Kingdom of Pitu Sultan- full of imperial ranting and raving.....

Sidekick said...

aspi, adirindi post even though the neck challenged vidya is not there yet ;)

i'm feeling her pain coz all she seems to have done so far is be a fashion doofus and for that it seems like rotten tamatars are being thrown at her.

also i've never understood descriptors such as fat, old or even short hurled like poison darts. i may be in the minority, but i don't want to see every woman come out of some sort of under 100 lbs cookie cutter.

hollywood seems to give the jennifer hudsons, the queen latifahs, and the america ferreras their fashion plaudits, i'd like to see our kajols, ranis, vidyas and konkonas get theirs too without having to lose 20 pounds! hopefully with some smarts, some experimentation and a few "bad hair days", vidya will get there.

meena said...

never mind & j, ..feeling the sisterhood of petites here:-)

pitu said...

I'm not petite. It's other people who are tall :-p

Anonymous said...

http://www.vidya-balan.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=228&pos=16

m said...

i don't get it why vidya gets dissed left right and center by the media. Surely she ain't beautiful and doesn't have a good body and acts like a paindu auntyji who recently moved to the city.

But its not like rest of the Bollywood actresses are flawless. The media aren't just critiquing her, they are downright bashing and insulting and name calling her. I think its in poor taste.

Just because she is no Kapoor and isn't sleeping with a top producer/director. WTF

Mind Rush said...

I agree with all and sundry. VB tries too hard, wears too much color, pattern, contrast and fabric. She needs to tone it down and she will be fine.

So Mr. Drift, will you be giving advice to the other fashion faux pas poster child Kajol as well? Come to think of it, you can do a whole regular column.

Aspi said...

Kajol already got fashion advice from Joules. But since Vidya missed out on Joules' style wisdom, I thought I'd help the poor girl out myself.

But I do have advice for Kajol.

Kajol, read.

Aspi said...

tina, sorry but I think you might have been here before.

If not, my mistake and welcome!

And since there was some talk of petites, can I just say that as a male its completely hilarious to me that there is a size 0. Its such an artificial setup - kind of like those real estate agent-named streets like Silk Oaks or Fountain View.

Aspi said...

m, I am agree with your fabulous point. Vidya might be one high profile affair away from being on the inside track.

Sidekick, I understand your point. And its a timely one because I need to make sure its behavior and not anatomy I make fun of.

Amrita said...

Sidekick, M - I was watching that title song of Kismat Konnection (btw, is he singing "pappi" or "Puppy"? Coz, weird. Also, I think I've heard that song before.) and I was thinking the same thing as you guys - everyone keeps on about how she needs to lose weight and blah blah and that's not really the issue.

The thing is her make up and her fashion sense are both zero, and unlike other women who're similarly challenged, she can actually hire people to fix those things.

And personally, I thought she looked GORGEOUS in Parineeta. Unfortunately, that was the last time I had something kind to say about her appearance. Unfortunately for her, she seems to really want to be part of the cookie cutter brigade - and I dont really blame her: it must be sickening to have people heap on you all the time.

Pitu said...

Amrita, agree with most of what you said except the last bit. The problem with VB is that she is so defensive! It's like she can't take criticism and accept ki haan I don't have a lot of style but I'll get a makeover and voila, yall will think I rock.

Instead, she makes stupid comments where she likens her perpetually awful style with 'a bad hair day' which refers to a way smaller time period lol. Also, the smack talk reg. Manish Malhotra was stupid. Congrats, now one of the main talents In Bwood who made over the hideous Lolo and overdone Urmila is no longer going to be of any help.I also find it interesting that Abu Jani and Sandeep Khosla who usually do such a fab job designing for Ash and Shweta Bachchan (one glaring mistake being Jaya's Leprechaun atrocity at Cannes) were the ones who made her Fanta colored mujrewali dress. I can't imagine that suddenly the duo became color blind so I wonder if she 'suggested' some embellishments.

VB = Another example of 'Miya gira fir bhi tangdi upar'.

Amrita said...

'Miya gira fir bhi tangdi upar' ---hahahaha!!! Do you think she has a mother at home telling her to wear bright colors so she will look brighter?

Kanan said...

Aspi, thanks for the explanation. This post is hilarious along with the comments... :D

Pitu said...

Kuchh bhi possible hai yaar Amrita. You know that ditty about 'When she was good she was v v good, when she was bad, she was horrid" ? Woich problem hai idhar. But, fingers crossed, this girl is ravishingly beautiful and with loads of help, she can look spectacular.

Tina said...

Aspi, thanks for the welcome.

Tina said...

Catch video of an episode of Hum Paanch here :

http://www.rajshri.com/zee/HumPaanch/nowplaying.asp?band=low&fileID=humpaanchComedy89

m said...

anyhoo carrying on from my previous post.. yeah its fun to read about an actress' lack of "fashion sense" and protruding belly but why does Indian media have such double standards

there are other actresses who dress just as bad and have hips almost as wide as my widescreen TV, why not pick on them for a change

also how about those media made non actresses like Katrina who couldn't act even if her life depended on it, how about not putting her on a pedestal and talk about it for a change as well..

If i could i would hang 95% of bollywood "journalists" and so called "critics" upside down and throw icy cold water at them

m said...

and 95% of bollywood fans on the internet and 65% of bollywood fans in general deserve the same treatment

Anonymous said...

awesome post, aspi, had me laughing totally

how bout reviewing ek se badhkar ek? can't stand that show man it's so annoying.. especially RAVI KISHAN and his 'babu'... do review! would make for a hilarious post!

- another random stranger

Never Mind!! said...

m: its true that Vidya gets more than her share of media bashing. But that is only because no media has the balls to call a size 0 Kareena with her raccoon eyes and strangely orange tan a fashion faux pas. Also I think most celebs get away with their faux pas by carrying a Birkin or LV around. Serious does anybody remember the monstrosity of outfits Shilpa wore before she was picked by Big brother and LV?

Aspi I am with you on size 0. And what irritates me even more is that it has caught on in India as well where you dint have to refer to size charts to decipher the hidden meaning of a size. A size 28 jeans simply meant 28 inches of waist.

pitu said...

The most annoying thing about size charts is that they vary according to label. So even if I am size 2 at most stores, I'll be size 0 at Ann Taylor and size 4 at Wet Seal because they cater to different age groups. And then there are stores with thier odd numbers like size 3 :-p Extremely irritating.

girlie girl said...

I agree with you all that VB does get the raw end of the deal but the difference between her and those other b-wood actresses that are in the same 'bad-dresser' category is while they just ignore the criticism and learn to improve on it, she makes her opinion more vocal and that attracts more attention to her and she tries to blame someone or justify herself for wearing terrible clothes. She should just learn to shut her mouth, take the critism and learn to improve from it. Because let's face it, she's in the public eye and there will ALWAYS be people out there criticising what she does.

Aspi said...

All right Tina. Great link! It took me a while to figure out that the chick in green was Vidya Balan. Or was she?

Teddy said...

Hey people

Did anyone get to the Kailash Kher show? I'm wondering how it was, since I will be going to see it on sunday June 22.

BTW Aspi, another hilarious post. Shaili Police? Saras!! I almost choked on my daar ni pori.

anu g said...

Aspi, Poor Vidya! U seem to have simply dissected her looks here.
I just think she is from a simple family which didnt bother too much about looks. And when she realised she needed to, she thought the best dress-designers would help her (not realising that they generally cater to size zero(god, how I hate that term, esp since I am far far away from it...btw, r there no tall drifters here....there seem to be so many petite damsels...sigh, i thought i had got over that regret i had when i was young...seems to have resurfaced again:)).
Getting back to Vidya, I guess she feels so miserable, that she comes up with comments to possible make herself feel better(?). I can understand how she feels. I once was on a tv show, and the makeup guy insisted on simply 'potho'ing layers of colour to make me look fair! I protested, but there was no time to do anything. The end-effect, when I came on tv,I looked like a ghost, and I was so embarrassed I was hiding under my bed for the next few days.Sigh, I can understand what Vidya goes thru. I sure am glad I am no celebrity:).

jitendra said...

Hi Aspi:

an unrelated sidenote: this new album from Rehman is another soothing offering (esp the 2 songs hawa sun hawa and meherbaan).. http://www.musicindiaonline.com/music/hindi_bollywood/s/movie_name.9748/

Amrita said...

Anu G - I'm sure Vidya is a seedhi saadhi family girl but she's been acting for years and was quite a successful ad model before she got her movie break. In fact, she got her movie break because of her ad work.

I'll say one thing though about her debut - the way everyone connected to Parineeta talked about her prior to the movie's release, I'm not surprised she has a chip on her shoulder. maybe their strategy was to lower expectations but the way they went about it was to make her sound completely hideous and talentless. This, when, as M says, airheads like Katrina (whom I find very watchable btw - I was shocked to find myself enjoying Namastey London leaving aside that cringe worthy Purab Aur Paschim dialogue) get billed as the next Sridevi or something.

Aspi said...

Teddy, you are making me hungry. Last time I went to India I couldn't hit a single Parsi function so I've been deprived for a while now.

anu g, you are the first TV celebrity to stop by the blog! Woohoo! Koi YouTube link ko dhoondo!

jitendra, thanks for the link. Was listening to this yesterday. Didn't know it was Rehman but it sounded out of the ordinary enough that I went back and checked the CD cover.

Teddy said...

Aspi, I'm counting the days until october, when spouse and self will hit the streets of Mumbai for a bit. I've made my culinary list already, and I keep adding to it as I remember. Chicken patties and pudding at Kayani, endless cups of tea and bun maska at no matter which Irani place, Berry pulao and lagan nu custard at Britannia near Ballard Pier, daar ni pori and Khajur ni pori at Tardeo, Prawn patia and Daal pulao at my friend's place. Mava cakes at B. Merwan...maybe I can convince a friend to get married during my visit, so I can have a full Lagan nu bhonu....and that's just my Parsi/Irani food wish list. Sigh...

Aspi said...

Teddy, I bow to your knowledge of culinary expeditions. I wish I had grown up in Mumbai.

I'm glad you kept akuri off your list. That is gagworthy. If eggs are to be eaten correctly, they must be over easy with brun pao.

anu g said...

Aspi,wow, u really have some influence in the Indian News Industry. Looks like someone in one of the channels, read ur post, and decided to make a news item out of it There was a complete segment on VB's fashion faux-pas!I caught just the end.
Btw, I am no great fan of VB.I am just supporting the underdog like M does.

*~mad munky~* said...

bumpy bust = badly fitted bra.

or dodgy surgery.

Dr Munky.

Anonymous said...

OK seriously now Vidya is trying too hard and unfortunately it's just not working.
In the past few weeks she's obsessed with black shirt dresses and folded jeans. They just don't go together someone tell Ms Balan. She's not tall enough or skinny enough to carry shirt dresses or empire waist long tops and match them up with folded jenns. I like this girl and really sad to see that she has an atrocious dress sens. And what's with the red nail paint, it looks trash.
Nothing wrong in being on the healthier side but please try to dress accordingly. Serious body toning is required esp. since it looks like she's hell bent on trying to look hot.
I am so frustrated, with so much money I am sure she can hire a dress designer with a decent taste. She has got to shop in good stores, I dont know whre she gets her clothes from but they seem to do nothing for her...please please Vidya get a makeover from someone good, you seriously need it.
Huge bust line and the empire waist dresses emphasis it too much (she was wearing one such dress at a radio show), it looks gross...she would look lovely in a saree!! She has a pretty face, seems like such a waste.
Since she is a celebrity, she cannot just ignore these things, this is what she gets paid for looking good and doing some acting (we all know how much of that is needed in Bollywood)!