Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Saas-bahu Himesh Reshammiya: Karrrrzz ka Kussoorr

JMLR! KTeddy scripts a brilliant saas-bahu debut for Himesh

A new soap from Kalaji Films, starring Himesbhai, Rotika (a new discovery makes her TV debut), and supported by veteran character actors Kaalokh Nath, Kurupa Roy, Kader Khhhan, Aamras Puri, and the inimitable Pani Puri among a host of others.

Some of the characters:

Kaalokh Nath - Heroine's lachaar baap Haribhai. Retired school teacher who talks incessantly about Gandhiji, usool, sanskriti. Has a drinking problem and is partial to buxom women.

Kurupa Roy - Heroine's buxom mother. Talent for screeching, fainting spells and bhajans. Secret vices: eating jalebis in the puja room while pretending to fast and sing bhajans. Always regrets not marrying Hasmukhbhai the darzi. Secretly thinks she is much better looking than any of her six daughters and that her husband is a wuss.

Rotika - the Heroine. Will be required to stumble, fall, gaze at Himes without flinching, and of course, to CRY. A lot.

Himesh - as the Himes. Honestly, who could ask for more. JMLR!

HUGE SPRAWLING BUNGALOW - INTERIOR

The wind howls and moans through the house, as windows and doors creak and swing. Curtains are blowing in the wind. The only thing not in motion, is the hair of the man brooding in an armchair wrapped in a shawl, a guitar held close to his chest. He looks up.

It's the Himes. Camera zooms in on Himes's chapped lips, and flared nostrils. The lips move....no, false alarm, it's just another crack developing. They move again, and this time it's for real, because the nostrils are quivering.

"Bees saal beet gaye....ab tak yaad hai....uske payal ki goonj...HOOOOOOO Hooo-oooo-OOOOO" He croons. Tinkling of anklets heard in background.

Himesh Reshammiya Karzzz"Woh aa gayee! At last woh aa gayee!" Himes jumps up and rushes towards the door, where he bumps into Ramukaka with the tea tray. Cups shatter, tea splatters, biscoots crumble, as Himesbhai catches Ramukaka just in time.

They stare deeply into each other's eyes.

"I wish you wouldn't wear those anklets, Ramukaka! It reminds me of ...of...(sigh) her! Besides, the anklets do nothing for your dhoti-kurta-dishtowel-on-shoulder look."

Himes drops Ramukaka, looks at the camera and continues his tale.

"This is how we met....my Varsa and I. I was spending a few days in Valsad, enjoying the anonymity that this town gave me. After all, it is not easy being the sexiest, most talented man alive, and to be mobbed by adoring women wherever I go. So, here I was, just me and my burkha, my baseball cap, my guitar, my hairdresser and some 50 bodyguards. I wandered the marketplace and the shopkeepers thought I was Maulvichacha's daughter Rehana returned from the middle east."

"My khaandaan in Mumbai did not know where I was, except for Daai-ma"

"My father is Seth Dharamdas Kesammiya, and our family controls the janghya-kachha, I mean underweeyar  empire built up over the years by my grandfather Chimanbhai. Then when my father married Maniben Patel, daughter of the Papad-pickle magnate of London, we became one of the wealthiest families in the city."

"After all, as long as there are men in this city, they will need underweeyar-banian. And as long as even a single desi is alive outside India, they will grab a bottle of pickle in a desi store as if they have found the elixir of life, no matter how many other moldy pickles are rotting uneaten in their pantries."

"Anyway, Varsa and I got married at the Hanuman Temple on the hill outside her village, her lachaar baap, her chubby maa, her irritating sisters and even Hasmukhbhai the darzi came to give us their blessings. Lachaar baap..oops I mean Sasurji gave a sermon on Gandhiji and the joy of celibacy. Sasumaa cried buckets and totally upstaged poor Varsa. They had a crying contest and Sasuji won hands down. My bodyguards cried, my hairdresser cried too, but I found out later that he cried because he would have to pick out all the grains of rice from my silken zulfein.

Then I took my bride home to the Kesammiya khaandaan.That's when all the fireworks started. "

Himesbhai looks into the distance as the chorus starts to sing in the background and the scene fades out, signalling a flashback.

KESAMMIYA KHAANDAAN HAVELI - EXTERIOR

There's a glittering Dandiya raas party going on at the Kesammiya Khaandaan's haveli. The elite of the city are present, the women in their ghagra cholis and designer kathiawadi outfits for the men. Babla's disco dandiya music blares in the background as the Kesammiya khaandaan shakes a leg.

Suddenly, the door flies open, and the entire assembly stops in mid step. The shock is so great that some unfortunate guests get hit on the head by their partners' dandiya.

Lightning! Thunder! dhish! dhish! DHISH!!

Camera spins around the vast ballroom and rests on the faces of Himesh's relatives.

The Himes has arrived back home, and brought his bride with him.

(To be continued)

Also:

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

JMDLR !
Subhan Allah
Kurban Allah
Wow
Phar Diya
Dahi Faila Diya
Jiyo
Chha Gaye writer Ji
Aspendaran Mahalingam

Bella said...

JMLR!!!! mindblowing!
wow, this was hilarious, had me chuckling the entire afternoon.

Aspi, u gotta get back onto SRGMP, u are missing alot of action.

Hey, has anyone seen the latest of that show with that dude that looks like mithun's son... that babu dude? Apparently there was some drama on the show, and I missed it :(

Pitu said...

Hahahahahahahahaaaaa!!! Absolutely funtashtic Kteddy!
JMLR! JMLR!

Anonymous said...

Mithun Jr is eliminated from the show.
Most singers are pretty average.
Can not Get over the expression of a Bheegi Billi from the London Singer who was also eliminated.
Sardar Ji is awesome.
Sara Raza is excellent with a Million $ Smile
Rest is Kurha
JMLDLR !

j said...

Also on Rotika's role - she is a very innocent, "homely", beautiful girl from a middle class family. (And middle class in tv serials means lower income who live in huge houses but have to borrow money every few months as one of the member, mostly the dad has to have major surgery)

j said...

Are ya'll talking about SRGMP USA or the one with His Himness as the judge? That USA one is so boring.

girlie girl said...

ROFFL!!! Phabulus Job Kteddy!! I was laghing so hard...tears were streaming down my face!! My favorite line "The lips move....no, false alarm, it's just another crack developing. " hahahahah!!

you need to mention the man boobs and the clevage in act 2!!

JMDLR!!!

Tania said...

Awesome job KTeddy.I am waiting for the main villain of the show and her K style bindi.
JMLR!
*clap clap*

Aspi said...

KTeddy, that was densely funny - thanks for sharing this with us!

I think Himes catching other men from falling and getting wistful for his woman should become a signature scene.

j said...

So who plays the role of Rotika? Here are my choices:

1) Tara Sharma - since we need someone very irritating to balance out our love for Himesh.

2) the bahu - Bani from Kasam Se. Her resume is full of being the middle class girl who can cry.

3) Mandira - as long as you don't want the character to dance. Great in screaming scenes - she can even scream at a blind grandma. Although she maybe more suited for the villianess role.

4) Vidya Balan - know her career is blooming but she may consider getting back to her first passion just for Himesh.

5) Himani Kapoor - Good in fake crying. She can even give background vocals.

Pitu said...

Lol I vote for Mandira!

Aspi said...

I vote for Himani because she even sounds like a female version of Himes. Plus her accha insaan breakdown on JJWS - had it been in a movie - would have bagged her a Filmfare award. But such is life, full of missed chances.

svr said...

haha, esp re: Himani and her Filmfare-worthy breakdown!

I vote for Neha Kakkar. She gives herself as much airs as Himesh does, and what's more, they're a nice contrasting style. And I don't think he sings any better than her.

Though perhaps Himesh's love affair was with Vinit. And perhaps their break-up is the reason why Vinit's been backstabbing him in JJWS. What y'all think of this new angle?

Pitu said...

O god that Neha Kakkar! Baapre, wo shuru ho jati thi to I used to feel like strangling her. She will make a FANTASTIC Rotika!! And she has shown us her dancing skills with Babuji zara dheere chalo :-p

That 'giri giri giri' part could be be shot in slow motion. And before she can 'gir' Himesbhai catches her. This 'giri giri giri' bit can also be used after a night of passion in the bhains ka tabela to indicate her status as a 'giri hui aurat' if you know what I mean :-p

Anonymous said...

Strictly For Guys

* Have a very hot Picture of Hard Kaur ; Please let me know if and how I can post it ?

girlie girl said...

I vote for Himani as well, because if both Mandira and Himess have extentions then they'll be competing against eachother to see whose zulfeins are longer and flowey!! lol!

Kteddy said...

Oh, how I enjoyed writing that part 1....Glad you liked it, folks!


Looks like Himani is leading in votes for the role of ROTIKA.

Hmmm got to get going on part 2. thanks for the Rotika background, J!

Aspi, I'll send you Part 2 by friday!

Kteddy said...

@girlie girl - hmmm you are right, villain ki entry ab honi hi chahiye

hmmmmmmm.....

Aspi said...

Ok, I'm staying away from Neha because she may or may not be helping me with some info.

Anon, you can't post pictures here. You can, however, upload it to a photo hosting site like Photobucket and link to it here.

Although I don't think the words Hot and Hard Kaur can be used in the same sentence together.

Aspi said...

KTeddy, villain should be some star stunt casting. I'll let you pick. If my all time favorite fakir Yunus Parvez had been alive today, I'd have suggested him. Lekin afsos!

Anonymous said...

Mallika threatens Himesh to expose him


Sexy Mallika Sherawat was invited as a chief guest at Zee Sa Re Ga Ma Pa but to everybody’s surprise, she was ignored by the mentors, the special judge as well as the contestants. The four mentors Himesh Reshammiya, Pritam, Shankar and Aadesh Srivastava showed their abhorrence on sitting besides her. From their activity, it was crystal clear that none of the fours mentors are in her favor. Special judge Asha Bhonsle too ignored Mallika and asked the contestants to take off the band before coming to the dais that Mallika has gifted them as a token of love. Contestant also insulted Mallika by not singing her song.

When one of the contestants named Sukhvinder was about to sing Mallika’s song, Bhege Hoth Tere, Himesh stopped him from singing so. While other mentors chose to behave properly, Himesh vehemently passed negative comments to Mallika and she too replied him as "should I expose you in front of the people?" Soon after her comment, Himesh looked nervous and he did not utter a word.

Mallika sat with the contestant and mingled with them quite well. According to the channel source, Mallika had a lot of fun on the sets and kept teasing the contestants. She was present on the show to promote her forthcoming film Ugly Aur Pagli.

anu g said...

kTEDDY, rofl!Awesome script. Waiting for the Part-2.
Has anyone noticed that when Himes realises the camera is on, he tries to give this very saintly look - lips in half-smile like all the Bhagwan-role-actors used to give in the dharmik serials like Ramayana, and squinted-eyes looking very intensely at the singer!

j said...

How did i miss Neha Infact, she was known for her "Jai Mata Di (JMD)" in Indian Idol.

girlie girl said...

we must have a villian entry soon...nothing brings out the real Himesh like a good villian...and if we get a mandira-style villain, that's a cat fight waiting to happen! And if we get a guy-villian then Himesh can show off those six-packs we've been hearing about...either that or the man-boobs!! lol

j said...

I think it has to be both. A sly rich, noodle strap, glittery saree, serpentine bindi, curly hair wearing villianess who is secretly in love with Himesh (totally believable, who would'nt be in love with H) and then her chamcha who is there to do heavy lifting and gets thrown under the bus by our chalak lady when she gets in trouble.

Tania said...

Guess what!When you do a Google image search of Balaji vamps-whose pic comes up first.
Mandira's --ha ha
And with her biceps she can play the role of both vamp and the villain.

j said...

But I think the love ishtory needs to be built on more. More scenes of the Varsaben falling and Himesh catching with some Himesh song crooning in the background.

Aspi said...

I am agree with j. In fact, I nominate this one. Its the quintessential Himesh song and its even got one of his favorites Screechy, I mean Tulsi Kumar.

And that reminds me - one of these days when I'm really missing Himesh I need to publish a list of his top 10 songs. That should be fun.

j said...

oh, that would be a hard list to make. How can you select the top 10 amongst such gems as "Tanhaiyaan" or "Jhoot nahin bolna" :)

The hard part would be differentiating one song from another.

But Himesh's version of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna on the KJ show was quite good.

TOI said...

Mandira refuses to work with Kalaji Films.

Just when her career was going great guns Mandira refuses an offer from the young and brilliant script writer KTeddy, Mandira decides to not do soaps anymore and try a second time or is it the third time to make it into movies.

KTeddy said he was dissappointed but has a whole list of bankable stars who are dying to work with him. Above all he thinks its the script and Himesh who are the USP of his serial. He also said Mandira may not have fit into the role as her julfein would be more noticeable than Himesh's and that would be unacceptable to his favourite star.

Himesh when asked about this crooned "Tera Mera Milna You dilo ka bichudna".

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Entertainment/No_soaps_for_Mandira/articleshow/3243699.cms

Aspi said...

toi, thanks for the exclusive scoop!

KTeddy will be back next week with episode 2. That might well change Mandira's mind.

Kteddy said...

JMDLR people!

Thank you, TOI, for the scoop on the unfortunate Mandira refusing to work with Kalaji Films and with their most brilliant scriptwriter yet.(ahem, if I do say so myself) What? Joules? NO, I meant ME. She gave me some great ideas? Shhhhh, I prefer to say I just took some "inspiration", like all the greatest creative talents in Bollywood.

Soon, Kteddy will be a regular judge on all the reality talent shows. Yes, I am pleased to say I have had offers for special appearances in films, too.
No, no...bollywood is sooo passe. A Bhojpuri film...yes...we must support the great traditions of our culture. Its a beautiphool story, the title is "Bhojpuri Bhains"

oh, just got a txt message from Mandy baby. She's begging to be back in the Kalaji Saas-Bahu soap. She has repented, it seems, and has realised that the role of a lifetime is slipping through her fingers. After all, she gets to play an icchadhari bahu who has an affair with Seth Dharamdas, kills the tantrik, runs off with Ramukaka and the darzi and is reborn as ....oops, I have said too much!!

Kteddy said...

TOI, the scoop was great ...however I must inform you that Kteddy is female...:-)