Friday, July 25, 2008

Saas Bahu Himesh Part 2: Chaos in the Kesammiya Khandaan

Undeterred by the fact that her last brilliant saas-bahu treatment failed to lure Himesh Reshammiya to the small screen, KTeddy delivers another classic

There’s a crash in the back of the room as Daai-maa drops a thaali of dhokla and rushes towards her baby Himes.

“Heeeeeemooooooo babaaaaa!!!!!!” she screeches, scattering dhoklas left and right as she lumbers full speed towards the couple. Meanwhile, Himesh’s brothers Jignes and Hites have tremendous frowns on their faces. Their wives Hetal and Lethal, in backless spaghetti-strap cholis, surge forward. They’re wearing earrings bigger than their faces and those terrible snake bindis, and are glowering at the new bahu on the block. Lethal’s eyes go weird. Pungi music is heard in the background, and she smiles evilly to herself.

What Jignes and the Kesammiya Khaandaan does not know, is that Lethal is really an icchadhari naagin, hell bent on revenge against Seth Dharamdas!

What about the Kesammiya Khaandaan ke buzurg? Seth Dharamdas is terribly upset, because he has just got hit on the noggin by a wooden Dandiya. He glares in a rage at his youngest offspring, a large bump throbbing on his bald head. His comb-over is coming undone. Sethani Maniben has just fainted in Dhayabhai Patel’s waiting arms. They look deeply into each other’s eyes, and think of the affair that they had so many years ago, the result of which has just brought home a bahu.

“Baa, your baby is back with a bahu for you,” says Himesh.

“Yeh ladki kaun hai, Himes? Iska khaandaan kya hai?” roars Dharamdas. “she better not be...middle-class!”

Rotika is trying to walk with a footlong pallu covering her face. She bumps into a table, and a vase on the table flies off in slow motion as the whole assembly watches. Water from the vase splashes slowly on to the portrait of Chimanbhai Kesammiya, making the face of Chimanbhai look like something Picasso would paint after a night of indigestion-induced nightmares.

“Nahiiiiiiiiiiin! Apshakoon! Dharamdas, Yeh ladki is khaandaan ko mita degi!” the family tantric OdieBaba has now moved to the foreground, with cleavage and hair extensions to rival Himesh’s, and orange robes with huge rudrakhsh beads around his neck and arms.

“Betaaa” a quavering voice pipes up. It’s the maali cum cook, Ramukaka (A.K.Hangal’s triumphant return to showbiz). “Yeh to hamaare gaon ke munshipalti iskool masterji ki ladki hai, naa!”

There is a shocked silence. Hetal and Lethal smile evilly, and Lethal hisses “Middle-class!”

“Middle-class!” “Middle-class!!!” “MIDDLE-CLASS!!!!” everyone in the Haveli is repeating “Middle-class!!” to each other. The camera spins faster and faster around the room, and rests on Rotika, who has fainted in Ramukaka’s arms, who has in turn tottered into Himes’s arms.

Nostrils quivering in righteous anger, Himesh draws a deep breath and flicks a hand over his tresses, just to make sure the “do” is okay. “Yeh aapki bahu hai, ab is ghar ki izzat hai!!! Maa Saraswati aur Hanumanji ne hame milaya tha, chiku ke khet mein. Jai Mata Di, chaalo roke (rock ) kariye!”

Himesh glares at his khaandaan, daring them to disagree, his chest heaving, cleavage quivering.

12 comments:

j said...

JMLR! Hetal and Lethal - too funny!

maxdavinci said...

Yeh aapki bahu hai, ab is ghar ki izzat hai!!! Maa Saraswati aur Hanumanji ne hame milaya tha, chiku ke khet mein

Sorry, I might have peed my pants! laughed so hard that the guy in the cubicle next to me stood up to peek!

girlie girl said...

JMDLR!!!!

What Jignes and the Kesammiya Khaandaan does not know, is that Lethal is really an icchadhari naagin, hell bent on revenge against Seth Dharamdas!

CLASSIC...nothing a villianess like a naagin with snake-like bindi, might I add!

Nostrils quivering in righteous anger, Himesh draws a deep breath and flicks a hand over his tresses, just to make sure the “do” is okay.

LMAO!! Making sure the "DO" is ok! That's totally the new-hairy-himesh thing to do!

Aspi said...

Let it be said: KTeddy writes the best Himesh fan fiction there ever will be. Its fiction about Himesh doing fiction on the small screen.

Pitu said...

HAHAHAHAAAA you ebil ebil person!! :-D That 'Odiebaba' bit was brilliant!!

bollyviewer said...

This sounds frighteningly like a real-life scenario in all the soaps I've had the misfortune to stumble across! You better hurry up and copyright the post or some soap-writer fresh out of ideas may steal it and sell it to the soap queen, Ms. K.

j said...

Love the fainting bit, now we want to include some dhamakedaar slapping.

Talking about watching bad stuff on TV, I was watching this movie "Tom, Dick and Harry". The movie is so fascinatingly bad that I can't stop watching it. Any recommendation of such movies from the drifters?

Aspi said...

Hands down, Heyy Babyy.

Cinderella said...

hahahahahaha..what a way to start my weekend! that was awesome!:-)

there was another movie too similar to Tom Dick and Harry,with Vivek oberoi and fardeen khan..i can't recollect the name...it's equally irritating!!

Tanny said...

JMLR!! I have tears running down my cheeks after laughing so hard!!I can just imagine Lethal's heavily kohled eyes changing colour when she smiles evilly to herself.. You know that bit abt the ichchadhari nagins changing eye colours! And Lmaoo @ snake shaped bindis. Anyone watched Sudha chandran in a K serial some years ago where she played the evil ma-in-law? She used to have the most weirdly creative bindis. I believe she once had a spider shaped bindi,one that looked like an exclamation mark, and a skull one too if my memory serves me right. The villains with weird bindis trend was set by her.Have a look:
http://specials.rediff.com/movies/2007/nov/15s4.jpg
I agree with aspi,you write the best himes FFs teddy...

KLeeeeerrrrraaaaa said...

I think Himanshu is ready, he cried in the recent epiosde of SRGMP!

Watch out you Tulsis,Parvatis and Prernas HR's going GLYCERINE.

KTeddy you have to do one where Himanshu gets hit in the head and becomes a 'baccha' - kahani little Dhokle Kiiii.......

leera said...

Kahin Kissi Roz, that's the show you are talking about, Tanny. I used to watch it when it first started.

She also pioneered the vamps using dark lipliner and lighter lipstick ternd, added to the vampiness of it all. She was way better than some of the Ramsay rejects that are out there nowadays.