Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Autoricksha Confessions 7: Forced siblinghood

Last time we talked about Michelle, she was a young girl who unwittingly become the cause of torment in my life. But because it eventually resulted in some weird entertainment, I consider hisaab-kitaab to be baraber.

Allow me to explain.

Michelle grew up into a beautiful young girl. She maintained her grace, acquired a jhakaas Sridevi like body and developed a dreamy gaze. When she took her dog for long evening walks, boys threw themselves at her feet willy nilly begging for Love or Death. Michelle's fame grew - first in our neighborhood, then the surrounding ones till it reached the point where it wasn't unusual for someone from some far reach of Vadodara to tour our neighborhood just to check out Michelle's house - fondly called The Oval Office (the reality is close enough to this fake moniker).

Surrounded by all this madness, Michelle retained a sweetness that was beyond my understanding. When she turned down offers for friendship, coffee or palm readings she did it with a wistful look bordering on regret. She knew how to smile without mocking the suitor du jour. And this drove the boys double deewana.

Rejects - who would quickly go about finding fault with the girl who rejected them ("yaar, woh kabhi kabhi bhengi dikhti hai") - continued to speak fondly of Michelle. They would even offer helpful tips to any reject-in-waiting who looked like he might take the plunge and make an approach. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen in my life (or since I might add).

Amidst all this I changed schools and buried my secret. The Maal Ka Bhai pain would have been insufferable otherwise.

I also started spending a lot of my after-school time with my neighbors. There were two brothers - and we'll give them names based on their 24x7 obsessions back then. Sanjay Dutt was the older brother - a happy jock - and Viv Richards was the younger introverted couch potato.

Both were madly in love with Michelle although neither had mustered the courage to get within fifteen feet of her. Often they would day dream about her - much to my amusement.

"What will our kids look like?" Dutt would wonder wistfully.

"Talking about your bhabhi again?" Viv would shoot back.

Their sister -a Amber Tamblyn type - would position herself with a bowl of peas a safe distance away from us and occasionally look up from her shelling, twirl her forefinger around her temple and jab the finger at us. This routine was part of her 50 peapods stretch.

Over a period of time, this backyard alpha male competition for Michelle became intense. During particularly hot and boring summer afternoons, I would fan the flames to entertain myself. Occasionally Dutt and Viv would even come to blows.

Then one day, something really weird happened.

Dutt, Amber and I were watching something on TV. Viv walked down the stairs from his room and announced in a clear ringing voice: "I've decided to make Michelle my sister!"

We all looked up not quite comprehending.

Viv continued (in Gujarati): "From this point on, anyone who talks about my new sister in any lascivious way will be dealt with severely!" For effect, he paused to glare at Dutt.

Amber and I chuckled. We were quickly silenced with a dirty look.

This incident resulted in some hilarious scenes at the Dutt-Viv residence. Dutt would come home after having gallivanted around town with his friends.

"Man, I saw Michelle today!" He'd say. "And that maal..." 

This would be interrupted by a swift whack to his head by Viv. "No one talks about OUR sister like that!"

"She's NOT MY sister!" Dutt would holler holding his head.

This was even more amusing to me than before. But somehow - I can't remember the specifics of how - as a result of this newly minted fake sibling relationship my secret was outed. Viv couldn't believe it. And Dutt entirely stopped talking about Michelle in Viv's company.

This would have been the end of it except that several months later Viv started insisting we take a walk around the perimeter of the neighborhood. This was unusual - we never took walks, preferring instead to either play cricket or read through a new copy of The Sportstar. Yet I would indulge Viv.

I didn't make the connection at first, but Michelle would usually be walking her dog at roughly the same time. And me being her social brother and all - if Michelle could peer over the mounds of majnus strewn at her feet she'd wave and walk over for a quick chat.

During one such roadside conversation with Michelle I said something to Viv. "Isn't that right, Viv?" I asked turning to him. And horrors! Viv had this expression of puppy dog love frozen on his face. He was staring right at Michelle. I must have said "Viv!" about three times before he snapped out of it. Both Michelle and I turned red. I made some excuse, grabbed Viv's hand and high tailed it out of there.

This creepy incident ended our walks around the neighborhood. Viv barely realized what had happened. He was cut up for a bit about me turning down every walk he proposed.

I saw very little of Michelle from then on. And at that point in life - it was fine by me.

53 comments:

megan said...

i didn't get it :(

Pitu said...

Superb! Loved it :-) Yaar tu kitaab kab likh raha hai? The Sultan will make it required reading!

girlie girl said...

oh how embarassing for poor viv! I wonder was Sanjubaba was on the stroll with the two of you? cause if he was the expression on his face would've been priceless!! haha

Aspi said...

Just saw this on the site - Holy Crap, its a long post for one with no pictures in it. I need to learn how to not ramble on.

Pitu said...

Ramble away! It was fun :-D

Kanan said...

Bring on the rambles!

LOL Aspi... Now I wanna tell you my stories so you can convert them into autoricksha confessions. :D

Looks like Megania needs an executive summary. :P

meena said...

Aspi, been a while since I stopped by (.family taking over again..)and what do you know I am just in time to hear the sequel of the story :)

'..turned down offers for friendship, coffee or palm readings..' ha ha palm readings..the favorite (and only) tactic ever invented by the desi male to get a shot at holding a girl's hand.

How do you remember these things?

meena said...

Aspi, been a while since I stopped by (.family taking over again..)and what do you know I am just in time to hear the sequel of the story :)

'..turned down offers for friendship, coffee or palm readings..' ha ha palm readings..the favorite (and only) tactic ever invented by the desi male to get a shot at holding a girl's hand.

How do you remember these things?

j said...

Saw Rock On preview on TV yesterday and the movie is looking quite interesting. Looking forward to it.

Aspi, next time you interview Farhaan ask him where does Javed ji buy those nice kurtas from.

Love this one:
http://www.bollywoodhungama.com/stills/partiesnevents/Rani_Mukherjee_and_Shabana_Azmi_at_the_launch_of_Bhawana_Somaaya's_book_'Krishna_-_The_God_Who_Lived_as_Man'/still46428.html

megan said...

i will do my new autoricksha confession as well..someone plsss help me

i am working few days a week at this convention center/theater.. and there is a guy (lets call him Napolean) there he is the lighting guy, he designs the lights etc.. i have a thing for him.. its weird...he's not even good looking or has a good personality..but its weird.. yesterday i was walking to the cafe with a dude who works with me (lets call him Jack Black) and my friend says "OMG he's wearing boots over his jeans" i thought he was joking but he rly wasn't..

WTF..LOL anyway i think i act rly dorky and weird in front of Napolean..he prolly thinks i am random.. but at least i look good i suppose cuz i bought like so many pairs of new clothes to wear at work.. dresses and all..

anyhoo my manager wanted me to give him a little "onceover" on a design program we use at college (lol at first i was like what is this onceover..not getting used to all these fancy work related terms hahaha)...so i put some makeup and perfume and went to his office..and there were three people standing behind him.. i was like umm so i just stood there

then one of the guys there says "Napolean there is a young girl at your door".. Napolean doesn't even turn around and says "okay who is it?" and i was like "ugh ummm meee Megan" i dont even know he knew my name and i was kinda stuttering.. WTF i don't stutter or get shy at all..

i said My manager Himesh Reshamiya (alias) sent me here, think he spoke to you????????

he said "well can u please come back in half an hour i am a busy right now"

WHAT THE FUCK????? i said "ok" and turned around rolling my eyes.. the dudes there saw me... ugh what if they make a complaint to Himesh?

Kanan said...

Megania, you better not start with these confessions. Your Shekkubaby will be singing "ek bewafa se pyaar kiya.. " and thinking of jumping off some random cliff. LOL!

ROFL @ Napoleon

LMAO @ Himesh

Let the dudes go to Himesh, then you can complain to Himesh that it's against your work ethics to waste valuable time like that. ;)

m said...

anyway i went back to my desk and bitched about it with Jack Black..and Jack was like gawd what an asshole, you should have told him that Himesh wanted that done asap..

anyhoo i had nothing to do for 30 mins, but i thought going there in 30 mins exactly would make me look like a loser..and i tricked Jack Black, i said lets go for a coffee again and like i'll go see Napolean, give him a run down and then we'll both go get some coffee afterwards! Jack said ok

so i went to the office and Napolean isn't there..then i sit down on the chair and he makes his delayed appearance (he's just a production monkey, not some big shot manager UFFFF) saying "here's trrrrouble, how long is it gonna take?"(UGH) TROUBLE? .. what a lame joke?? i said "19 minutes and 32 seconds"

anyhoo i was nervous and like shaky throughout..so weird.. then we left i got jack black to take some pictures of me posing with the fake egyptian tombs and mummies and zombies..and Napolean walks past and says "watch out they are real" he isn't Russell Peters..not funny!

anyhoo i wonder what he thinks of me..i hope he doesn't think i am dating Jack Black cuz we're always together..JB is just a "saheli" of the male kind..

m said...

anyway work was over and i left and went to get my eyebrows done came home and realize that my uber cool sunnies.. that costed me fortunes is missing and last time i remember wearing them was when i came back from Napolean's office (first time)

i don't have work until next monday...and like jack black checked this morning its not at the office..

i wonder if i left it at Napolean's office.. what if i had?? what am i gonna do? i dont wanna ring him cuz he might think i am just coming up with excuses to see him...

the lady at the salon said she hasn't seen it either

what should i do?

m said...

hehehe kanan, yeah! "work ethics" that sounds good..i will totally use that if they make a complaint

hahaha poor shakky..he is used to my philandering ways by now...everytime i crush on someone else now he just jumps off the patio bench not cliff... the worst that could happen out of this is a sprained ankle, no broken bones

j said...

Give him a "onceover". Very funny.

j said...

I am a little embarassed but I did'nt get it either. Sorry.

Aspi said...

Meena, this is how summer is in the land where time stands still in Winters.

megan, dump napoleon (I'm assuming the alias is from napoleon dynamite) and start dating Jack Black. Then all your problems will be solved. Unless napoleon is really quite a personality - which it sounds like he ain't.

Your other option is to frown at him and say "do you always dress like that?" This way he gets pissed at you and all of us who watch Hindi movies know that is the first step towards real love.

MeganPankha said...

Megania :
Do Not Listen to any one and Just Go for a FOB from Punjab. Tall Dark and Handsome with Singing Skills : Followed by Cooking Skills.

Aspi said...

Such a person does not exist! Its a known fact that if a man can sing well he can't cook and vice versa.

m said...

heheehe pankhaji are you referring to anyone in particular?

aspi - jack black is ummm how do i put it..like he is good as a "friend" at work... someone whose got my back and will help me and i can sweet talk into doing things.. but thats IT.. i would sound like a shallow superficial user if i elaborate..

Never Mind!! said...

Hilarious!!

Aspi: who says men cant cook and sing? My marital status is proof of that. :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe, I am slow :( i didn't get it. aspi, explain

Aspi said...

anon, you aren't slow :) But I can't figure out where to start. Next one - I'll do better.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shahid Kapur,

If you visit this blog and are reading this,I'd just like to let you know that I LOVEEEEE YOU.

I used to find you very gay-ish looking and a kiddie tryin hard to look like a man before but your charm has really won me over.

You're so mature and just wow.So..........different!Maybe Kareeena found you a bit boring,quiet and sober cuz she seems like a pretty impatient person.I love the fact that you're soo calm and laidback.At such a young age,you behave so mature.

PS:Marry me,k?

Fan Of Meg said...

Is the appeal to Shahid from our Very Own .............?
Megania Yes there is but I charge a Fee for *Search & Match

& Aspi There are exceptions for exceptional People Like MeganDiva

Fan Of Meg

Shayad Kapur said...

Dear proposal, I'm not ready to settle down just yet. However, I am more than willing to explore a relationship ever since that you know who dumped me and took off with you know who although no one knows why.

However, you've seen my pictures and read about my life. I don't even know what you look like. Your description will be followed by my prescription.

megan said...

OMG fanji give me some credit here.. SHAHID KAPUR NUH UH..i don't like guys who look like 14 year old kid on steroids and who are hyperactive energizer bunnies! MY gawd!

Aspi said...

Turns out there are men who can cook and sing. Of course, how well is all relative but I'll give people the benefit of the doubt.

Fan-e-Meg said...

Shahid Kapur with his High Heels doesnot qualify as Tall Dark Handsome but I was just Checkiing Meg.

Cooking Can also be reheating in a Microwave and singing could be using right kind of music CD at the right time.

I can be persuaded to reduce my price for the refferal.

Anonymous said...

Megan,app Ranbir se mohabbat kar sakthi hain lekin Shahid se nahi?Yeh kya baat hue=/

Ranbir mein kya hai joh mere Shahid mein nahi hai?Haan,shayad Ranbir,Shahid se thoda zaada mardaana lagtha hoga.Par phir bhi,apna Shahid is theee beshttt.

Toh kya hua agar woh 6 feet nahi hain.Ranbir toh GAY ICON HAI,uski aadaein Shahid ki tarhaan dilkash nahi hain.Ranbir mein koi class nahi hai.Shahid ka ek alag hi tarikha hai sawaal ka jawaab dene ka.Ranbir bahut zaada open hai aur kuch mystery nahi chodtha.Sab kuch bole deta hai!

j said...

Hey Megan, Did you find your sunnies? And were they in Nap's office?

Aspi said...

Meg won't mind me saying this: but she is still in hot pursuit. But (and here I will to sound like m) OMG! those sunnies were $$$!! They must be found!!

Rakhi Sawant said...

Aye Megan Jogan
Mein Rakhi Sawant and need some help.
I need to hire you as my English Coach which is good for my new TV show.
Tell Me what are yur charges and Please tell Aspi that he should appoint me as a Brand Ambassador for his Blog, I will do it for free and can do anything for him.
Thanks
Rakhi frm Virar Mumbai

Aspi said...

Rakhi behen, consider yourself appointed.

Hon VP - Contents Development, Aspi's Drift said...

Aspi
Next o your review List suggested Singer can be Mohit Chaihan.
His JWM , Kismat Konnection , Silk Route and some of other numbers sung by him are exceptionally Good.

Music Review writing is fast becoming your specialty with the Trade Mark Aspi and may continue in this Blog

Cute Rakhi said...

Thanks Aspi but Do not Call me Behen.
My Assistant Ghati Tapori will send you some of the Stunning Photo's that you can use on your blog.

Aspi said...

Ah, so you are the new Rakhi. The old one who stopped by here tied a fake rakhi on me and became a behen.

But you know how these relationships go....

I await the dhaasu pics.

Aspi said...

VP - Content Development, thanks for taking on this responsibility. I have liked Mohit in the past and in fact remember watching him with Vasundhara on Mission Ustaad. (Boy, these shows really help with the music knowledge).

I haven't reviewed anything with him lately, but will keep my ear out for him.

Aspi Fan said...

I can send you Mohit's music if you want and it is an Honour to be at your Blog and help in contents developmet

Aspi said...

Fan/VP Content Dev, I've got Mohit's stuff that he has done for Bollywood soundtracks. If he has an independent CD I would love to check that out. You can either shoot me an email with details: ahavewala {at} gmail {dot} com or find me on Facebook.

Aspi Sevak said...

Silk Route is an Independednt CD of Mohit.
I will upload it at Mediafire and will send you links to download.
I will also send you my wish list to Featurefutur blogs on Music Catagorthat can have composers , Singers , and writers.

Pitu said...

'Aspi Sevak' Hahaha. I need a 'Pitu Sevak'. Hmm *makes mental note*

Hard Kaur said...

Hey Aspinder !
How can you forget me and appoint that Ghati From Virar as your Brand Ambassador.
I am more talented and Better Looking , so fire Rakhri & Hire your own Hard Kaur !!

girlie girl said...

So many demands and only one Drift available! how powerful do you feel right now, Aspi?!

Anonymous said...

Mighty one Aspiis eqal to Sava Lakh !
Way to go Aspi.
Mohit is emailed to you , download it when you have time

Aspi said...

Anon, thanks for the links! Be back over the long weekend to check them out.

Hard Kaur, call me yaar - you'd be great to interview.

To be fair, fake Rakhi has been hanging out with us for longer so she knows the Drift really well and we have a deeper connection with her. But one can always be built with anyone who can sing a party song like Ek Glassey. So let's see how it goes.

Sherlyn Chopra said...

Aspeeeeeeee !
I hear two names on this Blog that I do not like.
You know that No One is Better than me & I deserve to be the Brand Ambassador

Bipasha Basu said...

Aspi, I am sending you a belated Rakhi. Please be my brother, no?

Koffee with Mind Rush said...

OK, I get this Confession. Boy, it's HUGE!

So, Viv decided to forsake women and that's why he made Michelle his sister...And he was so in love with you....That's why you held his hand and both you and Viv walked away from Michelle into the sunset...
OK, I do get it.

Mind Rush said...

Guys, all in jest! I have been busy but missed you all. Will be here more...

Aspi said...

Bips, nahi, kabhi nahi!

(John, I know that was actually you. Nice try buddy)

Mind Rush, thanks. Without you I wouldn't know myself so well. And while we are at it, what do you think of my garden anomaly? (Check your email).

m said...

yeah so today i emailed Napolean asking if i left my sunnies at his desk last week..also said it looks like this and provided a link to the sunnies on neiman marcus site

AND GUESS WHAT DOES HE DO???

nothing..no reply...WTF why would anyone wanna take somethin that don't belong to them?

Jack Black thinks he is probably wearing it..and was like you should check his facebook a/c - he'd he posing with it with a Blue Steele..

EWWW what a loser..can't believe i ever liked that guy.. OMG

how can i teach him a lesson for stealing my sunnies..he can't get away with it no way!

Aspi said...

Its pretty simple actually. First see if you can pretend to be on the phone when Nap is around and take a picture of him. Then photoshop your sunnies on his mug.

Take a printout and publish a LOST flyer. Post it outside Nap's boss' office.