Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Real Luv Story with Himesh: by Bunker Swahadevan

Hi, my name is Bunker Swahadevan. For those who might not know me, I compose music in Bollywood along with my partners, forming the trio: Bunker-Fashion-Coy.

A few months ago I decided to become a judge on a show called Sa Re Drama Pa.

"It'll be great" the producers told me. "You'll be on TV. You'll get the chance to mentor kids". Plus there was the money and the prospect of finding good, cheap singers. So I said yes.

From some of my buddies who shall remain unnamed, I had heard a lot about this Himesh character and how he drew people into fights. So on the first day I told everyone that I wasn't that kind of a judge. But lo and behold, pretty soon we all got into a horrible fight, prompted by none other than the aforementioned troublemaker. All on national TV!

I was devastated. I came home and heard Coy playing the theme from Kal Ho Na Ho on his keyboard.

"Can't you play something less manoos for once!" I snapped at him and stormed into the bathroom.

There I cried in front of the mirror. You know how on the show that karun basuri starts playing whenever someone starts whining? Well, that started playing in my bathroom. It freaked me out. I sang Ma from Tare Zameen Par three times and wallowed in self-pity. Then I slipped into a troubled sleep.

I had the weirdest dream! I dreamt that I was walking down the corridor of a dimly lit dungeon. It was moist in there. Hair grew on the walls. I smelled Brut in the air.

In the first cell I passed I saw Hansika Motwani. "Help me!" she said "I was stuck in a movie with him!"

In the second cell I saw Bappi Lahiri. His song Disco Badshah played continuously on a loop. "Bankor my baadi!" he pleaded. "I'll kiss Abhijit if you get me out of here!"

In the third cell I saw my friends Shekhar and Vishal. Someone had put Shekhar in pants with no pockets. Poor Shekhar didn't know where to put his hands and out of sheer shyness was hiding his face with them instead.

Vishal had been chained in front of a TV playing the Mothers Day special episode of Jo Jeeta Wohi Superstar. At first he put on a brave face and said "Bring it on Dude!!" But when his eyes fell on me his voice shook: "Bunker old pal, any chance you have some jasmine tea on you. I don't think I'll make it otherwise!"

Further down I saw Satish Kaushik in a cell. He looked fine but his mouth had been taped shut. I remember thinking this was actually a good idea. But clearly, Satish was in turmoil and that wasn't good.

I kept walking. An unearthly cackle filled the dungeon. The narrow corridor flared into a huge room. In the center was a tall pedestal with exactly ten steps. Seated at the top of the pedestal was Himesh - a fierce wind billowed through his clothes. (For some reason his hair remained perfectly in place). He bared his teeth, pointed at me and cackled again. "You will soon be HISTORY!" he bellowed. I trembled with fear - certain I was about to breathe my last.

When it seemed all was lost, out of nowhere a magnificent shadowy figure swooped upon Himesh, unseating him and sending him tumbling to the floor. His toupee parted company with his head. Himesh whimpered and scurried into a corner. The figure turned, the light from behind me lit her face. It was Urmila Matondkar.

"Urmila!" I exclaimed with joy. "How did you do it? How did you make Himesh your bitch?!"

"Listen carefully to what I have to say" said Urmila to me. "Because your life depends on it"

I clasped my hands and fell to my knees in front of her.

"Bunker" she continued "The only way to get the better of Himesh is...." she paused for effect. "Chato him endlessly. Get good at it. Get better at it than Himesh himself!"

"But how can I bring myself to do that?" I said, stunned by this advice. "I'd rather shave my soul strip!"

"There is no other way!" she said as she faded before my eyes.

"Don't leave me!" I screamed. Just then, I woke up in my bed with a start. The scream was actually Fashion playing guitar over a Jimmy Page song. Sigh! On the positive side, I've never had to spend money buying an alarm clock.

I showered quickly, scarfed a couple of idlis and made my way to the ZeeTV studios. With Urmila's advice ringing in my ears I approached Himesh with a whole new attitude. I praised him endlessly. I told him he was a path breaker. I begged him to let me compose music in one of his films. I started calling him Sir.

And well, whadyaknow? It worked! Himesh and I now exchange loving looks constantly on the show. I've even adopted that silly "History" phrase of his, yelling it in every show with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. In return, Himesh calls me The Nose of India and keeps his baying in check.

Both of these, I can live with. I have found peace and connected with inner goodness. I've apologized to Fashion and Coy for thinking rudely of them. I keep my cool even when Fashion tries to pretend he is Richie Blackmore or Coy doodles with the Barney theme on the keys. I couldn't be happier.

Thank you for saving my life, Urmila.

Himesh, flying kiss!

31 comments:

dockaul said...

He He He!! Aspi the dude!! Outtasite!! ROFL Dil Se!! Glad to see the idea germinate in your brilliant post..

Ab Hamare Pratham Copykarti ka bhi interview hona chahiye

Anonymous said...

this is hilarious :-d
-bee

maxdavinci said...

SRGMP packs more punch than all the saas-bahu shows put together. II4 a late entrant is trying to ramp up on the senti factor but they did try it during the auditions with 7 minutes pure crying footage of a contestant!

Even anooJi had tears in his eyes!

looks liek it's gonna be a interesting fight...

KC said...

Aspi,
This is hilarious as usual, indeed! Nowadays, I look forward to your articles more than the show itself:). By the way, once you get chance, please start writing on Indian Idol as you know the new season has started.

Thanks for the entertainment,
KC

Aspi said...

I've been watching Indian Idol so will do a post soon!

musical said...

"Nahin nahin Bunker Babu, aap to aise na the" :-D.

Aspi, this is superb, fantastic, outstanding, mindblowing :-D.

j said...

This is funny. Stop giving Himesh a bad name. Its his aura that everyone gets attracted to.

Just remember you can never be like Himesh. Ask Ismail Darbar. He tried and now is hosting dandia shows in Gujarat.

Aspi said...

j, I agree. History will be kinder to Himesh because his songs sure sound good to me. I am suddenly loving a lot more on Karzzz than I did before. And to be fair, Himesh is 2xBTM (Better Than Mimoh).

Kanan said...

"Hair grew on the walls" ROFL! ROFL! ROFL!

"Bankor my baadi!" LMAO

Someone had put Shekhar in pants with no pockets ~ LMAOWTIME

Aspi, you should put a warning before the post to not read it within populated area that's supposed to be quiet.

At first I thought this was Harry Potter meets Himesh in Bollywood, now I'm certain of it. :P

My advise to Bankor, say JMLR more often, if you already haven't started doing so. ;)

JMLR!

j said...

Bunker-Fashion-Coy, ha ha.

The lut jaoon is really growing on me. The movie seems to be horrible though.

Although if you objectively look at the old Karz it was the also the music that elevated that movie.

Aspi said...

The old Karz was ridiculous. Anyone remember how the old OSO song started? Someone was sliding his hand on the guitar trying to coax disco beats out of it. There were 30 thin guys with guitars on the stage. Most prominent dance step in the song? Jogging!

Mind Rush said...

First off, you have outdone yourself, Drift saab! Aap bloggers ki naak hain.

Second, this Kafka style dream sequence has me all hot and bothered. Aap Mind Rush ko unemploy kar denge! Psychologically, this piece is too astute, yaar!

Third, I actually knew someone named Bunker Roy. He was a dreamer but not a singer.

Last but not the least, from your write up it sounds like your man Bunker fell asleep in the bathroom! What gives?

Pitu said...

Awesome!! Now all we need is for Bunker and Himesh to sing a reallllll lurvvvvvv songgggg in chiffon saris in Switzerland... a match made in Heaven, I say!!

Pitu said...

"The old Karz was ridiculous. "

NO!!!! I can't hear you, you blasphemer. *shuts ears and rocks back and forth* LALALALALALA!

j said...

I should have said "only the music" elevated it. Aspi, your comment is more on the dancing and not the music, right? Because, I love "Dar-de-dil" and "Ek Hasina Thi"

Aspi said...

Yes, the music was excellent - if a little too band-bajaa-shaadi types. But then Laxmi-Pyare have that kind of blood on their hands, so it comes with the territory.

But the movie itself, I mean, come on! If we can trash Mimoh's Jimmy, then Rishi's Karz deserves an honorary mention. I'm not trashing the plot - it was stolen after all. But the screenplay - hilarious!

Anyone remember the scene in which Pran "tests" Rishi by asking his goons to beat him up and terrorize, gag and tie his niece to a tree. Heartwarming!

Dhakkan said...

First ox Office Flop of Himness - Karzz.
Hope it humbles him a bit !!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Weere it says "17 more Drifts" can you please say "Comments". Becoz it is not clear where to click for writing comments.

Aspi said...

Anon, I changed it back. Anything for you!

Anonymous said...

You said anything for you Anon
Please change your Fotu on your blod - One between Aspi & Drift.
Have seen you other photo on comments and is Much better , worthy of a Movie contract.

Aspi said...

Geez! Last time an Anon stopped by and told me to do the exact same thing. So I swapped the pictures back. But I kind of agree with you. The pic on the comment looks less scary than the one on the blog. And hence another change shall be made!

Kutha said...

Shut up Anon!

Aspi's handsome and looks good in all of his pictures!

Kutha Protester said...

Kutha - appreciating your love for Aspi , It is requested not to use harsh words like Shut Up.

I maintain the old photo on comments was excellent - this is like a caricature.

Aspi said...

I have an observation to make that might help. I have a huge nose and one of my cheeks is bigger than the other one. So its entirely likely that I look weird from one angle and slightly weirder in others. In that case, we pick the weird one.

But I must say no one of consequence will talk to me ever since I put that last pic up so its time for a change :)

Kind Mush said...

Shift saab, your cheeks are cute from any angle!
--Kind Mush (formerly known as Mind Rush)

Kanan said...

Aspi, I have a brilliant idea!

Why don't you interview Himesh? I am sure you've already been looking at his calendar long before this thought popped in my head but I am just thinking... I think Drift will become world famous in a blink. Not to mention drifters will go bonkers with crazy love for HR.

Idea achha hai, soch ke batana implement ho sakta hai... *prays to God*

JMLR!

Anonymous said...

Aspi ji, loved the hilarious post, thanks a lot.

By the way any idea of getting some artificial lushy growth on that vacant area above your imaginative brain, like those chinese locks acquired by the great Himesbhai?

*Govinda Moments* said...

Husn hai suhanaaaaa
Ishk hai divanaaaaaa

Roop kaa khazana aaj hai lutanaaaa
Aake divane mujhe seene se laga

Naa naa naa,goriya chura naa meraa jiya, goriya chura na mera jiya

Anonymous said...

^^^I love that song and the moves that Karishma-Govinda were bustin up.

*Ghetto Sistah* said...

Hey yawl wuhz poppin?

This is ghetto sistah from deh hood,and she'd like to join your lil crew ovah here=]

Aspi said...

Kanan, may your idea come true! But Himmi is nowhere I can reach him. Plus he'd probably only agree to an interview so he could kill me :)

Anon, no plans, but in my worst moments I feel like I find myself thinking of the Hair Club. In my best moments I feel like throwing a really bad toupee on and entertaining myself.

ghetto sistah, the only ghetto sistah we knew of till now was Piggy Chops. You are most welcome here. If you get a chance, tell us who you think is the most authentic ghetto act in Bollywood today.