Hi, my name is Bunker Swahadevan. For those who might not know me, I compose music in Bollywood along with my partners, forming the trio: Bunker-Fashion-Coy.
A few months ago I decided to become a judge on a show called Sa Re Drama Pa.
"It'll be great" the producers told me. "You'll be on TV. You'll get the chance to mentor kids". Plus there was the money and the prospect of finding good, cheap singers. So I said yes.
From some of my buddies who shall remain unnamed, I had heard a lot about this Himesh character and how he drew people into fights. So on the first day I told everyone that I wasn't that kind of a judge. But lo and behold, pretty soon we all got into a horrible fight, prompted by none other than the aforementioned troublemaker. All on national TV!
I was devastated. I came home and heard Coy playing the theme from Kal Ho Na Ho on his keyboard.
"Can't you play something less manoos for once!" I snapped at him and stormed into the bathroom.
There I cried in front of the mirror. You know how on the show that karun basuri starts playing whenever someone starts whining? Well, that started playing in my bathroom. It freaked me out. I sang Ma from Tare Zameen Par three times and wallowed in self-pity. Then I slipped into a troubled sleep.
I had the weirdest dream! I dreamt that I was walking down the corridor of a dimly lit dungeon. It was moist in there. Hair grew on the walls. I smelled Brut in the air.
In the first cell I passed I saw Hansika Motwani. "Help me!" she said "I was stuck in a movie with him!"
In the second cell I saw Bappi Lahiri. His song Disco Badshah played continuously on a loop. "Bankor my baadi!" he pleaded. "I'll kiss Abhijit if you get me out of here!"
In the third cell I saw my friends Shekhar and Vishal. Someone had put Shekhar in pants with no pockets. Poor Shekhar didn't know where to put his hands and out of sheer shyness was hiding his face with them instead.
Vishal had been chained in front of a TV playing the Mothers Day special episode of Jo Jeeta Wohi Superstar. At first he put on a brave face and said "Bring it on Dude!!" But when his eyes fell on me his voice shook: "Bunker old pal, any chance you have some jasmine tea on you. I don't think I'll make it otherwise!"
Further down I saw Satish Kaushik in a cell. He looked fine but his mouth had been taped shut. I remember thinking this was actually a good idea. But clearly, Satish was in turmoil and that wasn't good.
I kept walking. An unearthly cackle filled the dungeon. The narrow corridor flared into a huge room. In the center was a tall pedestal with exactly ten steps. Seated at the top of the pedestal was Himesh - a fierce wind billowed through his clothes. (For some reason his hair remained perfectly in place). He bared his teeth, pointed at me and cackled again. "You will soon be HISTORY!" he bellowed. I trembled with fear - certain I was about to breathe my last.
When it seemed all was lost, out of nowhere a magnificent shadowy figure swooped upon Himesh, unseating him and sending him tumbling to the floor. His toupee parted company with his head. Himesh whimpered and scurried into a corner. The figure turned, the light from behind me lit her face. It was Urmila Matondkar.
"Urmila!" I exclaimed with joy. "How did you do it? How did you make Himesh your bitch?!"
"Listen carefully to what I have to say" said Urmila to me. "Because your life depends on it"
I clasped my hands and fell to my knees in front of her.
"Bunker" she continued "The only way to get the better of Himesh is...." she paused for effect. "Chato him endlessly. Get good at it. Get better at it than Himesh himself!"
"But how can I bring myself to do that?" I said, stunned by this advice. "I'd rather shave my soul strip!"
"There is no other way!" she said as she faded before my eyes.
"Don't leave me!" I screamed. Just then, I woke up in my bed with a start. The scream was actually Fashion playing guitar over a Jimmy Page song. Sigh! On the positive side, I've never had to spend money buying an alarm clock.
I showered quickly, scarfed a couple of idlis and made my way to the ZeeTV studios. With Urmila's advice ringing in my ears I approached Himesh with a whole new attitude. I praised him endlessly. I told him he was a path breaker. I begged him to let me compose music in one of his films. I started calling him Sir.
And well, whadyaknow? It worked! Himesh and I now exchange loving looks constantly on the show. I've even adopted that silly "History" phrase of his, yelling it in every show with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. In return, Himesh calls me The Nose of India and keeps his baying in check.
Both of these, I can live with. I have found peace and connected with inner goodness. I've apologized to Fashion and Coy for thinking rudely of them. I keep my cool even when Fashion tries to pretend he is Richie Blackmore or Coy doodles with the Barney theme on the keys. I couldn't be happier.
Thank you for saving my life, Urmila.
Himesh, flying kiss!