Saturday, November 22, 2008

Things that make me go Grr! by guest blogger Karen Johar

Hi, my name is Karen Johar. I am one of Bollywood's big cheeses - high on most power lists. I am an actor, writer, producer, director and yes, a TV talk show host (remember Krappee with Karen?)

I am here to tell everyone how loved I feel by everyone's show of support for Dostana. Now you may ask: Karen that's not your movie. But it is: I produced it - I'd like everyone to know that. Its under my very own production house Pharma Productions - which I'm very proud of.

But I am indeed very hurt about some people saying the movie is offensive to homosexuals. What?! We made it with great sensitivity and care. Our intent was to entertain - it wasn't just to cash in on the 'gay is chic' phase urban India is entering.

I invited a bunch of people from the gay community to watch it before hand. Sure, they were all my friends. And they had downed a few martinis beforehand. But they loved it! Would your own friends lie to you? Have I lied to any of my....Okay, maybe that's not such a good example. But you're smart. You get my point, no?

People itna jalte hain! Dostana is a great movie! It stars John Baberaham's body. Its got music by Visual and Skater. Do you even need a plot?

This reminds of the witch hunt that ensued when I made TANK - Tubhi Alvida Na Kehna. I made that movie with the biggest superstar in the world Starlook Khan. And yes, there were a bunch of other people in the movie too. But does it matter? Starlook was in it!

I'll admit this movie lived up to its name and tanked at the box office. But it was the viciousness with which people called me The Enemy of Marriage that shook me up. I remember crying for days afterward. Pani Lookerji walked up to me and said "Karen you need to make family friendly movies!"

I told Pani: "With all due respect dear, I make family friendly movies for single people who like to party. Or inebriated DINKS. Is that so bad!!"

Bollywood conservatism disgusts me. I want to change it all.

But that is where I have a big problem. I also want to be loved by all. You have no idea how much work it is in Bollywood to love Starlook and still keep my feet in other camps. There are days when my cheeks hurt from having to smile constantly at people I barely like. And maroing maskaa to everyone? Exhausting! Its taking years off my life!

But my shrink has helped me in this regard. You see as a child I was not a cool kid. Why even at birthday parties that Adweebya Chopra would hog all the attention. Such a faker! He would pretend to be above Bollywood and insist he wasn't into doing the whole filmi thing. And then during dance competitions, he'd mysteriously nail Bollywood dances and win the first prize. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WINNING THE DANCE COMPETITION! Never mind. Those early experiences left me with a need to be loved by all.

I'd like to say that even though I have a reputation for being a bit nasty, I'm actually a rather sweet person. Remember that gift hamper I used to give my guests on my show Krappee with Karen? Wasn't that super sweet? Bollywood stars love freebies! You should have seen how Brinjal threw herself all over that fairness cream I pack in the hamper.

Why just yesterday Glory Khan stopped by to show me her new Versace handbag. Did I tell her to turn down the setting on her fake bake? No! Instead I graciously smiled and told her she looks like the queen that Starlook deserves! Wasn't that nice of me? Yes, it was.

But back to the challenges at hand. I'm making more movies. Starlook is in one of them. I need all your support. Let's all join our hands and bring positive change to Bollywood. Let's include everyone in our world.

Life, I love you! And everyone in my life, I want you to love me too!

55 comments:

Deepa said...

Hahahahahahahahah... Aspi.. you've nailed it... again.. This was sooooooo hilarious.. :D

Lin said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

LOLOLOLOLOL!

Since we're talking about Dostana. Maybe I'm weird like that. But umm, those promos with John Abraham ultra bulked up didn't appeal to me. Take heed, bollywood actors--this is the lead role went to Dev Patel in Slumdog Millionaire.

Also on the same subject. I saw some stills of Aamir Khan's promo pics of Ghajini. My Eyes. My Eyes. *shudder*

Yeah. Maybe I'm just weird and other women go gaga over this stuff.

Lin said...

I meant this is WHY the lead role went......

Deepa said...

ps: not sure if you still check out the Rock On group page on FB, but a new group for Zoya Akhtar's Luck By Chance has now been created.. :D

musical said...

Talking about Ghajini, looks like Aamir Khan did something to take care of his puffy eyes! His face looks much younger compared to his "Fanaa" look.

And Lin, i agree, Dev Patel is a treat to watch.

Ahem, and i realize that i am off topic, kinda' :-D. But what a howlarious read, Aspi!

Aspi said...

Deepa, I will check it out!

Lin, John Abraham is one of the few Indian actors I actually like despite the fact that he is limited in his range (most people say he can't act - which is another way to say the same thing - only less accurate if you ask me)

musical, noted!

Lin said...

Also, Aspi

Does this mean you have no hope of ever interviewing K-Jo? :) :)

Aspi said...

I should tell you this: even the smallest of filmi people shoo me away like a fly. Only musical people are nice and have time for their fans :) Well, most of them anyways.

m said...

OMG

at first i was like don't tell me K Jo? Aspi is rly moving places

then i started reading the rest of it and was like LOL...

and i haven't seen the movie yet either, i am sure it will be super lame like the rest of the bollywood comedies.. EWW

and Ghajini trailor is super distressing, Aamir Khan's cleavage YUCK

i watched Kipnap and Junior Aamir Khan was so BAD IN IT.. and he is supposed to be a promising newcomer ..that is Bollywood for you, to be promising you have to have a Khan as you surname.. he attended acting school in US didn't he? It must be Keanu Reeves School of acting..

svr said...

@Aspi, that's good to know! So we can also take liberties with Starlook and Glory -- and Cashwarya, maybe?:P

Here after a long silence -- have been lurking though, on a not-so-regular basis; finished a degree, started a job and moved, and settling in was rather crazy. But now I have internet again and I'm back to join the fun!

Anonymous said...

Hee...fantastic Aspiji!

Lin, you aren't alone re: Aamir in Gajini....as Amrita pointed out in her blog, pint-sized incredible hulk just about described him.

Aspi, John's acting range ...um. .....quizzical half-smile, plus minimal clothing do not acting range make!

Bitterlemons

Aspi said...

That cleavage on Aamir does look so forced. But Aamir prides himself on making sure everything serves the script. So I look forward to finding the significance of the muscle exhibits in the movie. Could it somehow be tied to the raaz in the plot? I wonder...

svr, welcome back. Congratulations on the new job. You were going to tell me about your thesis after you finished, no?

Mind Rush said...

From the desk of Kind Gush
To Mr. Gossipy's Rift

Sir, this was LOL! You are my favorite blogger. The name "Karen" was a stroke of genius!!

BTW, I have heard that Karen Jo is pretty tight with AmiTeraBaap Bachchan and son FlabbyShake Bachchan. Can we tap them for comments too?

joules said...

Love John Abraham. He comes across as a very humble person in all his interviews although I just love his physique and the way he wears his jeans :)

Aamir is actually looking better in Ghajini than he looked in Fanaa. I hated his puffy look in Fanaa. If anyone needed some work done on his face it was Aamir.

I am always impressed with muscular looks though.

*~mad munky~* said...

one thing that always puzzled me about karan's show was why he was sat so far away from the guests - they were practically in different countries :o\

Mind Rush said...

As a responsible analyst, I have to comment on Karen's show.

Karen Jo had problems with excessive food intake in childhood. Now the show revolves around a bitter-sweet food and sharp barbs coated in love. What a mix of food, love and hate!

Karen, discuss with your therapist, please!

svr said...

Aspi, re: thesis, totally. By e-mail perhaps, (along with that question for Mahalaxmi) or my identity will be outed :) I'm still finishing (or procrastinating on finishing) the final draft -- sigh.

Loved the Darkwati post too -- totally hilarious look at a phenomenon I absolutely hate in India. Can't count the number of times a well-meaning relative has suggested F&L to me, wanting me to get to the Vidya-Balan grade. ugh.

The guys get off too easy though! How about a similar post for the actors, based on height? Tallwala?

Aspi said...

Joules, how about Suneil Shetty? You like him too? I thought he had great comic timing.

svr, we'll have to do a post on that. But what is it that could potentially kill an actor? It might be height. But its something else too - we'll have to find it.

~mm~ that distance used to get accentuated that sweeping camera shot no?

What do people think of Asin in the Ghajini promos? I heard Aamir wasn't super happy with her in the movie.

musical said...

Joules: exactly my thoughts regarding Aamir's puffy problems :). But don't know what to make of his cleavage!!

Aspi, Suneil Shetty indeed does a great job in comedic roles. He's funny as hell when he plays a"Dayashankar" or "Shyam" :). As for Asin, i read somewhere that Aamir chose her for this role, because he was mighty impressed with her in the Tamil original.Haven't seen the trailer, but do you think she'll have much scope in an Aamir movie?

I liked KJo's interview with Rakhi. It was very candid. And that reminds me, i was at this Indian restaurant on Friday and they had a desi channel on (EQ?). Rakhi Sawant was being interviewed and the running title: "Rakhi's first English interview"!! I wonder why they chose to make such a big deal out of it.....Anyone else thinks this is crazy?

Aspi said...

I haven't seen Ghajini but I have seen Memento. The female lead in it was Carrie Anne Moss and she had an excellent role in it. But the lead actor's wife had 0 lines and a five second shot lying down. But hey, Asin will have a song (or two) and some flashback scenes?

j said...

Aspi, how about hair. Seems like lack of hair pretty much kills a bollywood actors chances (Akshaye Khanna and the endless stories of hair transplant). You kind of did a similar post recently, was it comparing the Khan's and thier hairstyles?

Somehow never liked Sunil Shetty. I guess I picked Akshay Kumar in that battle.

While typing this I am watching an old rerun of Nach Baliye. Is it just me or do others find Mallaika having a huge overbite.

Aspi said...

joules, great idea. I shall work on devising hair coverage rating. We'll call it Taal se Taal Mila.

Deepa said...

Musical: I didn't know that fact about Aamir choosing Asin for the role. I have seen the Tamil version and I thought she did a very average job and was actually surprised when I found out she's doing the Hindi version as well. I mean considering Aamir's a perfectionist, I would have thought he would have chosen someone else. But then ..... It'll be interesting to see what the final product looks like..

I haven't seen any of the promos.. You Tube - here I come..

musical said...

I heard that Jiah Khan plays the role that Nayantara played in the Tamil version of Ghajini. I haven't seen Nishabd, how is she as an actress? Memento was a really nice movie!! Has anyone seen Ghajini (Tamil), how does the story compare with Memento?

And on "Taal se Taal mila", i am so looking forward to it ;). The spectrum is huge, from Anil Kapoor to Akshaye Khanna (who despite his hair line, is immensely likeable sometimes).

Deepa said...

Musical - I've seen both movies and Memento is by far miles ahead of the Tamil version as one would expect. The problem is that although the premise is the same, the Tamil version has lots of inaccuracies. The lack of attention to detail totally messes with the final product. On the acting front, Surya is fantastic, but neither Asin nor Nayantara impressed me.

With memento, I came out thinking Wow!! that was some movie.. With the Tamil version, ofcourse I was constantly comparing it with Memento and the little inaccuracies/lack of attention to detail didn't help matters.. It will be interesting to see if the Hindi version is any better..

Drift Memsaab said...

Drift saab will blush and deny but a funny thing happened a couple of days ago...

We were in a restaurant and a guy came up to talk with Aspi because he recongized Aspi as the author of Drift!

Move over Michelle O. I need bodyguards too :-)

Lin said...

"..um. .....quizzical half-smile, plus minimal clothing do not acting range make!"

What bothers me even more is that little open/hanging mouth he always does. I don't know if that's the right way to describe it.

But it is so freaking annoying. Look at the Chori Chori some for example, or hell almost any of his songs. That's it a shot of his face with his mouth making an oval--an incredibly lazy oval.

I like Akshay. Despite everything, I have a soft spot. I wish he would get/pick better movies/roles.

musical said...

Deepa: Thanks :). Memento was a fairly accurate depiction of short term memory loss.

Memsaab: Aspiji to officially celebrity ban gaye :). Sweet :).

j said...

wow, Chicago is full of celebrities these days :)

Aspi said...

What I loved about Memento was that by taking us backwards in the story, Chris Nolan essentially united us with the experience of the character. So just as he cannot remember what happened before, we don't know either because the narrative runs backwards. Its a neat trick and it was pulled off so well I think I watched the whole movie with my mouth open like Akshay Khanna's.

m said...

i heard the bollywood version won't be told in reverse chronological order because average desi movie fans would get too confussssssssed.. and it will probably be candy floss-ized as well with some corny ending

Aamir Khan wrote in his blog that he didn't like Christopher Nolan's story telling and he said the ending confused him

gosh that pint sized dude seems to critisize everyone and everything.. so full of himself.. and he himself does crap movies like fanah, mangal pandey and makes overrated manupulative crapfest TZP

Anonymous said...

If this is not a dumb question - what does "ghajini" mean? Is it a Tamil translation of "memento" or a female character's name? It doesn't mean anything in Hindi.

Malz said...

Wow Aspi...this post is really hilarious...u r jus toooooo good :)
been stopping by n reading ur posts in between changing jobs..infact quitting my job n starting a new biz!

bollywoodjunkie said...

LOL!!! aspi! luvd this!


yeah man i dont understand y dis guy is hogging all the credit whn actually the poor director deserves to get sum of it


aspi r u goin to review ghajni or ghajini (whatever) music. i jus heard it..........dint like it. i dint lik yuvraj either.....but its still better than ghaj. i m an ar fan hope he comes up wid sumthin nice next time

Aspi said...

To be fair Gattu is right. Memento was confusing - but that was the beauty of it. I thought it was pretty straightforward though but Gattu knows more about making hits than any of us.

malz, good luck with the new venture.

bollywoodjunkie, I'm listening to Ghajini now. I have followed ARR's music only in the last 3 years or so and certainly haven't heard much of his South Indian stuff. But I see two ARRs - I'll talk about them when I review the music. Hopefully this week.

girlie girl said...

LMAO Aspiji! IF i may say so, you are a blogging GENIUS!!! I was laughing hysterically at this entry. Poor Karen Jo! I agree with J with the whole John Abraham topic...he just seems like a very humble person (plus a PETA representative) which is why i find him very, very attractive! Plus it helps that he is actually really hot, IMO!

btw, i can't wait till "Taal se taal mila" comes out!

Mrs. Driftji...i would totally come up to Aspi if i saw him somewhere in Chicago!

maxdavinci said...

ah sirjee, For a sec i thot it was the man(debatable) himself!

I assume you saw Dostana and don't seem pleased by it! I just saw it the way i would see 'nandu sabka bandhu' or 'sarkay liyo khatiya' and hence me likey!

with a sociiocultural lens it appears bland and distasteful, wonder if that was the idea initially!

Aspi said...

Arre, not only have I not seen Dostana, but I'm actually quite fond of KJo. I think he has great attention to detail and is quite the prototype of the Bollywood player I'd like to see more often.

One of these days KJo's chamchaa, I mean web administrator, might print this out and leave it on his desk. I hope he won't take it personally.

Kind Gush said...

kya, Karen? Hum ko kyon bhool gaye?
I thought I was your best friend too. I am sulking big time....
Your hurt (angry) friend,
ShallowMan Khan

Aspi said...

gg, thanks!

Kind Gush, terrific. I am going to use that some day you know.

Over Rated said...

This post deserves to be in the Blogger hall of fame!! Hilarious!!

Athena said...

Kudos to author.Hve been a visitor fr quite a long tym.Ths iz the 1st tym m postn a commnt.D post is hilarous.N so r all d others.

invalid said...

LOL LOL LOL
superb fantastic outstanding mindblowing history!!!

review dostana as well. it's a really nice movie. better than kjo's previous movies.

Aspi said...

I'm glad you all liked it.

Athena, welcome!

theBollywoodFan said...

Hi Aspi: Great post. I cannot stand K.Jo., and I would like to think Karen's words are not too distant from Karan's, ROTFL! :)


Thoughts on a comment: It'd be nice to see one of *us* make a movie that has a widespread impact (like TZP) for a change, before we call it overrated :P

Aamir's Ghajini will have a different plot, although as an Aamirian, I'm amused his critics are keeping track. *Obviously*, something about him must seem interesting! =)

Aspi said...

tBF, the Drift memsaab would be proud of you for defending Aamir so passionately.

I think Aamir is on the right track overall - he takes his craft seriously. He's got the right touch of business. And he's taken on old Bollywood and made them come around by speaking their language, i.e. hits.

Within that framework, he'll do some good things. And he'll mess up. Its the law of averages. As long as he brings some order and discipline to the film making process in Bollywood, I'm with him regardless.

m said...

thebollywood fan - WTF? as a movie watcher and as someone who pays CASH to watch movies, I have every right to critique a movie.. I found TZP manipulative, overdramatic, pseudo intelligent, candy flossed piece of shite.. and why the eff would i try to make a movie. I am not a movie maker.. i don't aspire to be... i have a lot to say about state of the world, environment, arts etc, i don't suppress my views because i can't be a "better politician" or " a better musician" or a better effin "businessman".. *rolleyes*

you think its a masterpiece you are entitled to your opinion

Kanan said...

Fun post, Aspi, but I support KJ just cuz we share the initials. Sorry to be discriminating here. I agree with the fact that he is bent out of shape to bring in new type of cinema that won't last too long because unlike Rajshri, his principles are not based on anything solid I feel. He did good job with his earlier movies though.

theBollywoodFan said...

Thanks, Aspi. Of course, I agree with all you've said. It's not like I was a fan of 'Mela', LOL. The framework and filmmaking style he's brought makes me a fan. It should be pretty easy to judge from a neutral fan's perspective, relatively speaking.


Hi 'M': First of all, Let's just agree to disagree on TZP, although I never said it's a masterpiece.

We agree completely on everyone having a right to an opinion. I tend to include all our film stars, including Aamir, in that bucket, and don't hold their criticism of other films against them. Anyone who has seen TZP with the Director's Commentary, or Chale Chalo -- the Lagaan making -- knows Aamir is pretty darn critical of his own work too.

I just think 'respectful' criticism is better and more constructive than criticism that is derogatory. No one has to agree with that. It's my opinion, okay? Come to think of it, no one has to go pay cash for a film starring an actor one doesn't like!

Good cinema is *supposed* to be manipulative! And I think the term 'candy floss' is very appropriate in a discussion that started with K.Jo!

My apologies, Aspi, for the tangent. :)

Pitu said...

AHAHAHHA!!!!!!! Absolutely delish!

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