Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What the stars say: Predicting the future of Bollywood

For long I've read anya jyotish's predict the future of the stars in all kinds of respectable newspapers. I've come away absolutely amazed at the accuracy with which they have been able to predict the future. When their predictions fall flat, I've noted that its always because someone didn't do what they should have (like add an extra R or some such).

Eager to get some first hand knowledge of this amazing science, I decided to interview my very own aunt - none other than TigerMaasi, jyotish to several starlets and a small time politician or two.

Aspi: Hi TigerMaasi, thanks for doing an interview with the Drift.
TigerMaasi: What newspaper is this?

Aspi: Its a blog
TigerMaasi: Whatever! You want to know why you've lost all your hair? Your Saturn has been in a bad mood for years.

Aspi: No, TigerMaasi, I want to hear from you what the future holds for some of your favorite Bollywood stars.
TigerMaasi: Anything for my favorite nephew. Who should we do first?

Aspi: How about Salman Khan?
TigerMaasi: That boy is ruled by the number 9, the fiery Mangal, planet of boundless energy. This makes him impetuous, accident-prone, stubborn and inflexible. He also has a penchant for taking his shirt off!

Aspi: Wow, you can read all this from his kundli?
TigerMaasi: No, I read all this in Filmfare. But I will tell you this: if you add up the names of his hits in the last three years and multiply it by 10 you get 2010. He will turn 45 that year. These powerful numbers indicate he will get married then.

Aspi: To Katrina Kaif?
TigerMaasi: Most likely. If not Katrina, some other girl then.

Aspi: Really. But he'll get married for sure?
TigerMaasi: Well if he announces it. Otherwise it could be a secret wedding somewhere that he won't announce.

Aspi: Uh, isn't that a little too convenient for a prediction?
TigerMaasi: Astrology is all about making lives convenient for people.

Aspi: What about your other favorite Akshay Kumar?
TigerMaasi: Akshay is 42. Add his name to the year 2009 and you get 29. This is very good!

Aspi: Are you using real Math?
TigerMaasi: Be quiet you young whippersnapper. It wasn't long ago that I was changing your diapers.

Aspi: Very well. Will he get over Chandni Chowk to China?
TigerMaasi: Didn't I just say 2009 is a great year for him? Chandni Chowk will be a huge hit.

Aspi: But Chandni Chowk already came out and blew chunks at the box office
TigerMaasi: Akshay's birthday is on September 9. If you add CC2C, you get 9 again. So his next movie will be a hit.

Aspi: I don't understand any of this!
TigerMaasi: That's why YOU are interviewing ME, no? We sent you to vilayat for studies. Nothing you have learn or what?!

Aspi: How about Saif?
TigerMaasi: That gora bachcha is 39, adding to 3, which is Jupiter - planet of wealth. If he acts in a film about fast cars and cash, he'll have a huge hit on his hands.

Aspi: That was Race early last year!
TigerMaasi: Just shows you how good I am! Is it on DVD yet and does Saif take his shirt off?

Aspi: Yes to both
TigerMaasi: Hot dog!

Aspi: What about this year for Saif?
TigerMaasi: Saif will be 40 this year. 4 is his lucky number. So we can expect him to do well this year also.

Aspi: Will he marry Kareena?
TigerMaasi: (snorts) I hope not! What will he hold on to?

Aspi: Will anyone have a bad year? Shahrukh? Ritwick? Aishwarya?
TigerMaasi: SRK will be 44 - which adds up to 8. This represents Shani which always brings SRK bad luck. His health might suffer next year.

Aspi: He smokes a lot so you think he might have issues with that?
TigerMaasi: Or worse. His face may break out into pimples.

Aspi: Aishwarya?
TigerMaasi: Ah, lovely girl. Her name adds to 50 or 5 which is the same as AB Baby's.

Aspi: Shouldn't you use real names for numerology?
TigerMaasi: Wake up and smell the patti chai! Everyone is modernizing - we have started using nicknames. Whatever works! Aish will give a jhakaas performance in Mani Ratnam's Raavana next year.

Aspi: Any predictions for some of the other stars? Sonu Nigam? Himesh Reshammiya? Vishal and Shekhar?
TigerMaasi: Who are these people and what have they got to do with Bollywood? Stop wasting my time. Interview is over. Now do you want me to make your favorite bread pudding or no?


girlie girl said...

hahahah!! Tigermasi sounds awesome! I've liked her ever since she gave you and your cousin Raveena Tandon an ass-kicking (no offense, ofcourse!!)

Maybe ask Tiger masi for prediction on some B,C,D-list bollywood people, they're the ones who could use a little luck, no?!

Although, i have a question for her, will be have to endure another Himesh movie this year? I mean, the economy, the weather is torturous enough, I think...another Himanshu movie could just push us over the edge!!

Aspi said...

Actually I am hoping to that Himesh and Niharika's movie gets released. That might be the first Himesh movie I watch.

Pitu said...

HAHAHAHHA!!!!! Awesome!! BTW Tiger maasi sounds totally fake ok, bet she's just your alter ego :-p More jyotish, more jyotish!

musical said...


I still can't believe that Tigermaasi doesn't know about Himanshu :). He he, please request Tigermaasi to share her thoughts on Aamir babu and his forthcoming MBA "student" avatar ;).

And Aspi, for the Himesh fan you claim to be, how come you didn't watch and review Karzzzz?? :-D.

Tanvi said...

Extremely entertaining! I liked this interview the most! :o) She seems like a person I will, famously, get along with!

Aspi said...

What, no! Tiger maasi is totally real. And she counsels chhota mota stars and politicians.

musical, I am fan of Himesh, composer. I am also a fan of Himesh, tacky entertainer. But his movies are neither.

workhard said...

Nice interview, keep it going

Work from home

musical said...

Based on the Karzzzzzz promos, i thought the movie qualified for the "tacky" tag, not so sure about entertainer though ;).

Mind Rush said...

TigerMasi and MindRush should team upto make internal and external predictions. Wah wah!

Anonymous said...

Tigermasi is right about the Saturn being in bad mood for years.., she nailed that one for you Aspi.
So Aspi what are tigermaasi's prediction on abhijeet, the Bachan, delhi 6 hit or miss?
Aur ya tigermasi kun sa village sa hai..Daboi?

Anonymous said...

And also Aspi you have to tell your tigermaasi she is right about SKR. I have a Polish friend who tells me even girls from Columbia are his fans..you can imagine his next movie will be.

Aspi said...

SRK's movies are already full of Polish (and other East European) women. Haven't you seen any of the songs of Billoo Barber?

musical said...

No, no, not Billu Barber, it's Billu, just Billu :).

Anonymous said...

Sir agar Polish girl was interested it was understandable, but a Colombian girl is a fan, means salsa will be on SRK next.

Aspi said...

Turns out most of the people who are SRK fans are barbers. Because they objected to the name and SRK changed it to accommodate them.

However Billu, Just Billu is a terrible name for a movie.

Teddy said...

My friend has a cat called Billu. Billu is most offended at this defamation of his name, and plans to take out a Morcha to SRK's residence immediately...well, right after his nap, and if he doesn't get side-tracked by the pomfrets in the Macchiwali's basket.

Aspi said...

Man, that Billu thing is totally worth its own post! I remember those Slumdog defamation satires that proliferated the internet right after someone slum dude sued Danny Boyle.

Pitu said...

This Bollywood film producer used to be my family friend- I don't even remember his name- Inder something. So anyway that Inder uncle had once produced a pikture called Billu Baadshah. Anyone heard of it/ seen it?

Aspi said...

Are you kidding me? WHo hasn't heard of Billu Baadshah?! Its a cinematic work of art. Pitu, I had no idea you were filmi royalty.

I love that movie - great songs. And I don't think anyone has ever captured the beauty of sarson ke khet quite like that film.

workhard said...

Hey Teddy, i wish billu all the best in his endeavor

Work from home

Anonymous said...

ek to beauty of sarson ke khet ko kuch mat khana, hamara gaou hai..
And, secondly, I think billu is a great name, atleast ajkal SRK ko bulana assan hoja, "billu bhai, jeera edhar aana".
But,I agree Billu needs a cover page of his own.

musical said...

Aspi, even A. R. Rahman and Anil Kapoor have been sued for working in Slumdog Millionaire!!

The burning question everywhere seems to be: OMG, our feelings have been hurt, who should we sue!!

Pitu said...

Eww, really? o.O Now I must ask my mom wot other films he made. He was so funny, rather Rommy Rollyji like. All Jhulelal stuff all the time lol.

Anonymous said...

pretty soon the lawyers bill board will read:
'barber ho ka slumdog ho, abb to ha millionaire'contact 1-800-lawyer .

Anonymous said...

no comments on "love mera hit hit..." now is that quite a song, if anyone has seen it

Billu said...

Bhai, I am original Billu. I gave SRK song for movie with name of myself. He rejected, then copied, now regretfully. I present song to this fine blog. Later I will sue the Red Chili and SRK.

Love mera hitva hitva
Pyaar mera dikhya dikhya
Le ke aaya khatiya khatiya
Pasina tera chhutia chhutia
(Chorus) Paani mila ke!
Hitva Hitva
Love mera
Hitva Hitva

Superhit song hai jee

Pritam said...

I couldn't have copied this because I never get haircuts. So chance hi nahi hai.

I'm just saying.

N Shridhar said...

Pritamda, you know why you make me sing all your songs. Because I compose half of them. Even this song I have composed for you. You are getting all the credit.

Pritam said...

N Shridhar, didn't you get a haircut recently?

Billu said...

Jee, there was a Shridhar who came into my shop recently! He asked me for a tapeli cut and told me to sing any songs I might know. He said "Woh bhaalu phir se maang raha hai songs. Saala khud to kuchh nahi karta". I sang my superhit Hitva song.

Shridhar said...

Shop?! Aiyo Billu. You mean that chabootra behind the sandhaas?

Asif Z said...

Greetings my fellow brothers and sisters. Aspi, is Tigermasi single?

I am just asking to see if I should add one more f to my name these days. After all, we just made a big admission yesterday and I've received 50 local death threats already. And none of them are from women this time.

Anonymous said...

I have to say blog ho to aasa, all of you writers are great, Pitu, billu, Pritam, N shridhar, aap sab ki jodi ha mashallah!!

srk said...

H-h-hey hey, h-h-hmm hmm, hopefully all of you liked my movie. I am very pleased with the response so I know all of you loved it. Its so nice to know people all across the world are going to see it. Its insane!

Asif Z, I promise if you take a special someone to see this movie with you, you won't have to hang out at this blog anymore.


Anonymous said...

SRKji bacha ka rahana, pahala tu Saturn aur Tigermaasi aap ko khoj raha thaa, aab barber bhi usstra laa kaar khadaa hai...
But, I am going to enjoy the movie Billu today, with all my barbers!Hopefully, I will have some hair left by the end of the movie.

Billu said...

Jai Matadi. Hair Hair Mahadev!

Cinderella said...

Irfan was way better than SRk,all through the movie.he beats SRK and by a huge margin!i enjoyed all his cliche dances and dialouges nonetheless:)

Lara Dutta with her super model ka body language was the only misfit.

Anonymous said...

Billu Barber movie tu hathoda hai.. but the dances are good. Karishma and SRK look like they are in the Istanbul bazaar, baas ek burakha ke kaami hai.

Anonymous said...

btw, looking for lyrics fro Slumdog Millionaire. Anyone know where I can find them?

Aspi said...

Anon, just google 'slumdog lyrics'

Pitu said...

Cinderella: I haven't seen the movie yet but when I saw the promos I rly thought Lara was miscast. She is soooo urbane/sophisticated!

Anonymous said...
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