For long I've read anya jyotish's predict the future of the stars in all kinds of respectable newspapers. I've come away absolutely amazed at the accuracy with which they have been able to predict the future. When their predictions fall flat, I've noted that its always because someone didn't do what they should have (like add an extra R or some such).
Eager to get some first hand knowledge of this amazing science, I decided to interview my very own aunt - none other than TigerMaasi, jyotish to several starlets and a small time politician or two.
Aspi: Hi TigerMaasi, thanks for doing an interview with the Drift.
TigerMaasi: What newspaper is this?
Aspi: Its a blog
TigerMaasi: Whatever! You want to know why you've lost all your hair? Your Saturn has been in a bad mood for years.
Aspi: No, TigerMaasi, I want to hear from you what the future holds for some of your favorite Bollywood stars.
TigerMaasi: Anything for my favorite nephew. Who should we do first?
Aspi: How about Salman Khan?
TigerMaasi: That boy is ruled by the number 9, the fiery Mangal, planet of boundless energy. This makes him impetuous, accident-prone, stubborn and inflexible. He also has a penchant for taking his shirt off!
Aspi: Wow, you can read all this from his kundli?
TigerMaasi: No, I read all this in Filmfare. But I will tell you this: if you add up the names of his hits in the last three years and multiply it by 10 you get 2010. He will turn 45 that year. These powerful numbers indicate he will get married then.
Aspi: To Katrina Kaif?
TigerMaasi: Most likely. If not Katrina, some other girl then.
Aspi: Really. But he'll get married for sure?
TigerMaasi: Well if he announces it. Otherwise it could be a secret wedding somewhere that he won't announce.
Aspi: Uh, isn't that a little too convenient for a prediction?
TigerMaasi: Astrology is all about making lives convenient for people.
Aspi: What about your other favorite Akshay Kumar?
TigerMaasi: Akshay is 42. Add his name to the year 2009 and you get 29. This is very good!
Aspi: Are you using real Math?
TigerMaasi: Be quiet you young whippersnapper. It wasn't long ago that I was changing your diapers.
Aspi: Very well. Will he get over Chandni Chowk to China?
TigerMaasi: Didn't I just say 2009 is a great year for him? Chandni Chowk will be a huge hit.
Aspi: But Chandni Chowk already came out and blew chunks at the box office
TigerMaasi: Akshay's birthday is on September 9. If you add CC2C, you get 9 again. So his next movie will be a hit.
Aspi: I don't understand any of this!
TigerMaasi: That's why YOU are interviewing ME, no? We sent you to vilayat for studies. Nothing you have learn or what?!
Aspi: How about Saif?
TigerMaasi: That gora bachcha is 39, adding to 3, which is Jupiter - planet of wealth. If he acts in a film about fast cars and cash, he'll have a huge hit on his hands.
Aspi: That was Race early last year!
TigerMaasi: Just shows you how good I am! Is it on DVD yet and does Saif take his shirt off?
Aspi: Yes to both
TigerMaasi: Hot dog!
Aspi: What about this year for Saif?
TigerMaasi: Saif will be 40 this year. 4 is his lucky number. So we can expect him to do well this year also.
Aspi: Will he marry Kareena?
TigerMaasi: (snorts) I hope not! What will he hold on to?
Aspi: Will anyone have a bad year? Shahrukh? Ritwick? Aishwarya?
TigerMaasi: SRK will be 44 - which adds up to 8. This represents Shani which always brings SRK bad luck. His health might suffer next year.
Aspi: He smokes a lot so you think he might have issues with that?
TigerMaasi: Or worse. His face may break out into pimples.
TigerMaasi: Ah, lovely girl. Her name adds to 50 or 5 which is the same as AB Baby's.
Aspi: Shouldn't you use real names for numerology?
TigerMaasi: Wake up and smell the patti chai! Everyone is modernizing - we have started using nicknames. Whatever works! Aish will give a jhakaas performance in Mani Ratnam's Raavana next year.
Aspi: Any predictions for some of the other stars? Sonu Nigam? Himesh Reshammiya? Vishal and Shekhar?
TigerMaasi: Who are these people and what have they got to do with Bollywood? Stop wasting my time. Interview is over. Now do you want me to make your favorite bread pudding or no?