Hello, hello, hello! I am Sullen Khan, Bollywood macho he-man superstar. I am the son of the famous writer Sell'em Khan . My brothers are Bollywood actors: surely you've heard of Afarce and Travail, although they only seem funny when they are together. That happened once. And yes, I'll admit it - I have anger management issues.
I have a girlfriend who is the hottest chick in Indian films today - roop ki rani Ballerina Waif, or as I call her pyaar se - Ball. But I still get bent out of shape whenever my ex gets mentioned.
Why just the other day Sawan Kumar Takla stopped by. I asked him: "How are you Takla Sir?"
He said: "Bas, Aish hai!"
I beat him up black and blue. I was so mad that he took my exe's name that I even forgot to take off my shirt before commencing the pitaai.
This is how it is with me. I am extremely passionate. People say I'm a dunderhead. Actually I am an intense person with many interests. For example, I am quite good at painting. Asian Paints is my favorite. Did you know that I love watching Hollywood classics? Ok, I'll admit I only watch the steamier ones - but still I watch the classics. Just the other day I saw the famous movie Shaving Ryan's Privates. Woo hoo, it was hot!
Its just that I'm so intelligent that I'm often misunderstood.
Let's start with my relationship with Ball. Its such a good one, I've decided to stick with it. But Ball refuses to understand me. Just the other day, she walked into the study - or as I like to call it: the daroo ka adda.
I knew from her expression she was in the mood to "talk".
"Sullen" she said "We need to talk!" What did I tell you?
I replied: "What do you call a ball that surprises you every time? ...Fast ball!"
Ball didn't even crack a smile. "I love you Sullen" she said "But we can't go on like this!"
Again, I tried: "What do you call a ball that looks like Sullen's girl? ...Adoraball!"
Ball rolled her eyes: "Sullen! You have got to stop being a joker all the time! When will you get serious about us!!"
My last attempt was a little loud: "What do you call a ball WHO won't let HER MAN be HIMSELF? ...BALL AND CHAIN!"
Ball stormed out of the room.
You see? Even my mashooka doesn't get me.
A few months ago that tool Starlook got into a huge fight with me. This was on Ball's birthday. Sure I was a little sloshed (it was after 4pm for God's sake) and I was saying something bhulla bura about Starlook's flop TV show. But still he shouldn't have mentioned my ex. I lost it - I had to defend HER honor. Yet what did people say? Sullen is behaving badly again.
Thankfully there are some bright spots in my life: my television show Bas Khatam was a huge hit! Why Webster India has announced that they will enter my pronunciation of the word "prashna" in the dictionary as a completely new word. I'm making waves even in academia!
Then Baal Tackyhai praised me for a being a model Indian Muslim.
Now yes, some of my films flopped. Particularly that God Tussi Fake Ho. But why are people blaming ME for it? Let me ask you this: who played the title character in the film? Abitter Bachchan, no? Then why blame me for it?? The film flopped because of his thanda performance. You could blame the copied plot, the bad script, the unfunny jokes. But did that stop Partner from minting money? No! So the problem has to be Abitter.
Then there was that Flopraaj disaster. This one also I'm not to blame for. I mean, this was a Rehash Ghai movie that I had to do because Ball wanted to work with the man. Paagal ladki. We all know Rehash hasn't had a hit since Defect Oberoi got laid by a decent chick.
Chal chhod yaar, kya farak painda hai? Dogs will bark and the lion will yawn. But when the lion roars all the monkeys will run for cover. Did I mention I also write jhakaas dialogs.
No? Well yes I do.
Stick around, I'm full of surprises.
Idea for title from the fascinatingly addictive fmylife.com