Friday, July 17, 2009

Interpreting the most popular bogus statements in Bollywood

Every Bollywood release - be it music, movies or awards shows - is accompanied by an elaborate press junket. In these press meet and greets, a number of inane questions are asked. The poorly prepared stars provide equally inane answers. The really smart stars try for a bit to give well thought out answers, realize its all futile and go back to the inane posturing.

A number of standard questions even have their standard answers. And these have all become such clichés, that the standard answers even have standard hidden meanings!

It's about time someone documented the interpretations behind the most popular bogus statements in Bollywood. Think of it as a guide to help you understand what someone might really be saying.

Cliché: Thank you, I look young because of my strict diet regimen and daily yoga routine!
The real McCoy: That Botox treatment worked out really well didn't it?

Cliché: I don't mind showing skin, but only if it is NOT cheap and vulgar!
The real McCoy: Or if opportunity is involved. Then even Rajesh Khanna pouncing on me is acceptable.

Cliché: I don't mind kissing on screen, but only if its required by the script!
The real McCoy: Yes, my last ten on-screen kisses were right there in the script and said "Required"

Cliché: I compete only with myself!
The real McCoy: Otherwise I'd be losing out all the time

Cliché: I have no problems working with Shahrukh Khan!
The real McCoy: But my boyfriend does

Cliché: Even though my role is small, its a really important one!
The real McCoy: Who am I kidding?! The only small, important roles in Bollywood are played by bikinis.

Cliché: [Insert name here] is a very organized director!
The real McCoy: He expected me to show up on the sets ON TIME!

Cliché: [Insert name here] and I are like sisters!
The real McCoy: We now have open cat fights like sisters instead of stabbing each other in the back like acquantainces

Cliché: I am taking a break!
The real McCoy: No one has offered me a film in the last six months

Cliché: I am so excited to be working in Tamil films for a change!
The real McCoy: Well, its better than taking a break, no?

Cliché: I am playing a very different role in this film - that of a stuntman!
The real McCoy: Although its a stunt man who chases skirts and does pretty much the same things I did as a club owner in my previous hit

Cliché: My movie is a full-on entertainer, but with a hatke theme
The real McCoy: Right, I play a lawyer instead of a college student - hatke no?

Cliché: My performance has been appreciated by a lot of people!
The real McCoy: I am so grateful to my family members, my close friends and my chamchaas for appreciating that stinker

Cliché: What's Aspi's Drift? Is that a new flavor of ice cream?
The real McCoy: Man, I hope he doesn't watch my new TV show and write about it. I've been checking  every week until the season is over!

11 comments:

Ritu said...

What about: We've only held hands and never kissed before

Really means: We might be pushing 30 but we're still scared of our parents

Anonymous said...

You started something good here Aspi, one more to the list:
Cliche: It is a family entertainer!
The real McCoy:Time-waste of 4 or more in 1 sitting.

Sorry don't know to make umlaut on e.

Srini said...

heheh - sounds like akshay kumar is a walking cliche since he uses a lot of these

megan said...

hi aspi and the gang
i had a dream about the blog last week and was gonna come here and type all about it but somehow got distracted and couldn't and now i dont remember anything from it.. it was rly random and weird and crazy.. i remember waking up and thinking WTF

and the Canadian dude in Rakhi ka swambhar reminds me of you aspi, dont know why...

Aspi said...

Yoo megan.

WTF!? I need to watch that show ASAP. I need to know who my online identity matches up with. Youtube perhaps?

Anonymous said...

I like the part of "Aspi and the gang", like drift gang, did you know Aspi you could start something like this???

Aspi said...

I don't have the type of hair needed to be in a gang. Otherwise it could have worked.

m said...

here's the youtube links

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvJvK3JyjWI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPIJTfq2gkU

Anonymous said...

its a modern age gang, no hair no fuss, all cooooooooollll !

Aspi said...

m, you are right! He's exactly like me only more brilliant! I need to watch this show. I hope you get to vote because I'm voting for me.

m said...

you don't get to vote cuz like rakhi chooses her patis

she acts all shy and demure and glarelu.. it was super funny at start so i downloaded a few episodes to watch..then my mom gets all addicted and now i have to download every episode and she watches them all, of course she can't hook up my macbook with the TV so i have to watch with her

some of my fave quotes by her

in one episode she gets all emotional and says "maine toh god se sirf ek pati maga tha but god nai mushe itne saare pati diye.."

in one elimination episode
"if it were up to me main sab se shaadi karti lekin rules are rules, kisi ko toh eliminate karna parega" or somethng to that affect in her hindi..

she tries to speak english every now and again, her pronunciations are so funny..