Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Kambakkht Ishq: Its all about men!

There are two things about Kambakkht Ishq that you need to know.

First, avoid taking your kids to this movie. Not because of the sex and violence - both of which are quite comical and nothing that would make Disney channel regulars bat an eyelid. But because most of us have spent so much time teaching our kids about gender equality. Why turn the clock back and do untold damage to those young minds? So, avoid for kids.

Kambakkht Ishq is all about men. Don't believe me? Listen to this.

Actor: Akshay Kumar
Role: MAN slut

Akshay Kumar in a reprise of his role in Heyy Babyy - is a man slut. He sleeps around constantly. He hits on almost anyone in a skirt - unless that skirt happens to be worn by a big, black woman. He pretty much hates the opposite sex - using them as self serving objects to power his machismo. Early on in the movie, he is confronted by two girlfriends. From the sidelines Brandon Routh wonders "how will he get out of this one?". Akki's chamchaa answers "Practice!"

Akshay strikes up a near murderous relationship with Kareena but at a crucial moment has a change of heart. This change of heart is brought on by Kareena snuggling up to him in a little girl voice and seeking assurance that he is not 'like other men'. Yes, scores of other women dumped by Akshay couldn't figure out that all you had to do to tame the man was to act underage.

Actor: Kareena Kapoor
Role: MAN hater

Kareena hates men - ostensibly because of the divorces of her mum and sister, for whom she blames the men. She is a surgeon in making, paying for her med school by modelling on the side. At one point she slices and dices Akshay Kumar's lower intestines. This scene was much fun to watch although it could have been better if Akshay's lines - which were meant to be jokes - had been cut.

But with two major careers at hand, Kareena's taming and subsequent happiness requires a man. A truly worthy one at that. Who could that be? You guessed it! Man Slut!

Actor: Amrita Arora
Role: MANtally challenged

Amrita doesn't know much about men - although the same could be said about her in other areas of life. She takes advice from Kareena and withholds sex from her new husband. Later, when she discovers her husband with his pants down at a major makeout club, she inexplicably tapes almost all the objects in her house with blue plumber's tape. Don't ask!

Actor: Denise Richards
Role: Maneater

Denise Richards - the "mega" Hollywood star in this movie - plays a couger. And I say this only because she looks more trashed out than Akki himself. She strikes up a relationship with Man slut and goes shopping with him - which has since resulted in real life admiration. But because she spends most of her time sleeping with Akki - which as anyone will tell you is terribly inappropriate behavior for women - she has to dumped. At the altar, no less.

Kareena and Akki both spend some time making kachra of her in the movie. This, I admit, was fun to watch.

Actor: Sylvestor Stallone
Role: Man mower

Stallone's face in this movie looks like its been constructed from billowy cotton balls. He hands an award to Akki for Stuntman of the year - prompting a hysterical 'small town boy makes good' speech from Akshay. Later he beats up a bunch of really bad goondas who just happen to be all black men. First he pins them to a wall by pushing a car against them with his bare hands. Then he rips out a parking meter and swings it around. This earns him the undying gratitude of Kareena and Amrita.

Actor: Kiron Kher
Role: Man search engine

Kiron plays Kareena's aunt - who like any good aunt - is constantly trying to get Kareena hitched. At a crucial juncture Kiron reveals that Kareena's parents' broken relationship was her mum's fault. After some delicious overacting, Kiron delivers this bit of information out of the blue and in a trembling dialog. This, I also admit, was much fun to watch and elicited many chuckles from me.

Which brings me to the second thing you need to know. There are only two ways to really sit through this movie: consume lots of alcohol beforehand or have a friend chain you to the seat.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Love it Aspi, great laughs :o)))Best part people sitting in the theaters with chains on them...
I thought this was supposed to be a copy of Ghost of girlfriend's past. If you have seen it, love Matthew McConaughey and Michael Douglas.

meena said...

lookout..new cool words entering bollywood pop culture - bitch and dog. ..used as conversation fillers in every scene :)
..also chaatas are being replaced with a forced kiss..I wonder if next Johnny Lever will get this treatment :0

memsaab said...

Ugh. Nothing I've read yet has convinced me I should see this! And from what you say, it would only enrage me anyway.

Anonymous said...

I guess Aspi, should have posted the warning for all ages, "everyone avoid going to this movie" not just kids.

purink said...

Right on Aspi. Hilarious writ up but on the money. Had to accompany a couple of teenagers who actually liked it !! Since when have women started calling Dog ! ??/

Aspi said...

I would like to let everyone know that the champagne has started flowing because KI has been declared a hit.

Denise Richards and Stallone have managed to maintain their record of one hit in each decade since they started acting. I'm also sure Brandon Routh is not going to feel so bad now about being kicked out of Superman 2.

Anonymous said...

I guess the champagne, must be flowing because that's what's keeping the crowds in the seats, else they would leave!
On a completely different note, Aspi did you change you profile pic here?

maxdavinci said...

no worries transformers is a hit as well.

In the desh however since there havent been any films for a while, ppl will flock to see anything.

I's sure with rakhi ka swayamvar going on even a rerun of buddha mar gaya will open to packed houses!

Priya said...

Aspi: my review

I am writing that rare “bad movie” review. It is rare because I see so many bad movies and usually they don’t get me going. But oh boy, was this one bad.

Kambakht Ishq was all kambakht with no ishq. All I could feel was the hate and nastiness. Hate for women and hate for other races. I would probably have been outraged had it come out in any other era, but the fact that it came post Chak de India and, to some extent, post Jab we met, really drove me up the wall.

Suffices to say this – I have now decided to boycott my once favored Akshay Kumar. While I was willing to forgive his numerous silly sexist comedies (Garam Masala, Hey Baby come to mind), for some reason this just took me over the edge. I have finally had enough.

The most offensive images included farting in women’s faces, running them down with carts, showing them as being really incompetent and dimwitted, and then needing a man to fulfil their dreams. But what took the cake was the sight of a black woman probing Akshay Kumar for drugs. That scene, an attempt at humor, was likely one of the most appalling scenes I have seen in a while. I have frequently railed against Bollywood’s penchant for fair skin, but showing “hot” white women and contrasting them with a “rakshasi” was really the worst display of racism I have seen in a while. It harkens back to the era of blackface in American movies, and is even more offensive since it comes from a country which has suffered discrimination all along the way and has no business projecting these heinous images. Where is the affection for the brown skin.

I am so sorry I wasted my precious time on this movie. And even sorrier that it’s about to become a hit. It really commits the most serious of felonies in my book – projecting racism and sexism of the worst kind as “comedy.”

No one’s laughing here.

Aspi said...

Well said, Priya!

Meanwhile, Akshay's all upset that people don't like his movie.
http://www.screenindia.com/news/Superstar-Akshay-Kumar-is-thrilled-amp-upset/486044/

Joules said...

I have started reviewing some of the pre release chatter on a movie to figure out which movies are bad. If there is no storyline in the movie you get chatter like:

1) Amir's hair style or facial hair
2) Six pack abs.
3) Designer clothes
4) Hollywood stunt
5) Hollywood actors
6) What pranks they played on the sets.
7) Kareena trying to say how young she is by pointing out that she was 9 yrs old when she met the actor at a movie shooting for her sister.
8) Any movie with Amrita Arora in it.
9) Any movie where the actress can only define her role as an innocent girl or a modern girl with traditional values.

Contrast that with the interviews you are seeing on Kaminey (Bharadwaj's next) and you will see what I mean.

Priya said...

really Aspi - I used to think the guy was cute and somewhat smart, but turns out to be an A grade idiot.

and to think his kids watched this "family entertainer" with their papa! ugh.

they're only ready to burn down theaters for two women having sex in fire. not for this filth.


And thank god for Kaminey! I am superexcited by the soundtrack. :)

Anonymous said...

Hold off on declaring the godawful KI a hit movie. The press and producers are misleading the public to create excitement.

According to the trades, KI is a very expensive movie (50-60 cr) and it has only made about 24 cr over the weekend. Then it started falling (62% drop) on Monday. So it may not make hit status after a good opening unless it sustains.

I'm praying it fails to discourage more of such movies and to give Akshay and Kareena a wake up call.

Aspi said...

Anon I did change my profile pic.

Joules, you might be on to something. Unfortunately most movies open with chatter in Bollywood :(

Box office Anon, what's your source - would love to see a single source for BO collections in Bollywood.

Anonymous said...

Whats with Ashutosh and Awards function?I read about what he said regarding Piggy chops bagging the best actress award at IIFA.hmmmm didn't find it on Youtube.May be they decided to edit the part.

Then,Why did he cast her in 'What your Rasee?'I am lost.

It's still hilarious,though.Did he actually say that Aish is natural....lol Like she wears no make-up or she's naturally annoying,which one?

And the best actress of the decade award goes to Aish and not Rani?!!Not a fan of Rani but she's a better actress,anyday.

If only Kajol decided to stay.sigh.

Aspi,you need to see Ritesh doing a Sharukh,it's too funny.

Aspi said...

Anon, yes it did happen. But by that time Ashu was already working with Priyanka on Rashee - so it was all the more confounding. (Principal shooting on Rashee just wrapped a few days ago.)

Ritesh, eh? Where can I see his SRK?

meena said...

aspi, did you catch IIFA awards yesterday? I was wondering why they waited so long to telecast it..youll know when you watch..they edited the bejeesus out of it. conveniently cut out ashutosh's comments :) ritesh does a shahrukh in there...
it was one long abhiwarya love fest. dont miss Hrithik's singing (surprisingly good)

meena said...

..also in the best WWE fashion everything rigged and setup for planned surprises :0

Aspi said...

I must get the memsaab to record it so I can watch when I come back. Thanks for the heads up! I can never seem to figure out when these things will be on.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwF02wpLSJ4&feature=related

Aspi,the part with 'Best Film' Nominations is here.It's good.

Hrithik's singing,yeah that was a surprise.

Anonymous said...

And Boman does an Anil.ho ho ha hahaha

Antara said...

Hello,
This is Antara, from California. I publish an online interactive magazine. B'Khush (www.bkhush.com)

I enjoyed reading your posts. It'll be a pleasure for the readers of B'Khush, if you would kindly agree to share your posts with the entertainment section of B'Khush

Will be looking forward, to hearing from you...:-)

My email id : antara@bkhush.com

Regards,
Antara

Anonymous said...

uhooooo Aspiji gaining popularity!! well maybe it is KI that will put Aspi's name on the map, yeah some good comes out of all the bad!

Pitu said...

HAHAHA! Horrendous movie but funny review. Also, you forgot the woman on Valium- Kahkashan. Why was she soooooo sleepy in the movie??!

Aspi said...

The question is: should I write for bkhush or not? I hardly have time for my own blog these days :(

Pitu, you should profile that chic - too often we all only talk about the big celebs and their lives.

Antara said...

Hey Aspi,

This is Antara again.( from B'Khush). I understand that it might be difficult for you to write for B'Khush seperately, but I'll be more than happy if you could just agree to share some of your already published blogs (cross post?)with B'Khush...:-)

Keeping my fingers crossed...
Will be looking forward to hearing from you...:-)
Regards,
Antara

Aspi said...

Antara, thanks for the interest - I really appreciate it. Cross-posting is not a good idea. I'll send you an email and explain why.