Sunday, December 06, 2009

How to deal with Tiger's Wood by guest blogger Sqeamish Reshammiya

Namaste, Salaam aley kum, Marhaba, Hujambo, Konichiwa and wasup, my fans all over the world! You must be thinking: what is Squeamish doing on this phaltu blog? Well, no true fan of mine is too little important for me. After all, six crore paychecks are built Rs 100 ticket at a time.

Now when I was invited to write for this blog I was very sad about how one of my favorite athletes was being made badnaam. Yes, Tiger Woods is a true Sher Khan - he is a player on and off the field. So I want to give him advice. This is great promo for my movie Radio where I play a DJ who gives everyone advice.

What advice can I give him, right? We are so not similar, right? Wrong! We are very similar!

We have both been blessed with talent by God! I have composed no less than 300 super hit songs and Tiger Woods has won hundreds of tournaments. He is a true superstar like me. Women throw themselves at our feet. See, physically our situation is similar also. I am handsome but don't have a body-shody. Tiger has a kadak body, but the man is ugly. After all, women really come to us because of our world fame only.

Besides I have watched my brother Sullen Khan do this so many times I have learnt from the best. (Ballerina bhaabhi maafi, Sullenbhai has improved a lot after he met you). So here is my advice to Tigerbhai. It is short, sweet and simple.

You are screwed. Know it but admit nothing. That is correct mere dost - don't ever admit you messed around with all those women. If you do, it'll hound forever. Your sponsors will drop you. It is ALL ABOUT EMOTION, you see. Worse, you'll have to stop line maroing every chick you see in a bar!

Create an alias when calling women. When you use mobile, don't say "Hello this is Tiger...phalaan dhiknaa". What ghadhaa does that?! Instead use an alias from a completely different sport like say cricket. Yes, call yourself FirstSlip! Then your message to your mashooka will be "This is FirstSlip, turn off your caller id so my wife won't know you are calling!" Now you tell me, can she sell THAT voice mail to US Weekly?

Save your mashooka's number in your mobile. Yes, I know it sounds crazy but do it! Nothing makes the wife more suspicious than seeing an unknown number - especially one you answered! So save the number and give it a name: like "Charlie Sheen"! No, wait bad idea. How about "Shakti Kapoor"! $%&*! sorry, the brain isn't working much right now. Well, name her after the street she grew up and the name of her first pet. That always works.

Finally, my bhai - read THIS article very carefully to learn from another master.

I'll be dedicating my next song "Teraa Kusoor" to you as a sign of my support.

God bless, Squeamish.

18 comments:

Mind Rush said...

Drift saab, This was LOL! Very witty, but methinks you do not play golf... How could you murder the Lyin' Tiger with your Mouse and Bare his plight???

Also, time for a re-birth of Love Chakker...Mind Rush will be busy for months if all those ladies coming out of the Wood-work start writing for help.

Anonymous said...

What a Phatte Chakkk Write-up !!

Anonymous said...

Well drift Saab, now you are going the way, "aa baal mujha maar!!" and trust me the bollywood baal is coming right at you, so watch out!

Pitu said...

ROFL! This is soo ebil :) So, have you seen Radio yet? Lately I go aroudn the house saying just the one line 'Man ka radio'.. everyone is sick of me. As regards Sher Khan, dude he cheated on HIS SUPERMODEL GORGEOUS WIFE! WTH! There is no hope for ornery star wives then!

Mind Rush said...

There is a lesson to be learned...
Take the case of Bill Gates. He has money but you never hear him screwing around.
A wise older lady once told me that "the engineer type of husbands don't really know how to mess around."
Ladies, esp. good looking models, pick your pati parmeshwar with care. Call 1-800-mind-rush before you say I Do. Otherwise you will be going boo-hoo!

Om Puri said...

Am calling Sqeamish Rashammiya's radio station...
Any relationship advice, bahi?

Aspi said...

Pitu, if you look at Mind Rush's example, Melissa Gates is a very ornery looking wife and her husband is richer and more famous than Tiger Woods.

The lesson in all of this is: you can never be too unattractive if you are famous.

Joules said...

lol! This is too funny. Still wondering how many transgressions did Tiger really have and how come these women were hiding/lying for him until now.

Back to our desi superstar with newly minted hair, heard the movie is awful. Hope Mind Rush advices him to go back to music.

Amrita said...

Dear Mr. Drift, don't look now but Mrs. Drift just stroked her chin thoughtfully and bought a truckload of nannycams. :-D

Oh, and you HAVE to watch Radio. Not only is Shenaz as cute as a button, but the movie is everything you hoped it'd be from the trailers.

Aspi said...

Joules, in order to get some insight into how many transgressions Tiger really had, I have to turn to fake steve jobs again. Fake Steve has built a hypothetical situation in which he invited Larry Ellison and Bill Clinton to be Tiger's PR team. He posts on this fake situation regularly - much fun.

http://www.fakesteve.net/2009/12/tigergate-larry-says-there-are-more-coming.html

Amrita, heh heh - that thought did cross my mind. My excuse is that I read sleazy confessional books all the time and that is where this is from. Also Shenaz got trashed for not knowing how to act in all the reviews. That is so unfair and missing the point, everyone!

meena said...

Looks like Shehnaz is slowly pulling her career together again. she did her obligatory stint in the south - caught her unexpectedly in a telugu movie item song...

Aspi said...

Awesome! Unfortunately I can't seem to find it on YouTube. Sigh.

She also changed her last name to from Treasurywalla to Treasury. I should disown her really.

Aspi said...

But I did find this Priyanka song from a Tamil movie. It's called "Haute Paati Vada Booty"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcQA5MIBT2U

musical said...

Don't know what to say about Mr. Woods' situation, but Him Bhaiyya is really looking nice in that picture, i kinda' like that smile :). And like Pitu i've been singing "Mann ka radio" and get secret thrills by singing out loud "fultoo attitude" :).
Have you seen the movie yet? If yes, please please please post a review!

And Shehnaz really changed her last name to Treasury???

Aspi said...

Well she has been trying to change her name. What needs to be understood is that you can't change your name from a weird one to a weirder one.

I haven't seen Radio yet :( In fact, I haven't seen ANY of Himesh's movies. That sounds so bad now that I've said it - I'll have to work on correcting that situation.

Pitu said...

Why doesn't she just drop her last name and join the legions of one-name stars like Madhubala and Sadhana?

Aspi said...

She's a few hits away from doing that don't you think? For example, do you know who Aarti is? Or Manju? See my point?

Pitu said...

True that.