Namaste, Salaam aley kum, Marhaba, Hujambo, Konichiwa and wasup, my fans all over the world! You must be thinking: what is Squeamish doing on this phaltu blog? Well, no true fan of mine is too little important for me. After all, six crore paychecks are built Rs 100 ticket at a time.
Now when I was invited to write for this blog I was very sad about how one of my favorite athletes was being made badnaam. Yes, Tiger Woods is a true Sher Khan - he is a player on and off the field. So I want to give him advice. This is great promo for my movie Radio where I play a DJ who gives everyone advice.
What advice can I give him, right? We are so not similar, right? Wrong! We are very similar!
We have both been blessed with talent by God! I have composed no less than 300 super hit songs and Tiger Woods has won hundreds of tournaments. He is a true superstar like me. Women throw themselves at our feet. See, physically our situation is similar also. I am handsome but don't have a body-shody. Tiger has a kadak body, but the man is ugly. After all, women really come to us because of our world fame only.
Besides I have watched my brother Sullen Khan do this so many times I have learnt from the best. (Ballerina bhaabhi maafi, Sullenbhai has improved a lot after he met you). So here is my advice to Tigerbhai. It is short, sweet and simple.
You are screwed. Know it but admit nothing. That is correct mere dost - don't ever admit you messed around with all those women. If you do, it'll hound forever. Your sponsors will drop you. It is ALL ABOUT EMOTION, you see. Worse, you'll have to stop line maroing every chick you see in a bar!
Create an alias when calling women. When you use mobile, don't say "Hello this is Tiger...phalaan dhiknaa". What ghadhaa does that?! Instead use an alias from a completely different sport like say cricket. Yes, call yourself FirstSlip! Then your message to your mashooka will be "This is FirstSlip, turn off your caller id so my wife won't know you are calling!" Now you tell me, can she sell THAT voice mail to US Weekly?
Save your mashooka's number in your mobile. Yes, I know it sounds crazy but do it! Nothing makes the wife more suspicious than seeing an unknown number - especially one you answered! So save the number and give it a name: like "Charlie Sheen"! No, wait bad idea. How about "Shakti Kapoor"! $%&*! sorry, the brain isn't working much right now. Well, name her after the street she grew up and the name of her first pet. That always works.
Finally, my bhai - read THIS article very carefully to learn from another master.
I'll be dedicating my next song "Teraa Kusoor" to you as a sign of my support.
God bless, Squeamish.