More Ads that annoy me - Part 3

Crabtree Switches



Rajat Kapoor is about to pull out of his driveway. He waves his finger at the electrician about to perform work in his house. "Make sure its Crabtree switches, ok" he smiles.

His wife - a well coiffed late-twentyish chick chides him. "Rajat!" she tsk-tsks "When will you learn? A switch is just a switch!" Here she uses the universally annoying air quotes gesture - so expertly skewered and forced into the lexicon of the passé years ago by David Spade on Saturday Night Live .

What does Rajat do? The gentleman that he is - he swallows hard and does nothing. In fact he keeps driving on.

"Tum bhi na" his wife continues to heckle him.

Later Rajat proposes some tea. His wife agrees. He stops at a chai ka galla, where sweaty, scruffy - and you know - poor people are enjoying tea.

"Here?!" says wifey incredulously.

"Why not?" says Rajat, "Tea is tea". More air quotes.

Wife smiles sheepishly.

Commercial Payload:
Rich men might be smug but they know what they want
Rich men prefer Crabtree switches
Wouldn't you much rather be a 'rich' person than poor riff raff?

BSNL Broadband



A party is at hand. A guy flanked by two chicks can't get his internet connection to - uh, perform. The girls are getting annoyed. Clearly the guy isn't getting laid tonight.

The camera pans to another guy - only this time its a dude. How can you tell? Well he's got better hair and is wearing a jacket. He is also flanked by two women. But they are both really happy? Why? Because he is showing them a high speed Internet video of a girl dancing.

Dude starts rapping. What is he talking about? Social Issues? Gangsta life? Love and loss?

Nope. He's extolling the virtues of BSNL Broadband - a whopping 2 Mb per second. Whoot! Can you say superfast!

Often the dude breaks into an accent, throws cool sounding words around and jabs his pinky and thumb at a laptop. Pretty soon the girls who flank the loser walk over to the dude's end of the room to hang with him.

But wait, there's more. There is a tremendously choreographed dance, the flagship step of which appears to be bringing two hands together in the front like you are patting a mincemeat kebab.

Commercial Payload:
Chicks dig guys with laptops
But they dig dudes with 2 Mbps broadband more
BSNL Broadband will get you laid

Amruta Patil talks about her art and one Karismatic Graphic Novel

If by providence I was an editor and Amruta Patil had narrated her graphic novel Kari to me, I would shrugged and said: 'It won't work - its too passe'.

But embellished with Amruta's intimate art and lyrical prose, Kari is a graphic novel so absorbing, that upon reading it I would have resigned from my position and spent the rest of my days in the Himalayas repenting.

Fortunately most of that didn't happen and I was able to invite Amruta to stop by the Drift and talk about her work.

AspisDrift.com: Hi Amruta, welcome to the Drift. Loved your work in Kari. There is a ton of stuff I’m dying to ask you about.

People seem to have different interpretations of Kari’s knit eyebrows and her resulting personality. How about we start off with that? My 10 year old Motorsandal says “she looks mysterious!” My 7 year old Youngling says “Dad, that guy looks pissed!” What is Kari like and what DO those knit eyebrows signify?

Amruta: The eyebrows are just so fierce and heartbreaking. "I'm tough", they say. "I have everything in control."

But for all the bravado, she is just twenty years old; beginning to grapple with things she will be grappling with all her life - love, life, death - and the only thing you want to do is give her a squeeze.

AspisDrift.com: What was the process of Kari’s character design like?

Amruta: Kari is the ultimate fly-on-the-wall. Teeming inner life that contrasts with her solitary outer life. She is introverted and genderfluid. A silent engine. I thought she would make a necessary and much-missed counterpoint to the sociable, shrill, hyperfeminine protagonists one meets all the time.

AspisDrift.com: Kari turns 21 in the book. How old were you when you wrote the novel?

Amruta: 28. Which as anyone knows, is eons away from 21.

AspisDrift.com: You’re in Angouleme these days. What are you doing there and for how long? Pick up any French?

Amruta: The city hosts an International Comic Books Festival every January. I'm here on a year-long writer's residency - steering the tail of an elephantine graphic novel project based on the Mahabharat. I am rocking the supermarket French and the 'Ou sont les toilettes?' French. Social interactions are a stretch, but I listen hard - and am happy to find that sounds are slowly percolating into meaning.

AspisDrift.com: Amruta, a little bit about the drawings: What kind of paper did you draw on? How big was it? How did you digitize it all?

Amruta: I draw on all sorts of papers - sometimes on pages of magazines and found things. The originals are a little larger in size than the actual printed image. Each drawing is on a separate page - nightmare for the preproduction people. The drawings were scanned and laid out in a page with QuarkXpress.

AspisDrift.com: In the illustrations, you switch between markers, pens, pencils. I noticed you shade by rubbing graphite and charcoal on paper, but sometimes you’ll cross-hatch for texture. Why the broad jumps in technique?

Amruta: In Kari, I kept the palette grey & black; and used an assortment of styles to match the emotional landscape of the tale. This may not always have come through, but the effort has been to push against the existing visual grammar in visual books. I do not enjoy the conveyor-belt evenness and photoshopped perfection of mainstream comics.

My new work looks very different than Kari, but the effort continues to subvert visual grammar and standard ideas of 'how much text should there be in a graphic novel'.

AspisDrift.com: I have a complaint about the book. You have created some drop dead sexy women in the book but all the men you draw look kind of...unappealing. What’s up with that? Don’t you have any god-like men you can model from?

Amruta: Can I redeem myself by saying that the new work has none but godacious men? You will be begging for ladies in that one.

AspisDrift.com: Was it a tough sell to get a graphic novel published? What is the landscape like for graphic novels in India?

Amruta: I have had a very smooth run. Right place, right time, first mover's advantage. That sort of thing. VK Karthika of HarperCollins (who also, incidentally, commissioned Sarnath Bannerjee while she was working with Penguin) was one of the first people I showed the work to, and she was keen on seeing it through. The segment remains niche, but I think most publishing houses would like to have atleast the token graphic novel in its list now.

AspisDrift.com: Any graphic novels or books you’ve read lately that you would recommend?

Amruta: Have to confess that although I work in the medium of graphic novels currently - I am not its best spokesperson. I do not even see myself as a graphic novelist, but as a writer. The larger inflences have been from history, from literary fiction, from art.

AspisDrift.com: I ask this question of everyone I interview on the Drift so please indulge me: can you fold a fitted bed sheet properly?

Amruta: Absolutely cannot. Precision ends at the writing desk.

AspisDrift.com: Kari’s sexual identity is very much a part of this book – I’d like to ask her a question. Could you please get me an answer from her?

Here is the question: I’ve noticed men in India these days pretend to be gay and Dostana-like by joking about it while keeping proof of their liberated straightness close at hand – for example, they’ll make sure you hear about their wife (like as if that’s any kind of proof). What do you think of this gay-chic phenom in India?

Amruta: Aspi I am so uncool, I hear of most chic things five years too late. I think the most appealing state for Kari is an Orlandoesque genderfluidity. Maybe that is what people secretly aspire for, but to live it out is frightening. And hence the tittering, the awkward jokes, the homophobia. Gender and sexuality have their place - but in Kari's book, and mine - it is not at the centre of the universe.

Amruta blogs at Umbilical
She is working on Parva/The Epic. Preview it here .

Some graphic novels worth reading whether you are into comics or not (recommendations are mine, please no blaming Amruta for these)

Aya of Yop City - Marguerite Abouet, Clement Oubrerie
If Ekta Kapoor could draw and spent her youth in a vibrant, buzzing Ivory Coast, she'd make this graphic novel.

Exit Wounds - Rutu Modan
If Ekta Kapoor could draw and spent a tortured youth in Israel, she'd make this graphic novel

Life Sucks - Jessica Abel, Gabriel Soria, Warren Pleece
If Ekta Kapoor could draw, got bit by a vampire and wasted her youth in Smalltown, USA, she'd make this graphic novel

The Plain Janes - Cecil Castellucci, Jim Rugg
If Ekta Kapoor was an arty, self-propelled chick who didn't necessarily obsess about boys all the time, she'd make this graphic novel

Off Road - Sean Murphy
If Ekta Kapoor could draw, had never watched TV and was a groin-scratching dude who'd gotten kicked around in life, she'd make this graphic novel

Pride of Baghdad - Brian K. Vaughan, Niko Henrichon
If Ekta Kapoor was a lion inadvertently freed by American bombs from a zoo in Baghdad along with his family, she'd make this graphic novel

Ek Aur Strike on Jhalak Dikhhla Jaa 3

This week on JDJ 3, the show that never fails to deliver, there was a shocking elimination. A week ago, the producers played up a jhagda between Hard Kaur and the show's resident firestarter Gauhar Khan. On the surface, it looked fairly minor, but much was made of it.

The week's festivities started off with a shaababi-kebabi mujra face off between the fighting hastis. Now you could argue that mujra is a fine art form, but having grown up watching Pran and Ranjeet sniff at a garland of flowers wrapped around their wrist while watching the same, I've come to associate them with much sleaziness.

Without being particularly impolite to the ladies, let me just say that both dancers delivered on this front.

Fast forward to the elimination episode and Saroj Khan was called on to declare the second finalist. Someone gave her a coin upon which she inexplicably unleashed some mujra moves of her own. Thank God for random loopiness because this was much fun to watch.

Saroj continued to prance around attempting to taunt the remaining super-tense contestants with the coin - which was nigh invisible in her hand. "You like this?", "Isn't it cute", "Do you believe in HIM" she said to glum face after glum face, reminding me a bit of King Julian from Madagascar.

In any case, in the resulting dance off between Gauhar and Hard Kaur (hey, who scripts this show so perfectly?!), Hard Kaur got eliminated. Everyone pulled a face and shook their heads. Then Hard Kaur was invited to do her final dance, which seemed to remind everyone of how much they were going to miss her.

Bus, that was it! Saroj Khan picked up the mike and framed by the other two judges, issued a karate chop in the air. "We strike!" she declared, adding for some reason that this was a historic occasion on TV.

Vaibhavi Merchant chastisized the audiences for not voting properly.

This is where all logic usually breaks down for me. This show is about dance? I think not - if it was, why would you invite non-dancers like Karan Singh Grover in the first place to participate?

This show is about spectacle, like any other TV show is (anyone watch the news lately?) So, complaints against the audience not voting "properly" is not only futile, but plain incorrect.

The audience always votes correctly. They vote for entertainment. JDJ 3 is nothing but. And I'm thankful for that. It's not that I don't appreciate a good dance - I loved all of Hard Kaur and Savio's performances - but if the show was only all about dance, it wouldn't be on my DVR.

Oye its PJ! Why Oye Its Friday is important (although not just yet)

Now that Oye it's Friday! has mothballed its first season in the US (and a while ago in India), it's time to sit back in my armchair and point out what worked and what didn't. I recognize that its patently unfair to snootily judge the hard work of so many. Right, so moving on.

Farhan's show - OIF - is essentially a scripted talk show in the fine tradition of American Johnny Carson-esque talk shows. Everyone who keeps calling it a "unique show" or perhaps more amusingly - a "reality show", please no. Just about everything (format, presentation, heck even the way Farhan positions himself) on OIF is derived from David Letterman or Conan O'Brien - only focussed on Bollywood. Its not a bad thing at all, I mean look at how successful the IPL turned out to be. I'm just saying.

Produced by Endemol, India - who have been putting their reality properties all over the Indian TV-scape, OIF airs on NDTV and is easily the most glamorous show on the upstart channel's schedule. The importance of OIF to NDTV can't be overstated - nighttime talk shows are an underdeveloped market in India. But the tapping of the urban market by Bollywood makes it tempting to try and reach the same viewers on broadcast television. OIF is a way for NDTV to get there, establish an early grip in this category and make the channel a destination for commercial friendly, disposable income rich audiences.

The Framework

So back to the show - OIF runs in the US about a month behind its Indian counterpart (here I'd like to suggest that the person behind this type of programming - which indicates basic disrespect for US audiences - should be rewarded with a vacation, a very long one). It is operated within a standard framework - it's taped in front of a live audience and the host is accompanied by a live band. There is the requisite stage with couches where celebrity guests are perched. The backdrop is the ghisa pita, urban skyline of many other talk shows (it is supposed to indicate a vibrant, happening city - a basic suggestion to audiences that they can partake in the urban party by just sitting on their couch and tuning in).

Farhan comes in - usually via some opening gag - does a mild stand up routine and announces his line up. There is a celebrity guest - an A-lister thanks to Farhan's own star wattage. There are sketches (on OIF they are called "gags"). There are performances - some by musicians and some by what look like European ex-circus acts.

OIF also features an item number - an idea that at first glance looks creatively vapid but later comes across as deliberate irony in Farhan's wink-wink presence. This is usually done by a starlet with accompanying dancers. The performers are - as they should be - a who's who of C-listers. I would like to see everyone who appeared in this song to show up as a performer on OIF. What OIF does really well is that as soon as the dance is over, the starlet is dismissed summarily - no maska polish, kem chho type of banter to stoke anyone's ego. Just appearing on OIF, the show seems to say, is enough of a time slice for the likes of you. Terrific!

The Host

Farhan positions himself as a Conan O'Brien - a genial goofball who is good natured, but not above pulling someone's leg in the name of fun. He tries everything, often verbally throwing stuff at his guests that may or may not work and just watching what will stick. More on Farhan's interaction with his guests later. But decked out in geeky T-shirt on shirt outfits, Farhan seems to create an fairly inviting space for his viewers. He shrugs off bad jokes and keeps at it with an enthusiasm that makes you root for him.

The Guests

There are two types of guests on OIF that I care about. The celebs who are the centerpiece, and the starlets who are the item types. Most celebs, savvy to the nature of the show, submit to participating in sketches that poke fun at themselves. The ones with a funny bone will match Farhan's ribbing pound for pound.

Which leads me to one of the biggest issues with this show - it lives and dies with the personality of the center-stage celeb.

Invite Shahrukh Khan or a Priyanka Chopra, and they'll keep the show motoring along with wisecracks and generally engaging chat. Often a Mughda Godse will surprise you with her sparkling personality. But invite the reserved Ranbir Kapoor or the surprisingly stoic Katrina Kaif and the show just stops dead in its tracks. Somehow Farhan has to reach beyond his (lack of) history with his guests and deliver consistently engaging chats. The format of the show doesn't help in this regard - the banter is supposed to be light hearted. All celeb guests aren't comfortable with light hearted gup shup. Good luck, buddy!

It's in all the tangential references that OIF really shines. I loved the fact that Monica Bedi shimmied to a Rakhi Sawant song when SRK's arrival was announced with the music of Don playing in the back. In numerous episodes Farhan will ask his guest to do something they did in a movie that became really popular (Ranbir's towel dance in Saawariya, Katrina's Zara Zara Touch Me sashay from Race) - which becomes sharply funny against the backdrop of the terrific Mac Mohan cameo in Luck By Chance.

Often Farhan will recall those star kids birthday parties with his guests in which he partook. And if you are particularly bored, you can watch him closely to see if you can figure out where he was in the star kids hierarchy back in the day.

The Rest

OIF has a house band - we don't get to see them much. And here I think OIF has locked up potential that may be worth exploring. After all, music is the centerpiece of Bollywood and its one endearing knight in shining armor (which is another way to say: we can all rely on the music to rock even when the rest of everything sucks).

Why wouldn't you invite a kick ass new voice to front up the band and then make sure they were seen? Can we have a Shilpa Rao, Manasi Scott or a Himani Kapoor? How about Blaaze or Ash King? (e.g. Raghu Dixit project on the show - good idea!)

There are two additional things in OIF worth mentioning - I love the set, which reminds me of the insides of that bad ass Alien from the Sigourney Weaver movie. It allows some visual momentum to be created when guests are coming in or being escorted out. Plus it looks cool!

Second, whoever does the outfits for the dancers is doing a fabulous job. Why I've felt like wearing some of them myself during Family Disco Night. But while we are talking about outfits, whoever is responsible for dressing up the guests - the ones who don't come in their own super-expensive outfits - can you please take a little more care? Either leave the guests in their own threads or find a jacket that fits them, yes?

OIF's Season 1 Episodes

1. Hrithik Roshan
2. Aamir Khan
3. Shankar Ehsaan Loy
4. Priyanka Chopra
5. Deepika Padukone
6. SRK Part 1
7. SRK Part 2
8. Ranbir Kapoor, Rishi Kapoor, Isha Sharvani
9. Rock On!! Cast
10. Katrina Kaif
11. Karan Johar
12. Sourav Ganguly, Kangana Ranaut
13. Sonam Kapoor
14. Abhishek Bachchan
15. Shilpa Shetty

You may not know Hitesh Sonik, but here is why you really should!

There are several reasons Hitesh Sonik should be more famous beyond inner circles in the filmi music duniya than he is. As a music producer, he is a large part of Vishal Bhardwaj's signature sound. In 2006 with Vishal as composer, skilfully combining art with commerce, he forged possibly the finest Bollywood CD of the millennium - Omkara.

This year, in a magical collaboration with composer Piyush Mishra and Rekha Bhardwaj, Hitesh produced Ranaji - a modern day mujra about a person with delusions of grandeur who is so vicious that he evokes several carefully calibrated references to 9/11.

And because Hitesh has also produced one of the most anticipated CDs of the year - Vishal Bhardwaj's Kaminey, I felt it was about time more people in my world knew about him. Hitesh was kind enough to stop by the Drift and answer some questions.

AspisDrift.com: Hi Hitesh, welcome to the Drift. People who program music aren’t as famous as their music composer brethren, so I just wanted to say this: you are among my heroes!

Hitesh: This is the most beautiful thing ever said to me about my job....big thanks! No, BIG THANKS!

AspisDrift.com: First question: I’m dying to hear more about the song Ranaji. It’s supposed to be a hoot, but it’s also very wistful and touching. And the references to 9/11 make it tricky to handle as a composition. How did the song come together?

Hitesh: I loved the song the first time I heard it. Which was way back in 2003, 2004. Much before Beedi and Namak happened and declared their kabzaa on the genre.

The script was in place and demanded two mujras. I'm not sure you've seen the film but its interesting and twisted in the Anurag Kashyap-ist idiom. So naturally, thereafter, something like this had to happen!

It was entirely Piyush Mishra's acute vision that led to it. We called it the political mujra. Since the lyrics and the tune both were written by him, there wasn't much conflict creatively. I loved it and just wanted to make sure the content and intent of the song wouldn't get lost in the arrangements...yet sound as contemporary as possible...keeping the film's Rajasthani backdrop in mind.

Getting the right voice was critical...and with Rekha Bhardwaj that was thankfully pretty much taken care of.

AspisDrift.com: Let’s talk about music production in general – what kind of guidelines do you normally get in Bollywood when working with a composer?

Hitesh: Well...is it hard to guess? Everybody wants a hit...and no matter what tempo or mood the song denotes, they just want to cater to everybody. There's no respect for a select audience...but then that's how most businesses function, don't they?

No complaints really...but a little space would allow us all to stretch our arms real wide open! Won't that feel good?

AspisDrift.com: Ok Hitesh, we all know very little about you. So I’d like to change that. But instead of asking you all kinds of boring stuff like your birth date, I’m going to ask you far more intrusive stuff.

At a party, you are most likely to drink...

Hitesh: CHAI....

AspisDrift.com: When you’re home, your CD changer is most likely playing...

Hitesh: Nothing mostly. Something classical maybe...Hindustani or Western...but nothing percussive! Strictly. Everything else I enjoy listening to in my car...

AspisDrift.com: The wildest thing you’ve ever done in a studio is...

Hitesh: Spilled a cup of tea on the mixing console... :( It was hot and mine! Had to go without tea the whole day...

AspisDrift.com: The musical instruments you can play is/are...

Hitesh: Guitar. A bit of keyboards...and can produce sounds out of a flute, tabla and tin cans ;)

AspisDrift.com: Your biggest regret in life, the one that got away is...

Hitesh: Let it!

AspisDrift.com: If (the upcoming) Kaminey was nominated for a Grammy and you were at the Awards ceremony, the first thing you’d do is to look for...

Hitesh: I can only answer this after I'm back from there :) Want to give you honest answers only you see.

AspisDrift.com: If someone walks up to you and asks, dude what does Namak Ishq Ka (from Omkara) really mean? You’d say...

Hitesh: You really asking??

AspisDrift.com: Hitesh, given the type of hit but arty music you’ve produced so far in your career, I have to ask you this question. If a director came up to you and said: Hitesh, I want you to produce the music for my next film Disco Dancer 2010 - would you say
(a) Thanks, but that’s not me!
(b) Heck yes! What took you guys so long to offer me one of these?
(c) Depends, what’s the pay like?

Hitesh: (b)! With absolute pleasure!

AspisDrift.com: Last question, I ask this of everyone on the Drift. Can you fold a fitted bed sheet?

Hitesh: Is this a trick question Aspi? I don't understand it...

Hitesh's Definitive Filmography
Four Brothers and a Funeral (2005) – Composer
Maachis (1996) – Music Assistant
Godmother (1999) – Music Assistant
Hu Tu Tu (1999) – Music Assistant
Maqbool (2003) – Music Producer
The Blue Umbrella (2005) – Music Producer
Omkara (2006) – Music Producer
Blood Brothers (2007) – Background Score
No Smoking (2007) - Music Producer and Background Score
Gulaal (2009) – Music Producer
Firaaq (2009) – Music Producer
Kaminey (2009) – Music Producer

Also: More about music production and the process in this interview with Clinton Cerejo

Amruta Patil's Kari

In the opening panel of Amruta Patil's engrossing and touching graphic novel Kari, the author depicts two women - Ruth and Kari - just before they commit suicide. The panel is an homage to Frida Kahlo's searing Las Dos Fridas, painted after Frida was abandoned by her long time partner Mexican muralist Diego Rivera. It depicts two Frida's - two versions - one rejected by Diego and the other embraced by him. Frida's heart is bleeding her to death.

It's an opening that absolutely pulled me in. Ruth and Kari's attempt to end their life is a metaphor for a gut churning breakup. But if you're familiar with the painting on which the opening panel is based, you can read in a lot more about what Amruta might be telling you about her protagonists. Kari and Ruth may be the same person - or portions of each reside in the other. (Kari is listed as a work of fiction, but it reads like a reconstituted memoir)

Ruth and Kari both jump from their respective buildings - you assume their decision to end their relationship happens over the phone. Ruth lands in a safety net below her building, hops on a flight to a foreign land and starts a family (she is depicted as holding a child in a panel). Kari lands in a sewer where she must pick up the pieces of her life again and carry on.

The novel then settles into the story of a young woman finding her equilibrium in Mumbai (the sewer). Often in order to become memorable, a slice-of-life story has to depict a significant event as backdrop to the central story (the Holocaust in Maus, the Iranian revolution in Persepolis). Kari doesn't have anything of this nature, except for a well defined sense of the grimy breakdown of Mumbai. But it manages to be tender and engaging - and there are several reasons for that.

First is the way Amruta structures her sequential art. A variety of drawing techniques embellish her words. She uses pencils, charcoal, pens, markers, crayons and water colors. A couple of times she uses photographic images and incorporates them in her drawing in scrapbook style. She uses action transitions between her panels sparingly, almost rarely. Often Kari feels like a diary embellished with pictures. Her characters are designed loosely, but Kari herself is a rich, fully realized person. She's strong, she's straight forward, she's devil may care,she's not above getting hurt, but she doesn't wallow in misery. Interestingly, Kari's eyebrows are constantly knit to give her a no-nonsense personality. This leaves Amruta with Kari's mouth to convey primary emotion - something she does quite successfully in the novel.

Sometimes Amruta will render a panel like a design. It's a fine thing to watch but if there is one critique I have about Kari it is in the way the drawings change their character. I couldn't detect any sense of rhythm when the author switched between color to black and white, or pen drawings to marker and graphite. A change in visual style is just as strong a story telling tool as words are in a graphic novel. In Kari you get the feeling that Amruta Patil is still discovering her visual technique.

Back to the good stuff. Second is the way Amruta writes. She has a fine sense of lyricism in her prose. "What is it about snow globes" she asks at one point, "that makes them fascinating and terrifying at once?" In written work, this can tend to come across a bit heavy handed. But thanks to the magic of a visual medium such as graphic novels, this feels deft and touching.

There are also bits and pieces that connected me to the story. In several panels - two of which seem to be rendered with pencils and the finger smudges, Kari describes the smells of the city while traveling in a train. Earlier, Kari describes her cramped living quarters by sketching out a floor plan. There are amusing details about Kari's work with an advertising agency. Somewhere, Kari is shown exploring the boundaries of her sexuality. What Kari lacks in terms of immersive drawing, it makes up for in terms of vivid story telling.

Kari ends with a declaration of independence and an acknowledgment of the emotional ties that bind. (This is done in a flurry of panels that feel a bit unfinished.) There is a reference to a sequel that, given how much I enjoyed Kari, is one I'll be happy to wait for.

Kari is published by Harper Collins India
Amruta Patil blogs at Umbilical.

Indian Ads, Hidden Codes - Part 2: Complan versus Horlicks

"Is it true that Complan makes kids grow faster (than Horlicks)?" A mother with a somewhat lopsided jaw wonders. It bugs her so much she decides to check it out for herself.

But since she isn't the only one with phaltu time on her hands, she goes out and collects a bunch of other "concerned" (aka "good") mothers like herself. All of them march (really, I mean it) towards The Center for Health and Nutrition (or something like that). In a scene reminiscent of the zombie classic Dawn of the Dead, the mothers storm under the sign and through the gates of the Center.

An official looking doctor greets them. How could I tell? Well for one he's wearing a white lab coat - a sure sign of celluloid Ph.D. The man is a bit young and unrealistically well groomed to be a doctor - even by Indian TV standards. The man raises both hands to pacify the mob of mothers.

"We've done SCIENTIFIC tests" he assures the mothers. "We gave one group of kids Complan and another group of kids that other drink. And we found that the kids who drank Complan grew TWICE as much as the other kids"

While the doctor is talking, we are shown scenes of doctors measuring the height of kids. And because this is a scientific test, the kids' heights are measured while they are still wearing their shoes. Guess which set of kids came in wearing particularly thick soles, heh heh.

Later the concerned mother mugs at the camera and joyously announces: "Get ready for your kids to grow twice as fast!" She rests her chin theatrically and lovingly on her son's shoulders - reminding me of several nutty scenes from this legendary movie.

This Ad is really talking to:

• Bad Moms who aren't paying enough attention to their kids
• Working Moms who have chosen their career over their kids growing twice as fast
• Really competitive Moms ("Your Babloo plays guitar? Mine can play the national anthem on a trombone!")
• Scientifically inclined people
• Fans of the newly resurgent Zombie zeitgeist

(Sorry no video of ad, this included picture is from another, older ad of same campaign)

Revealed! The secret target demographic of Indian commercials - Part 1

Recently I found myself with a lot of free time during a visit to the desh. I decided to use it wisely - I watched hour upon hour of IPL , gleefully settling down to watch eight hour blocks of TV cricket.

Soon however, I found that in between all that cool cricket action I would be forced to watch the most inane and annoying commercials. After multiple viewings, I felt I might go insane. I became irritable and irrational. I started heckling the batsmen, the bowlers and the commentators for all the agony they were peripherally inflicting on me.

Once when Rahul Dravid was batting, I nodded off. I heard a clap and saw a billowing cloud of smoke. Before me stood Bunker Swahadevan.

"Bunker!" I said "Is that you?"

"Yes" sang Bunker and then launched into a superb alaap - his hand flicking imaginary locks of hair off his forehead.

After he was finished, he admonished me.

"Aspi!" he scolded, "you know I and my band Bunker Fashion Coy work on most of these commercials. I'm disappointed you don't like our work. Why don't you try and give these ads a second chance?"

"Go wuuaaachhhh theeemmmm" Bunker's voice faded into the distance.

My eyes flew open with a start! Had it all been a dream? Well, I was lying down on the couch and dribbling. But then I noticed the word "Maa" scrawled on the layer of dust on my window pane. I knew this had been no ordinary day dream.

I took Bunker's advice to heart. I paid renewed attention to the commercials. Soon I started to enjoy them. In a few days, I was so enraptured that I even started taking notes.

Inexoribly it dawned on me that these ads communicated more than met the eye (or ears). There seemed to be a secret code to them, a specific audience they were talking to - a hidden target demographic. I decided to decipher their coding.

In continuing posts, I'll talk about my research on specific ads - annoying beyond belief, but expertly communicating to an audience with disposable income and luring them with coded talk. This exercise had a rather pleasant side effect - I became smarter and more entertained.

Thanks, Bunker!

Coming up:
Complan vs Horlicks
Crabtree Switches: A switch is a switch
Fanta: Bunking is allowed
BSNL 2Mbps Broadband
More?