Friday, January 22, 2010

Bringing home Bollywood's most eligible bachelorettes: Another interview with TigerMaasi

I often have this recurring nightmare. In this nightmare, the Drift Memsaab is leaving me for Aamir Khan. "Don't do this!" I plead. "How can you leave me for that short pengdu man?!" The Memsaab smirks at me and says "Pengdu? When was the last time you updated this nightmare?"

But before she can take off, I usually snap awake. I grope around the bed to make sure aal izz well and go right back to sleep.

But just the other day - probably because I ate too much grease at Due's (to be fair there was some pizza in it), my nightmare kept going on! The Drift Memsaab was gone. I was debilitated with grief! Frantic in my nightmare, I decided to call on the best person who could help me - my aunt Tigermaasi, astrologer to the stars.

Here is how the conversation went.

Me: Maasi, sob! My wife just left me!
Tigermaasi: (slaps me on the head) You must have done something terrible to drive that sweet girl away!

Me: I didn't look like Aamir Khan.
Tigermaasi: That bites. How can I help my favorite nephew?

Me: I'm thinking of marrying some hot Bollywood actress to get back at her
Tigermaasi: Ah! Revenge, it's a dish best served with mutton. But its bad for you!!

Me: Because of the mutton?
Tigermaasi: No, because of the heartburn from revenge. But I'm bored and need entertainment. So let's do it!

Me: What do you think of Kareena Kapoor? Will she be good for me?
Tigermaasi: Brilliant complexion! Beautiful girl! And she's even put on some weight now so you don't have to worry about her slipping off the couch onto the floor after a drink. But I'd say no to her!

Me: Why Tigermaasi?
Tigermaasi: Well you know how you've always been freaked out by her sister Karishma because she looks like Randhir Kapoor in drag? Do you really want to be looking at that every Diwali?

Me: Good point! Who would be good for me you think?
Tigermaasi: Saif Ali Khan!

Me: Sorry maasi, but I don't swing that way and I'm not sure he does either.
Tigermaasi: Your loss. I guess I'll just have to hunt him down and ravish him without your help.

Me: Hey who is this conversation about!? Let's focus! Any other suggestions?
Tigermaasi: How about Aishwarya? She is my favorite - such a lovely girl!

Me: She's married. Besides she's too pretty for me.
Tigermaasi (smirks): Well have you seen a photo gallery of all her men? I'd say you're in with a chance!

Me: One in a million maybe!
Tigermaasi: Well, that's still a chance! Paak Dadaar Hormuzd, you always sucked at Math!

Me: How about Lara Dutta?
Tigermaasi: I thought you weren't into men!

Me: What?! Lara Dutta is a hot chick!
Tigermaasi: Could have fooled me.

Me: Whatever. What do you think of Vidya Balan?
Tigermaasi: She is so beautiful and looks like she can flip a roti. But if she doesn't stop dressing like an amaa, you'll have to explain to our nosy relatives why you married your teacher.

Me: That would be awkward. Ok, what about Priyanka Chopra then?
Tigermaasi: I love Priyanka! Such a great personality - that girl is always enjoying herself and has so much spunk. She'd fit right into the family. But she is too high maintenance for you!

Me: How so?
Tigermaasi: Look at the all the things she wears! You'd be broke in a year and then she'd go back to Shahid Kapoor...again.

Me: That would kill me! Katrina Kaif then?
Tigermaasi: Not unless you want to be beaten up silly!

Me: By Salman?
Tigermaasi: No by the family bodyguard Sohail!

Me: Ouch! Well you know I've always had a thing for Bipasha Basu.
Tigermaasi: Forget her, you know how Parsi men don't marry anyone darker than them.

Me: That is so not true! Would you rather I marry Preity Zinta then?
Tigermaasi: That woman broke my sweet boy Ness Wadia's heart. For that reason she is a pariah in the Parsi community! Cute dimples and all but you'll be an outcast at ALL Parsi functions and will have to stop going to them altogether!

Me: Wow, that sounds like a good deal!
Tigermaasi: You napphat chhokra! Can you really live with no more Patra ni Machhi? Or Sali Boti for that?

Me: Goodbye Preity then! Speaking of dimples, what do you think of Gul Panaag?
Tigermaasi: Huge dimples and even bigger...

Me: Maasi, STOP!!
Tigermaasi: Ok, I'm just trying to be thorough - these things matter to some men.

Me: Never mind. Should I just marry Celina Jaitley?
Tigermaasi: Dikra, I have to say this: WHAT THE HELL?!

Me: Why?
Tigermaasi: Didn't we teach you to marry a woman who is smarter than you?

Me: Celina is smart and compassionate. She volunteers for PETA!
Tigermaasi: So she is a VEGETARIAN! That's just sone pe suhaaga then! There'll be chaos if you bring her into the family!

Me: All I've left now is Deepika Padukone.
Tigermaasi: I have two words for you: RANBIR TATTOO! Avoid!

Me: Well can you just pull my kundli and make a prediction?
Tigermaasi: Sure! (Ruffles through her diary) You will have a lifelong relationship with whoever walks in through my door next.

Me: Whoa! Are you expecting company?
Tigermaasi: Yes, a hot Bollywood superstar wants to know which film to do next.

Me: Today might be my lucky day!

(The doorbell rings)
Tigermaasi: Get that for me, will you dikra?
Me: Sure!

Tigermaasi: Well who is it?
Me: *%#$! Its Aamir Khan!

I wake up.

My thanks to Joules for the idea for this post


Drift Memsaab said...

Drift saab, for the record, I am here...All izz well...And you are awake!

Kanan said...

Now we know why Aamir's movies are big hits! He consults Tigermaasi!!! 8-D

That writeup was ROTFL!

Word verification: thazes (reminds me of "Thisit" at Macy's.

Unknown said...

Haha! I am glad Memsaab is still there! But what an elaborate dream, Aspi G :P

Anonymous said...

Hey you forgot to ask Tigermassi your signature question??
Btw,have you ever asked her that.
Now for who would fit your personality I went to This is what they came up with.Degree in philosophy, knows how to fly well, is good with art, Libra works good with your star sign. Give it a chance: "Mallika Sherawat"

Unknown said...

Mallika Sherawat?! Maybe on days when I'm near 40 pretending to be 20.

Hey how long before those florists show up on the Drift?

Anonymous said...

give it 6 to 7 more hours. It is still midnight in India. But, they will be back soon, especially now that you are going bride-hunting you will be needing the flowers and freshly made sweets and don't forget the wedding cake!

Mind Rush said...

Too bad Freud is dead. His book "Interpretation of Dreams" would be completely different following this Drift write up.

But have no fear! Mind Rush is here....Say the word and I will interpret your dreams for free, Aspi.

memsaab said...

I'll be your backup Memsaab ;)

This is hilarious. But I gotta say: Preity rocks for dumping that idiot Ness!

Unknown said...

memsaab, awesome. And Ness was an idiot? I seem to have missed a scoop here. I need to google around a bit it seems :)

Anonymous said...

The Lanky one has some issues with placements of Parts.... ?

Something that strikingly comes to Mind as a first impression.

So Leave her to Shaid !

Anonymous said...

One thing Massi is right about, if you did your math correct,you would know, your chances of getting killed by a terrorist would be higher than finding a new partner...having said that, keep the one you have close and secure, else massi's predictions are all you have left.
Finally, we did scare the flowers and cakes away, they are not interested in your post any more, I wonder if that sort of reflects on ranking of blogs, ahhh (pondering)

Unknown said...

It could be that I've been diligent about taking their comments right off and so they don't get paid. Or at least I'd like to think that.

memsaab said...

Preity dumped him when he told her she couldn't work in films after marriage. She even offered to compromise, saying she would cut back, but he was adamant that she stop working altogether.

So good for her for choosing her independence over being shackled to that moron. She is smart, not cruel! (Does that put her back in the running as replacement Memsaab?) ;-)

Rani Mukherjee said...

How about me Driftji?
Since I am not Rejected does ot mean am I Accepted?

Rakhi Sawant said...

What about me? After all I even like your type. Check out that guy I dumped after my show. Looks exactly like you.

Bolly Boy said...

Please look beyond national boundaries. Jennifer Anniston is still single...

Unknown said...

Jennifer Anniston eh? I heard she won't go near anyone who is on Twitter after that whole John Mayer fiasco.

Unknown said...

memsaab, yes I did hear about that. From what I've heard I think Preity would have had major problems adjusting in that family in any case. So maybe it was the straw that did it.

Anonymous said...

Aspi, you did a google trend almost 2yrs back the article was "Bollywood Actresses: Who's Google Hot and Who's Google Not?"
Same actress' as in you dream, hotness index in the same order too, wonder does this mean you have premonitions?? or are we running dry in bollywood on new stars coming in??

Unknown said...

Thanks for remembering! I actually refer back to that post (and the Darkwati one) whenever I need to short list the top actresses in any post. That is probably why the lists match. But to be fair, the equation in the A and B list hasn't changed much since then.

Anonymous said...

you need to add memsahib to that index, it shall resolve all your nightmares and dilemmas.

Complex problem but simple solution!

a voice is heard:"Next in line please for tigermassi"

Joules said...

This is so funny! You are giving me too much credit. Glad to have inspired you though.

lol on Rakhi Sawant's comment. My mom is visiting US these days and I laugh on the comments she makes. She hates Malaika Khan for her overbite, Genelia because you can see her gums when she smiles, Shilpa Shetty for a barely-there forehead, Shamita for she is not Shilpa, Juhi Chawla for a squeaky voice, Bipahsa too dark, Aish and Abhi for being omnipresent...

She and TigetMaasi would have some good conversations.

Unknown said...

Heh heh, wonder if we can do one for the men. I wouldn't be too good at it though.

Anonymous said...

Hey maybe you should ask for memsahib to do one ??

sudipta pal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hans Meier said...

Whoa, good fun, the end very terrifying!!