But before she can take off, I usually snap awake. I grope around the bed to make sure aal izz well and go right back to sleep.
But just the other day - probably because I ate too much grease at Due's (to be fair there was some pizza in it), my nightmare kept going on! The Drift Memsaab was gone. I was debilitated with grief! Frantic in my nightmare, I decided to call on the best person who could help me - my aunt Tigermaasi, astrologer to the stars.
Here is how the conversation went.
Me: Maasi, sob! My wife just left me!
Tigermaasi: (slaps me on the head) You must have done something terrible to drive that sweet girl away!
Me: I didn't look like Aamir Khan.
Tigermaasi: That bites. How can I help my favorite nephew?
Me: I'm thinking of marrying some hot Bollywood actress to get back at her
Tigermaasi: Ah! Revenge, it's a dish best served with mutton. But its bad for you!!
Me: Because of the mutton?
Tigermaasi: No, because of the heartburn from revenge. But I'm bored and need entertainment. So let's do it!
Me: What do you think of Kareena Kapoor? Will she be good for me?
Tigermaasi: Brilliant complexion! Beautiful girl! And she's even put on some weight now so you don't have to worry about her slipping off the couch onto the floor after a drink. But I'd say no to her!
Me: Why Tigermaasi?
Tigermaasi: Well you know how you've always been freaked out by her sister Karishma because she looks like Randhir Kapoor in drag? Do you really want to be looking at that every Diwali?
Me: Good point! Who would be good for me you think?
Tigermaasi: Saif Ali Khan!
Me: Sorry maasi, but I don't swing that way and I'm not sure he does either.
Tigermaasi: Your loss. I guess I'll just have to hunt him down and ravish him without your help.
Me: Hey who is this conversation about!? Let's focus! Any other suggestions?
Tigermaasi: How about Aishwarya? She is my favorite - such a lovely girl!
Me: She's married. Besides she's too pretty for me.
Tigermaasi (smirks): Well have you seen a photo gallery of all her men? I'd say you're in with a chance!
Me: One in a million maybe!
Tigermaasi: Well, that's still a chance! Paak Dadaar Hormuzd, you always sucked at Math!
Me: How about Lara Dutta?
Tigermaasi: I thought you weren't into men!
Me: What?! Lara Dutta is a hot chick!
Tigermaasi: Could have fooled me.
Me: Whatever. What do you think of Vidya Balan?
Tigermaasi: She is so beautiful and looks like she can flip a roti. But if she doesn't stop dressing like an amaa, you'll have to explain to our nosy relatives why you married your teacher.
Me: That would be awkward. Ok, what about Priyanka Chopra then?
Tigermaasi: I love Priyanka! Such a great personality - that girl is always enjoying herself and has so much spunk. She'd fit right into the family. But she is too high maintenance for you!
Me: How so?
Tigermaasi: Look at the all the things she wears! You'd be broke in a year and then she'd go back to Shahid Kapoor...again.
Me: That would kill me! Katrina Kaif then?
Tigermaasi: Not unless you want to be beaten up silly!
Me: By Salman?
Tigermaasi: No by the family bodyguard Sohail!
Me: Ouch! Well you know I've always had a thing for Bipasha Basu.
Tigermaasi: Forget her, you know how Parsi men don't marry anyone darker than them.
Me: That is so not true! Would you rather I marry Preity Zinta then?
Tigermaasi: That woman broke my sweet boy Ness Wadia's heart. For that reason she is a pariah in the Parsi community! Cute dimples and all but you'll be an outcast at ALL Parsi functions and will have to stop going to them altogether!
Me: Wow, that sounds like a good deal!
Tigermaasi: You napphat chhokra! Can you really live with no more Patra ni Machhi? Or Sali Boti for that?
Me: Goodbye Preity then! Speaking of dimples, what do you think of Gul Panaag?
Tigermaasi: Huge dimples and even bigger...
Me: Maasi, STOP!!
Tigermaasi: Ok, I'm just trying to be thorough - these things matter to some men.
Me: Never mind. Should I just marry Celina Jaitley?
Tigermaasi: Dikra, I have to say this: WHAT THE HELL?!
Tigermaasi: Didn't we teach you to marry a woman who is smarter than you?
Me: Celina is smart and compassionate. She volunteers for PETA!
Tigermaasi: So she is a VEGETARIAN! That's just sone pe suhaaga then! There'll be chaos if you bring her into the family!
Me: All I've left now is Deepika Padukone.
Tigermaasi: I have two words for you: RANBIR TATTOO! Avoid!
Me: Well can you just pull my kundli and make a prediction?
Tigermaasi: Sure! (Ruffles through her diary) You will have a lifelong relationship with whoever walks in through my door next.
Me: Whoa! Are you expecting company?
Tigermaasi: Yes, a hot Bollywood superstar wants to know which film to do next.
Me: Today might be my lucky day!
(The doorbell rings)
Tigermaasi: Get that for me, will you dikra?
Tigermaasi: Well who is it?
Me: *%#$! Its Aamir Khan!
I wake up.
My thanks to Joules for the idea for this post