Saturday, February 13, 2010

How to save yourself on Valentine's Day by leveraging Chick Flicks

Well its that time of the year - Valentine's Day. Which means you know what.

A bunch of men, harassed at the prospect of having to try and be romantic will talk about how they don't need to buy a gift or purchase a card to tell their loved ones how much they care. A number of women will say the same as a preemptive strike to ward off inevitable disappointment. Several will find that Hallmark is their friend in times of such dire need. A few will get all metrosexual and do something romantic. Most will find ideas of romance vary (yes, return that super powered vacuum cleaner NOW.)

I'm far too nefarious to fall in any of the above categories. What I do instead is I talk about all the crap I've gone through in the name of love and pass it off as my Valentine's Day gift. Its cheap, its easy and it works!

This year I'm listing out all those chick flicks I've watched in 2009 with the Drift Memsaab as saboot of how much I love her.

Now I actually liked a bunch of them. In fact I practically adored the first third of this list. But I recommend you not mention that when presenting 'gifts' like this on account of the fact that it will dilute the magnitude of your sacrifice, and hence the value of the gift.

Rachel Getting Married
Girl (Anne Hathaway) interrupts rehab to attend sister's (Rosemarie DeWitt) wedding, wreaks havoc. Hathaway almost convinces everyone she can act, until last movie on this list gets released.

Sunshine Cleaning
Two sisters (Amy Adams, Emily Blunt) whose lives are an ungodly mess, scrub crime scenes clean for a living. Adams, Blunt look fetching despite herculean efforts by Makeup and Costume

I've Loved You So Long
Surgeon (Kristin Scott Thomas) with a terrible secret (she murdered her infant son!) returns from jail to restart life with her sister (Elsa Zylberstein). Arty French posing and scenery chewing ensues.

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
Heart-broken loser (Micheal Cera) and hot chick (Kat Dennings) chase secret live appearance of weird sounding band all over city, miss concert, lock lips.

I Love You, Beth Cooper
Geeky Valedictorian (Paul Rust) publicly exclaims love for cheerleader with fabulous hair (Hayden Panettiere) at graduation, becomes object of ridicule and target of jock boyfriend's wrath. Magnificent towel-flick battle among half-naked folks in gym shower ensues. Cheerleader discovers losers are people too!

He's Just Not That Into You
Intersecting story arcs about clueless women getting shafted by men. Not sure exactly what happens but some of it is funny. Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly play Jens next door.

Love Aaj Kal
Metrosexual (Saif Ali Khan) and post-eco-boom desi girl (Deepika Padukone) coast through relationships in modern ways, find true love, suddenly become old fashioned and can't seem to talk about it. Parallel old fashioned love story encourages today's generation to talk less, love more.

(500) Days of Summer
Boy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) meets annoying girl (Zooey Deschanel) who is too cool to even try and act - and fails to recognize that she's just NOT THAT INTO HIM! Yes, that is the whole movie. Minka Kelly arrives in last few minutes, wakes everyone up

The Duchess
Duchess (Kiera Knightley) marries creepy, abusive husband. Has to deal with rape, grief, Ralph Fiennes' pasty lips and plummy English accents. Features great costumes which none of us can ever wear anymore and hence are useless

Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Man-whore Javier Bardem can't decide who to lust after - Scarlett Johanssen or Penelope Cruz. Decides to have both, boinks Johanssen's sister (Rebecca Hall) along the way, transforms chick-flick to male fantasy film. Even censors fall asleep, which explains eyebrow-raising PG-13 rating

Julie & Julia
Julia Child (Meryl Streep) translates French recipes in English, becomes legend. Impressionable young Julie (Amy Adams) cooks her recipes and blogs about them, rights her life, lands book deal. Hundreds follow by trying to convert blog into book. Too late as publishers now troll Twitter for ideas.

The Proposal
Ball busting editor Sandra Bullock forces her doormat admin (Ryan Reynolds) to marry her for a green card, ogles his moneybags family and falls in love with him. Great vistas of Alaska and senseless situations ensue.

Confessions of a Shopaholic
Charming ditz (Isla Fisher) is an in-debt shopaholic but writes a column about smart shopping. Gets ratted out. Boyfriend quits her. Charming ditz oxymoronishly resorts to shopping sensibly.

The Ugly Truth
Smart, beautiful, man-less hence unhappy female producer (Katherine Heigl) is forced to work with misogynist (Gerard Butler) - discovers bad, messy, uncouth men are more interesting than clean-shaven, good looking, successful ones. Luckily man-shrew is tamed in time for the ending.

Bride Wars
Best friends (Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway) squabble over wedding venue on same day, bore everyone senseless, end Kate Hudson's career. Candice Bergen plays wedding planner, delivers masterclass in how to 'act' one snark at a time.


Unknown said...
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Anonymous said...

There you go incase you were doubting about the chick flicks, there is these mouthwatering cakes to gift...So, I have a question for Manoj Shrestha, do the mouths of people baking these cakes water. How do you make sure that the cake is hygienic, people with dripping mouths baking cake that couldn't be kosher.
Hopefully,you come back here with your mouth closed to read the comments, Mr. Manoj .

Unknown said...

Holy crapmonkey. Its time to start doing all-man posts exclusively.

Anonymous said...

I do not know if it legal, but maybe you should just block those ip addresses. They are annoying and very irritating..

Drift Memsaab said...

To my Valentine:

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I enjoy watching
Chick Flicks with you.

Marigold is yellow
And jasmines white
Chocolates are boring
And pink cards trite.

The sky is blue
And grass is green,
So what to do?
It's Feb 14!

Ditch the cards
And candy too,
Here's my Valentine
Hint to you...

It's vastly more fun
Just you and me,
Home with popcorn
And a DVD!

Anonymous said...

waah waah memsaab, sona pa suhaga... So this is for Drift sahab: "What do you get when 2 writers meet on "well-in-time"???

Dance India Dance 2 Fan said...

Wating for your review on 3 Idiots and Mr. Forest Gump Meets The Raain Maker Plus ! On your Blog

Vin said...

If you just go see MNIK that would have been gift enough. Whew! Sitting through THAT movie....