A number of nutty awards were given as usual - although they get less nuttier as the years go by. (Filmfare, I'm miffed by this. If you guys are going to get classy at least don't broadcast at the same time as the Oscars in the US.) Zoya Akhtar won a best debut award for her direction in Luck By Chance. Then Ayan Mukerjee won the same award for his direction in Wake Up Sid. Because this was an award for best debut, Filmfare split it between men and women. But because two directors won - in a year in which a woman won Best Director at the Oscars - it implied that the degree of difficulty for directing a film was different between genders. Wah, loopiness randomly happens when you embrace the premise whole-heartedly.
So as always (which means whenever I feel like it) I decided to give out Drift Awards of my own. Here they are.
The Best Paan Beedi Speech
Let's start with music, shall we? You all know what a Paan Beedi song in a movie is, right? Its the song where the men sense an opportunity to run out for Paan or Beedi. They come back, masculinely refreshed, and can get back in the flow of things without worrying about missing any continuity. This year the legendary musical composer Khayyam won some award - lifetime achievement or something. I can't remember and its not important (we all love Khayyam, award or no award).
Asha Bhonsle came on stage to give the award and made a speech about how cool Khayyam was because he made Asha Bhonsle into a ghazal queen. Then Ashaji remembered that this whole thing was about giving an award to Khayyam and not herself. So she executed that duty promptly.
Then Khayyam launched into a tremendously boring speech about the good old days and his first tankhwaa and suchlike. I saw Asha dozing off for a bit before recovering and snapping her eyes wide. But just when men might have entertained thoughts of bolting out for dhumrpaan, something awesome happened. Khayyam started talking about his work on Umrao Jaan and just like that - out of nowhere - he started hitting on Rekha! He praised her beauty to the skies in shaayari like prose. Stunned by this reversal of roles, Rekha buried her face in her hands and tears streamed down her cheeks. Ashaji - owner of just as resplendent a career as Rekha's but now being publicly ignored - gave everyone the blood curdling hooded eye look.
This went on until (one of many) host Karan Johar showed the presence of mind to grab Khayyam and haul him off the stage. Hilarity!
The Best Audience Award
At the awards, Kajol laughed at just about everything. She laughed loud, enthusiastically, with upwardly knit eyebrows. She made hand movements to indicate her level of entertainment. She lurched sideways with laughter. She threw her head back. She grabbed her neighbors excitedly. That was in the first 10 minutes. The show got funnier for Kajol - although I couldn't tell just by watching it.
The Best Audience Award - Runner Up
Then things kind of take a slightly different route. You act in clunker after clunker. You start looking old. You're still called Chunky - only its not that cute anymore, almost kind of sad. Shahrukh Khan makes a joke on national TV about how all women run away from you. You laugh. You keep laughing. After a while you clearly look strained. But hey, its a job!
The Sexiest Aunty Award
Staving off the killer competition, Vidya Balan won the award for the third time in a row. She did this by making a chotee look older fashioned than it is, wearing ginormous sadhu-sant beads and donning so many colors that the color spectrum didn't have anything on her.
The Parmeshwar Godrej Award
here.) 2008's recipient Gauri Khan looked terrific this year and avoided the trauma of receiving this award. This left Rekha holding the bag. Rekha you are the new Parmeshwar Godrej. Kuchh Karo!
Honorary South Indian Award
While needling a bright and witty R Madhavan, Shahrukh Khan decided to play a game. "There are so many SOUTH INDIANS in the audience tonight" he said, calling out a few names. "I'd like to learn TAMIL!" Such a willingness to embrace and welcome everyone from the SOUTH - even those born and raised in Mumbai like Madhavan. All the NORTH INDIANS in the house say "BALLE BALLE!" like you should.
The Best Dancer in Gym Shoes Award
The Anu Malik Shayari Award
Kavita Seth shared a vocals statuette with Rekha Bhardwaj for the Amit Trivedi composed Iktara (Wake Up Sid). She launched into an Anu Malik style ready to wear sher that sounded great but amounted to little (for unclassy people like me anyway).
The Get Me Out of Here Award
The Bad Hair Duo Award
The Track Suit Award
Fast becoming Bollywood's buzzed property, Prateik Babbar showed up wearing a suit that had Track & Field written all over it. Really, it was dazzling to watch. If you want to make a fashion statement, this is absolutely the correct way to do it.
The Super Enthu Award
The F**k You Chetan Bhagat Award
how the film's story was based on his book Five Point Someone. The story of the film was credited to Abhijat Joshi and Raj Kumar Hirani. Both won the Best Story award at the show - further adding insult to injury for poor Bhagat.
The Sound of Logic Award
When first time director Nandita Das won for her film Firaaq, she had this to say: "You never get an award for your first film because you only make your first film once!"
I'll leave you with that profound thought.