Friday, March 26, 2010

Interpreting the EPIC tweets of Shahid Kapoor

Bollywood celebrities now tweet in droves.

But among the sometimes cool, sometimes mediocre, sometimes nutty celeb masses, there is a genuis: Shahid Kapoor. Shahid is engaging and endearing on twitter. He shares his life without concern and really tries to connect with fans.

A few months ago, he emitted what is possibly the greatest tweet in the history of Bollywood tweeting. He said. "Nini not coming man...". For some reason, I find that funny, super-cool, profound and touching. It will be the name of any new personal blog I start.

But often Shahid's tweets get heavy and dense. Here I'd like to step in and reinterpret them for you. Hopefully it will motivate you to follow one of Bollywood's brightest twitteratis.

Tweet: whats up people up for some q n a go for it
Translation: Ask me questions I'm bored

Tweet: mornin all bak on set today after a while shootin a video for badmaash should b fun then a photoshoot for peta
Translation: I'm busy working

Tweet: woke all long day tom sleep tight shabbakhair
Translation: I'm awake but I clearly have a hangover

Translation: I'm hopeless in Bollywood

Tweet: live the life u wanna live people n statr nw jus make sure ur not convenient with people be straight up tats wat i mean whenever i say
Translation: Sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble

Tweet: i question everythin i do all the time kinda like did i do the right thig or not dnt know if tats gud or not
Translation: I'm a self-doubter

Tweet: when u share ur life with others life begins to find its meaning n the time u touch the life of another is the time u truly start living
Translation: I just read a self-help book

Tweet: children really r the purest souls n the happiest ones too let them enjoy their childhood too much pressure on em to perform
Translation: I'm trying to snag some chicks with cuteness and promoting my upcoming film which has kids in it

Tweet: bak home tired n drained butr content
Translation: I work hard for my money

Tweet: wassup pple longest day 5 radio stations 8 hrs of talkin from andheri to parel happy to b talkin bout paahshala children education relevent
Translation: Massive press junket time

Tweet: woke people sleep tight shabbakhair
Translation: Good night

Tweet: i really feel the strongest form of love is surrender although we all know most things r out of our control we still like to believe that
Translation: I read another self-help book

Tweet: also its amazin hw some past memories have such strong associations things we forgot seem to become alive again
Translation: I'm missing you know who

Tweet: amazing hw sometimes feelings r so strong u feel almost controlled by em had a day like that sometimes answers to things r jus not there asmuch as u may search
Translation: My head hurts from thinking

Tweet: Is of no use pourin clean water in a dirty vessel so pour luv on those who r capable of acceptin it unadulterated :)
Translation: I had to clean the dishes today. I'd much rather read a self-help book

Tweet: Most just care when it suits em they say luv is da only thing which the more u give the more it grows but there is also this sayin that it
Translation: My girlfriends all suck!

Tweet: Eventually as far as the basics r met life is gud n keepin it simple is jus the way to b do wat makes u happy wat makes u smile n jus dnt Thin bout the bad stuff .. Jus deal with it .. I luv this sayin 'let ur worries die of neglect'
Translation: Talking is for nitwits. Just ignore the pain.

Tweet: most of the time v r jus lukin to do somethin to keep ourselves occupied so we dnt start thinkin bout life n all that we feel bout wher we r N u realize actually we give too much imp to so many things cause basically we have nuthin better to do .. :)
Translation: I'm looking for work. Anyone?

Get with the cool and follow Shahid on twitter

Friday, March 19, 2010

Love Sex Aur Dhoka: The greatest hits of Katrina Kaif

Sometimes fake can be better than real. Most of the time, actually, when it comes to Bollywood. Now I know fake Facebook profiles might seem annoying to many, but with a little imagination you can make it into fun time pass!

Katrina Kaif has a fake FB fan page. She actually shows up and writes something every now and then and sounds suspiciously not like Kat. She also gets occasional posts from other female celebs that sound suspiciously not like themselves either!

But that doesn't stop hordes of hopefuls from coming and maroing a line (or three).

Here are the best of Katrina's (often suspicious) fans.

is it u katrina tell me whats ur sisters name and when is she coming in bollywood

Couple off days ?? Don´t be lazy, girl. You need a P.A. personal assistant...... where can I send my resume... holla

Aishwarya RaiBachchan: Hope you feel better kat

this really looks like a fake profile..why don't you have any super star added in your friend's list?:O

hello didi!!!!!!!
what's up ????????????

hey katrina uplaod sum other pics in which u luk very cute

how is ur hindi if good teel me what u speak railway station in hindi?

plz baji change ur profile pic n put it any pic in which u r wearing a hair band plllllllllllllzzzzzzzzzzz u look soooooo sweeeeeeet plzzzzzzzzzzzz

do u have a new movie with hritik roshan some like harper's bazaar

thank you for friendship me. i loved you in khabi khushi khabhi ghum.

Hi katrina .... (if it iz really u ) ♥ ♥ ..
but y is it dat yor yahoo mail id listed here shows d profile 2 b created by a man from maryland ????????? plz clarify dis fact ..

hi didi............m callin u didi coz u r elder than me.........:-)

I is gay. Fix me.

Gay dude, best of luck and don't get your hopes up. Now Fake FB Katrina seems to have a fake Katrina twitter account which she keeps insisting is hers. Here are some of her choicest tweets. Clearly Fake Kat is a serious intellect at work.

People are pretty much alike. It's only that our differences are more susceptible to definition than our

Women have served all these centuries as looking glasses possessing the magic n

delicious power of reflecting the figure of a man at twice its natural size.Happy Women’s Day

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other

Hey how funny would it be if this was the REAL Katrina Kaif?!

Friday, March 12, 2010

The 55th Filmfare 2010 Drift Awards

The 2010 Filmfare Awards - held, televised, broadcast later, recorded and viewed even later - are India's premier awards show. They are like India's Oscars. They attract the top stars in Bollywood. They are watched by millions. They are decidedly underwhelming and loopy.

A number of nutty awards were given as usual - although they get less nuttier as the years go by. (Filmfare, I'm miffed by this. If you guys are going to get classy at least don't broadcast at the same time as the Oscars in the US.) Zoya Akhtar won a best debut award for her direction in Luck By Chance. Then Ayan Mukerjee won the same award for his direction in Wake Up Sid. Because this was an award for best debut, Filmfare split it between men and women. But because two directors won - in a year in which a woman won Best Director at the Oscars - it implied that the degree of difficulty for directing a film was different between genders. Wah, loopiness randomly happens when you embrace the premise whole-heartedly.

So as always (which means whenever I feel like it) I decided to give out Drift Awards of my own. Here they are.

The Best Paan Beedi Speech

Let's start with music, shall we? You all know what a Paan Beedi song in a movie is, right? Its the song where the men sense an opportunity to run out for Paan or Beedi. They come back, masculinely refreshed, and can get back in the flow of things without worrying about missing any continuity. This year the legendary musical composer Khayyam won some award - lifetime achievement or something. I can't remember and its not important (we all love Khayyam, award or no award).

Asha Bhonsle came on stage to give the award and made a speech about how cool Khayyam was because he made Asha Bhonsle into a ghazal queen. Then Ashaji remembered that this whole thing was about giving an award to Khayyam and not herself. So she executed that duty promptly.

Then Khayyam launched into a tremendously boring speech about the good old days and his first tankhwaa and suchlike. I saw Asha dozing off for a bit before recovering and snapping her eyes wide. But just when men might have entertained thoughts of bolting out for dhumrpaan, something awesome happened. Khayyam started talking about his work on Umrao Jaan and just like that - out of nowhere - he started hitting on Rekha! He praised her beauty to the skies in shaayari like prose. Stunned by this reversal of roles, Rekha buried her face in her hands and tears streamed down her cheeks. Ashaji - owner of just as resplendent a career as Rekha's but now being publicly ignored - gave everyone the blood curdling hooded eye look.

This went on until (one of many) host Karan Johar showed the presence of mind to grab Khayyam and haul him off the stage. Hilarity!

The Best Audience Award

The best audience award goes to Kajol. Why? Well if Kajol were to read this one line she'd burst out laughing.

At the awards, Kajol laughed at just about everything. She laughed loud, enthusiastically, with upwardly knit eyebrows. She made hand movements to indicate her level of entertainment. She lurched sideways with laughter. She threw her head back. She grabbed her neighbors excitedly. That was in the first 10 minutes. The show got funnier for Kajol - although I couldn't tell just by watching it.

The Best Audience Award - Runner Up

A long time ago, you act in a really cool movie (for its time). Your name is Chunky - that's kind of cute. The movie becomes a hit. The only way is up! You start looking for lead roles.

Then things kind of take a slightly different route. You act in clunker after clunker. You start looking old. You're still called Chunky - only its not that cute anymore, almost kind of sad. Shahrukh Khan makes a joke on national TV about how all women run away from you. You laugh. You keep laughing. After a while you clearly look strained. But hey, its a job!

The Sexiest Aunty Award

This year the competition was tough. There was Kajol, Tabu and hot favorite Vidya Balan. To get this award its not important to just wear a saree or some Ye Olde Latka-Matka Outfit. After all, Katrina, Kareena and Rekha Bhardwaj (who won vocals for Genda Phool) all came in sarees - and looked hip. No, to win this prestigious award, you have to project a unique fuddy-duddy vibe while still looking gorgeous.

Staving off the killer competition, Vidya Balan won the award for the third time in a row. She did this by making a chotee look older fashioned than it is, wearing ginormous sadhu-sant beads and donning so many colors that the color spectrum didn't have anything on her.

The Parmeshwar Godrej Award

This award is given to the fashion priestess of the show - which is a polite way of saying 'you aren't hot but you do spend a lot of money on fashion so we need to keep you buying'. (You can read more about the award and the wonderful thought behind it here.) 2008's recipient Gauri Khan looked terrific this year and avoided the trauma of receiving this award. This left Rekha holding the bag. Rekha you are the new Parmeshwar Godrej. Kuchh Karo!

Honorary South Indian Award

While needling a bright and witty R Madhavan, Shahrukh Khan decided to play a game. "There are so many SOUTH INDIANS in the audience tonight" he said, calling out a few names. "I'd like to learn TAMIL!" Such a willingness to embrace and welcome everyone from the SOUTH - even those born and raised in Mumbai like Madhavan. All the NORTH INDIANS in the house say "BALLE BALLE!" like you should.

The Best Dancer in Gym Shoes Award

You know how the dances go in these shows - everyone poses more than they dance. Because they are wearing some outfit that - given too much shaking - might result in some wardrobe malfunction. Don't dance if you are so done, I say! Fortunately Riteish Deshmukh was at hand. Wearing some brilliant white and pink Nukkad Romeo outfit, the man danced his heart out.

The Anu Malik Shayari Award

Kavita Seth shared a vocals statuette with Rekha Bhardwaj for the Amit Trivedi composed Iktara (Wake Up Sid). She launched into an Anu Malik style ready to wear sher that sounded great but amounted to little (for unclassy people like me anyway).

The Get Me Out of Here Award

AR Rahman sat through the entire ceremony with one expression on his face - Freakin' Bored! When he won for his terrific album Delhi-6, he tried to grab the statuette and run away. He was called back by SRK and given a mike to speak into. He said some rote stuff and reminded everyone that this was his 25th Filmfare award. Even the shy ones feel the need to be hailed don't they? Then ARR went back to being bored.

The Bad Hair Duo Award

Anu Malik lives through bad hair days every day. Through some tremendous stroke of luck (for me), he got paired with Sherlyn Chopra who had constructed a flip out of her hair so huge you could land a plane on it. This kept flipping up and down whenever she shook her head. At one point while opening the envelope, I thought Anu might rest his mike on it. (No, really this isn't out of the realm of possibility).

The Track Suit Award

Fast becoming Bollywood's buzzed property, Prateik Babbar showed up wearing a suit that had Track & Field written all over it. Really, it was dazzling to watch. If you want to make a fashion statement, this is absolutely the correct way to do it.

The Super Enthu Award

Amit Trivedi won for his ground breaking song compositions on Dev D, came out looking dapper in a suit and looked really excited. For a moment he made me forget just what a circus this show was. Well done, my gujju brother!

The F**k You Chetan Bhagat Award

All through the release of the blockbuster 3 Idiots, controversy about the origin of the story idea behind the movie dogged the film. Chetan Bhagat, originally involved with the film before falling out with its makers, went public about how the film's story was based on his book Five Point Someone. The story of the film was credited to Abhijat Joshi and Raj Kumar Hirani. Both won the Best Story award at the show - further adding insult to injury for poor Bhagat.

The Sound of Logic Award

When first time director Nandita Das won for her film Firaaq, she had this to say: "You never get an award for your first film because you only make your first film once!"

I'll leave you with that profound thought.


Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Music Ka Maha Muqqabla: Eksun, Dramaa, Explosuns!

Last week Music Ka Maha Muqqabala found itself on the precipice of an all-time great moment in televised reality history. How did this happen? Let's rewind (imagine this blog now in black and white slow motion)

Followers of this action packed show might know that Mika and Mohit Chauhan have been eliminated leaving the following semi-finalists: Shaan, Shankar Mahadevan, Himesh Reshammiya and Shreya Ghoshal. Their teams have some funky names but I can't remember them right now.

Shaan and Shankar had a battle this Sunday. Shanker opened up a huge lead in points.

For the duet round, Shankar sent in Rahul Vaidya and Neethi Mohan. Both sang the flirtatious "Abhi Na Jao". Midway through the song, Neethi forgot the lyrics. Desperately she looked at her hand for clues, thus suggesting how she might be getting through her board exams. Nope, nothing written there. Fortunately for her Rahul showed tremendous presence of mind and rescued her with part nok-jhok, part cover up.

When the time came to hand them points Shankar made an impassioned case for his players. "This is a show!"  he said "And how well they took care of that mistake and rescued it from disaster!" He asked for points for Rahul's chaturai. This seemed reasonable enough. All the judges agreed with Shankar. This left opposing team captain Shaan seething with anger.

Sensing Shaan's discomfort, Himesh skilfully maroed chaabi till Shaan cleared his tipping point. (Precisely why I love the Himesh so much.) Shaan took the bait and jumped up and down about how this entire situation was unreasonable. If singers forgot the lyrics, he argued, they shouldn't be getting good points. "I'm on the side of RIGHT" he thundered. "SOMEONE ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!"

Mika - India's own version of Snoop Dogg - arose, sending shivers through my spine. He argued for the contestants. Shaan jumped out with mike in hand and asked Mika if he had left his brains at home! Both rushed towards each other. Shaan shoulder thumped Mika. Wah! Music ka maha smackdown!

Shaan then jumped into the audience "WHOSE JOB IS IT TO REMEMBER THE LYRICS?" he implored "THE SINGERS OR THE AUDIENCE?" Several members of the audience muttered into the mike that Shaan shoved into their faces.

Not to be outdone, Mika rounded up a Feeble Looking Senior (FLS) from the audience. "LISTEN TO HIM!" Mika commanded. And Mika said and so it was. Everyone listened. Unfortunately the FLS said something passionate but entirely incomprehensible, weakening Mika's case a bit. Mika sighed and sat down.

Shaan took off his jacket and thumped it on the floor. Then he stormed off the stage. Poor Neethi was in tears. Rahul Vaidya for some reason started taking everything personally. "Chup ho ja beta!" Himesh advised him.

Later Shaan argued this point again peripherally implying that Himesh was being dishonest with music. This pushed Himesh past his tipping point. The House of Reshammiya grabbed the mike and cut the air with TWO fingers instead of the usual one - conveying that he was twice as upset as he usually is (which is every time he is losing an argument). When he finished he had cut the air around him into ribbons. Hilarity all around!

Now it was the turn of Shaan's team to sing a duet. Shaan sent in Debojit and Anvesha. At this point, I felt, MkMM was one step away from engineering an all-time great moment. What if, I asked myself, Anvesha were to forget the lyrics? Nothing personal against Anvesha but this would have been pretty darn funny! Would Shaan have hid under the chair? Would Mika have laughed his head off? I crossed my fingers and said prayer after prayer. But hells bells, that girl didn't forget a word. Not one. Not once did she even hesitate. Man, what a Debbie Downer!

All through this Shankar had been maintaining decorum. Clearly all this drama turned him off. His mood darkened. Mohit and Mika chatoed him rather cutely. He barely cracked a smile. He finally won the muqabala on points and ended up saying he wanted everyone to go home happy. He said this with such a lack of conviction that I felt sad for him and happy for what more is to come on the show.

Somewhere Ekta Kapoor must have furiously taken notes and wondered why her writers can't deliver such awesome naatak in her own shows.