Saturday, December 08, 2007

The One Minute Therapist

Dear Drifters,

My overflowing Inbox must be a sign of the mental health crisis in Bollywood. Being the egalitarian analyzer that I am, I decided to divide up my therapy hour into slices. Each celeb crisis gets 60 seconds of my time...

As the Bard say: "Brevity is the soul of sanity."

I give you below my "Blink" responses to these beautiful people.

A(bsolutely) B(efuddled) said...
Dear Mind Rush,

I am a moderately successful Bollywood actor who is married to an actress much more famous than me. My mother is a beloved actress from yesteryear. To make things worse, my Dad is a Bollywood legend. Whenever I'm at a press junket, I get asked more questions about both of these than my own work.

I try to put on a brave composed face. But its hard to be calm when a pesky reporter says "You are promoting a movie?! Let's instead talk about those pissed friends who didn't get a wedding invite from you".

No matter how hard I work, I am overshadowed. Besides I'm not terribly hunky like that Ritwik, my dancing is a cross between Asrani and Yunus Parvez and I have bad taste in hair accessories. Help!

A(bsolutely) B(efuddled)

Dear AB,

Don't be a baby!
Tumhare paas bungla hai, daulat hai, car hai, biwi hai. Tumhare paas Maa bhi hai.

"Aish" karo!

-Mind Rush

S(hamed and) K(onfused) said...
Dear Mind Rush,

I am a terrifically personable actor with a short body and a big head. I used to date a hugely famous actress who was skittish but very loving.

Unfortunately Mummy didn't like her and my woman threw a fit and up and went - straight into the arms of a known casanova who has lately been hitting on anything in a skirt that moves.

This breaks me up inside. Especially now that our last movie about how we met has been acclaimed by everyone as a super love story.

How do I get over her when her face is splashed on hoardings around town and all my best songs remind me of her?

Dear S.K.,

Love is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get truffles sometimes you get nuts. Go get yourself some assorted "Go-diva" chocolates.
And one more thing! Love your mom, but leave her out of your bedroom.

-Mind Rush

S(vengali) K(icked out) said...
I have the original hot bod which I've made a career of showing off in my many films. While my 6 pack abs have enduring appeal, I haven't been quite as lucky with my lady loves – they seem to flee my arms with alarming regularity!

I've only recently got over the humiliating defection of the most beautiful face in the world with the help of a promising PYT whose career I helped nurture.

Now that my K(aptivating) K(atch) has tasted success, she too is throwing me over like an old shoe on the flimsy pretext that I'm too controlling, possessive and interfering.

Please help ---- I'm running out of chances to snare THE ONE!.

Dear SK,

Dude! In therapy jargon, you have what most professionals call "serious problems". Instead of looking for an LTR (long term relationship) you need to be looking for LTP (long term psychoanalysis.)

Please call me at 1-(800) MIND RUSH for an appointment ASAP.

-Mind Rush

S[eriously] R[estless] said...
Dear Mindrush,

I am a musician and unfortunately i am better looking than most people in my profession.

The problem I am facing is that I have too many females gaga over me.Not that I dont like it, but now today being my birthday, I cant even breathe peacefully.I am online the whole day doing absolutely nothing except checking my orkut scrap book which is being bombarded by crazy fans.

Please help!

S[eriously] R[estless]

Dear SRji,

Aap ne hamko bhi "restless" kar diya hai. I will see you in my clinic for free.

Autograph, please?

-Mind Rush

Disclaimer: Please don't mistake this for medical advice


Anonymous said...

Dear Mindrush,
Your advice has driven me to the edge of sanity!You were my last hope when it came to those crazy fans.
I will nevertheless pay you a visit and give you my autographed copy of my first album "First Love".
Oh, how I miss those days!
Btw, I have another problem.I tell you, now there two categories of fans.The crazy ones and the chaloo ones.
The former are easy to handle.
I simply ignore them, but the latter are actually getting on my nerves and poking fun at me.
They have made me look like a complete ass when it comes to my married life.
Thanks to them, my image has turned from lovable to punchable.
Hoon shu karoo???
Please help!!!

S[eriously] R[estless]

Anonymous said...

Dear Seriously Restless,
I feel your pain!
But, punchable? Your image! No!!
Enjoy the crazy fans, ignore the chaloo ones.
Oh! And pamper your sposue daily so she knows that she's the One and Only.

--You can mail the DVD for me c/o Driftji. I'll arrange a pick up.

Anonymous said...

Mind Rush, fantastic! Clearly quantity is not affecting quality in your output - no wonder the troubled stars are flocking to you :)

'go-diva' and 'tumhaare paas ma bhi hai' - inspired stuff :). Waiting for more fm the Love chakkar.

Anonymous said...

absoultuly mind blowing! Your 1 minute mindrushes should take care of the Bollywood insecurities.I loved the advice for AB baby!

Anonymous said...

LOL.......I feel Unsaif....LMAO!!
Excellent work Mindrush!Can we ask for advice too, or is it exclusively for the 'stars'??

Beth Loves Bollywood said...

You forgot to mention in your advice to AB that a fling with someone completely outside the film industry, possibly on a different continent, even, will be the perfect ego-feed. I am available for private counseling in this matter.

Unknown said...

SkD, everyone is a star, yaar. So you can ask for personal advice - but at that point I'll ask Mind Rush to take it seriously. After all - our chuckling is reserved only for people who come out to entertain us on TV and films.

Beth, I salute your range: you love clean shaven dimply muffins like Shashi and then stubbly, tousled hair, tortured types like AB.

mimi said...

LOL @ Beth's offer above. Though I may have to echo it, for poor sweet Shamed n Konfused myself. Dear boy, you're better off without that bratty old horse-face y'know.

Mind rush, you need your own primetime tv slot, complete with a splendiferous chaise-longue for your patients. Move over Karan and Simi!

mimi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Tsk, tsk!! Beth!

Affairs only happen in Bollywood films.

In real life the stars are devoted husbands, wives, daughters and sons. They save themselves for marriage. At best they are just "good friends" with the opposite sex (or same sex, as the case may be.) These media reports have you fooled.

Anonymous said...

Headmistress, please call Karan Johar. I will consider having coffee with him tho' my calendar is full (due to the Bollywood mental health crisis and all that...)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mindrush,
I am a girl.I really like this musician dude, who i hound with my insulting comments and profanities.I really dont know why i am doing this.I have no control over this.please's taking control of my life.

....u know who!

ppl said...

HR needs your help.

He is overwhelmed with his myriad responsibilities as singer/composter/actor/saas-bahu reality show judge. He has also just been nominated for Sabse Favorite Kaun Naya Hero, so the pressure is on. Expectations are high and he fears some backlash owing to a recent obnoxious stint on aforementioned reality show.

He hopes the beanie is a step in the right direction.

Anonymous said...

Mind rush, Rofl,nice to see u back on the love chakker. I loved reading the advice (as much as the problem itself:))but the Ab advice was the best.Move over Salim-Javed!We have a new dialogue-writer here!

Unknown said...

leera, darn it! The road show for that show is coming to my neighborhood in Vadodara and I'm going to be a week too late to see it. Sigh!

ppl said...

Aah I have a long relationship with gujarat. I spent 5-12 grade in Surat and my parents still have a house there.

Those were the good old days. In fact I have been known to hoard a ridiculous amount of farsan everytime I come home. My recent discovery - frozen theplas right here in austin, made my day. Also very good with beer!

Anonymous said...

You guys have got me interested in theplas. What is it and how do you eat it?

The only gujarati food I know (and love) is dhoklas. Some of Madhur Jaffrey's recipes are gujariti but not sure how authentic they are.

Anonymous said...

A new pic of Bal Himesh

Anonymous said...

LMAO Mind Rush!! Love your Advices. AB advice was hillarious! "Aish" Karo!! LOL!! Thank god these celebrities have someone responsible and advisable to turn to, FINALLY!! Keep up the fantastic advice...although dont give good advice to eveyone or you may run out of messed-up celebrities...isnt that an oxy-moron!

Unknown said...

Joules, think of theplas as parathas only they don't break when you lift them up :) I'm a card carring member of the Thepla Over Paratha coalition.

You essentially mix some flour with besan and throw in green dhania and methi and then make it like a paratha. Here is a recipe.

You eat them like parathas - with dahi, etc. But they taste great on their own and are extremely portable.

Plus saying they-plaa is much more fun than saying parrouta.

Anonymous said...

Aspi, you're right, they are extremely portable! You can take it with you to places which requires a drive longer than 10 mins with some athanu (pickle)...Guju-style!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Aspi. I may become a thepla convert now.

Mind Rush, great advice. How come all your advice went towards Bollywood males. I am sure the actresses are as insecure.

Anonymous said...

Try Ashoka Brand Theplas for more convenience...because they r whole wheat...they are tasty....@^%^@%.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ms. Juhi Thepla,
I sense problems cooking in your life. You need to write to Mind Rush for advice...

ppl said...

Superb yaar so much thepla info. especially the recipe aspi (though I am horrible in the kneading dept)

Unknown said...

leera, you are half gujju and you like theplas. My respect for you is now through the roof.

I'm great at kneading. If you can roll theplas - we'll can start a business.

ppl said...

I am sure i'll manage theplas don't need to be perfect circles!

I wonder if there is a thepla maker out there? Probably not after the dabacle of the roti maker (remember the infomercials). That was a huge flop at our house most of rotis came out quite unlike the fluffy phulkas in the ads. They made great khakdas though.

Unknown said...

leera, you're cracking me up. I remember that terrible yantra - my friend used to run a store and had that as his bestselling item for several years.

All it was good for was flattening the dough before you started belofying it.