Monday, March 02, 2009

F*** My Life by guest blogger Sullen Khan

Hello, hello, hello! I am Sullen Khan, Bollywood macho he-man superstar. I am the son of the famous writer Sell'em Khan . My brothers are Bollywood actors: surely you've heard of Afarce and Travail, although they only seem funny when they are together. That happened once. And yes, I'll admit it - I have anger management issues.

I have a girlfriend who is the hottest chick in Indian films today - roop ki rani Ballerina Waif, or as I call her pyaar se - Ball. But I still get bent out of shape whenever my ex gets mentioned.

Why just the other day Sawan Kumar Takla stopped by. I asked him: "How are you Takla Sir?"

He said: "Bas, Aish hai!"

I beat him up black and blue. I was so mad that he took my exe's name that I even forgot to take off my shirt before commencing the pitaai.

This is how it is with me. I am extremely passionate. People say I'm a dunderhead. Actually I am an intense person with many interests. For example, I am quite good at painting. Asian Paints is my favorite. Did you know that I love watching Hollywood classics? Ok, I'll admit I only watch the steamier ones - but still I watch the classics. Just the other day I saw the famous movie Shaving Ryan's Privates. Woo hoo, it was hot!

Its just that I'm so intelligent that I'm often misunderstood.

Let's start with my relationship with Ball. Its such a good one, I've decided to stick with it. But Ball refuses to understand me. Just the other day, she walked into the study - or as I like to call it: the daroo ka adda.

I knew from her expression she was in the mood to "talk".

"Sullen" she said "We need to talk!" What did I tell you?

I replied: "What do you call a ball that surprises you every time? ...Fast ball!"

Ball didn't even crack a smile. "I love you Sullen" she said "But we can't go on like this!"

Again, I tried: "What do you call a ball that looks like Sullen's girl? ...Adoraball!"

Ball rolled her eyes: "Sullen! You have got to stop being a joker all the time! When will you get serious about us!!"

My last attempt was a little loud: "What do you call a ball WHO won't let HER MAN be HIMSELF? ...BALL AND CHAIN!"

Ball stormed out of the room.

You see? Even my mashooka doesn't get me.

A few months ago that tool Starlook got into a huge fight with me. This was on Ball's birthday. Sure I was a little sloshed (it was after 4pm for God's sake) and I was saying something bhulla bura about Starlook's flop TV show. But still he shouldn't have mentioned my ex. I lost it - I had to defend HER honor. Yet what did people say? Sullen is behaving badly again.

Thankfully there are some bright spots in my life: my television show Bas Khatam was a huge hit! Why Webster India has announced that they will enter my pronunciation of the word "prashna" in the dictionary as a completely new word. I'm making waves even in academia!

Then Baal Tackyhai praised me for a being a model Indian Muslim.

Now yes, some of my films flopped. Particularly that God Tussi Fake Ho. But why are people blaming ME for it? Let me ask you this: who played the title character in the film? Abitter Bachchan, no? Then why blame me for it?? The film flopped because of his thanda performance. You could blame the copied plot, the bad script, the unfunny jokes. But did that stop Partner from minting money? No! So the problem has to be Abitter.

Then there was that Flopraaj disaster. This one also I'm not to blame for. I mean, this was a Rehash Ghai movie that I had to do because Ball wanted to work with the man. Paagal ladki. We all know Rehash hasn't had a hit since Defect Oberoi got laid by a decent chick.

Chal chhod yaar, kya farak painda hai? Dogs will bark and the lion will yawn. But when the lion roars all the monkeys will run for cover. Did I mention I also write jhakaas dialogs.

No? Well yes I do.

Stick around, I'm full of surprises.

Idea for title from the fascinatingly addictive


Pitu said...

Oh. My. God! Aspi, you are EVIL! Hahahahhahaaahaaaa!!! Awesome, dude! :-D

Anonymous said...

effin hilarious!!!!!! but a typo..i believe the classic movie is called "shaving ryan's privates"..

Joules said...

Ha ha funny. Awesome!

I have the Filmfare red carpet analysis at my site.

musical said...

:-D :-D :-D.

That was wicked ;).

You have to post the "Celebrity Twitter conversation" now, plzzzzzzzzz :).

musical said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

m wow I had no idea - but I had heard about it. I shall correct the post.

Anonymous said...


That vivek Oberoi joke cuts deep. I still woe his downfall.

On another note,
anyone know what the song is that plays from 4:30-4:54

Anonymous said...

Dear Sullen :
Why no mention of Loud Mouth Himmy ?

Anonymous said...

Himesh is no longer in my inner circle. He used to show up at my parties, start singing and all the girls used to vanish. Ball used to love him for that. But mere ko yeh bilkul pasand nahi tha.

Anonymous said...

hahahahahaha - love you, Salm...I mean...Sullen! And the link to your show - it's been removed - you rock dude -

Anonymous said...

If you are a janaani and want to get in touch with Sullenbhai, I am his agent. Send me email.

For male fans, his agent is Shivraj Patil. Send him email he has lot of free time nowadays.

Heheheh. Kya, Nawaz I am good no?

Anonymous said...

when will you stop acting like a teenager at Mid Life age ?

Anonymous said...

Azif Z, who knew?


Anonymous said...

Asifbhai, you are brilliant. I am still amazed at how you played Condi and sent to her to Bangladesh. You remember that? Ha ha!

What will you do when Hillary calls? Too much, hahaha. I can't wait to see how you deal with her.

Anonymous said...

What are you talking about? Hillary is hot - I would welcome her with open arms. I will pay the photographers to insist I hug her.

Anonymous said...

Asifbhai, you must be really lonely. Hillary is a crocodile in a chiffon saree, like Dimple in Luck by Chance.

That reminds me - I need to watch some more pirated Bollywood DVDs - its really boring out here.

Anonymous said...

Aspi, waiting for your review of II4 finals. So what did you think of seeing all the old timers and how come Sandeep and Prashant dont get the same billing as Abhijeet Sawant.

Anonymous said...

Need a New Post Aspinder Ji !

Anonymous said...

this is hilarious, great work Aspi, I can always depend on you for a laugh

Unknown said...

Anon, sure thing. I've been a little tied up. But a slight change of pace just to keep things interesting when I get back.

Kanan said...

Aspi, that's so painfully funny... I feel for this man. :P He deserves better. *sigh*

Unknown said...

Hahahahahaah.. utterly butterly hilarious!!!! :D

Anonymous said...

im addicted to fml, but I came across a site called fwhyme . com and I think it's much better than fml. and also fwhyme is american. I rather support an american site. and they also don't start all their articles with "today" so u can post things that happened yesterday