Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Shiney Ahuja Defense

Famous - particularly famously loopy - courtroom defenses get their own names.

Why just the other day I was watching Milk. The end credits mentioned that the lawyers of Dan White who shot San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk in 1978 put forth the theory that a bad diet of junk food had resulted in a mental imbalance in the accused. This subsequently came to be known as the Twinkie Defense.

Bollywood needs something silly and entertaining like this. And far be it from me to judge a man who still hasn't made it into court - but this whole Shiney Ahuja circus has me fascinated.

Not so much for the hoopla it is causing - charges of this nature should carry this kind of focus. But the way the press has been hounding the police and trying to get statements out of everyone. Why at one point someone even dragged Pooja Bedi in for a statement - because, you know, Pooja's sometime partner (Aditya Pancholi) had cheated on her with a maid in the past. I suspect Shiney's embattled wife was cornered into stating that rape isn't a gender issue.

While we wait for justice to bubble to the top (and I recognize justice is a subjective word by all means), a police statement about Shiney's breakdown and subsequent confession amused me no end.

Apparently after his admittance to the rape charge, Shiney was asked why he did it. He allegedly said (more or less) that he had no idea it would be such a big deal. Yes, you heard that right.

I would hereby like to name this technique The Shiney Ahuja Defense. Whenever you're in trouble, you basically say: "Crap. I had no idea I was doing something bad!"

It's extremely useful. Look at the all the ways The Shiney Ahuja Defense can be used.

"Yaar ok so I put my foot in my mouth repeatedly and insulted my leading lady. I had no idea it was such a big deal!"

"I lost my cool at my host and dumped a bunch of maa-behen gaalis on him, almost splitting up Bollywood and starting a cold war that could span a dynasty. Tau kya hua bay?!

"Its true I made out with Christian Ronaldo while I still had a boyfriend. Why is that such a big deal!?"

"Bhai, that director wouldn't make a movie with my hard earned smuggler's cash. So I had a supari taken out on him. What's the big deal!?"

"I made fun of my girlfriend and endlessly humiliated her on national TV. I had no idea that was a bad thing to do!"


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Good one!

memsaab said...

This whole thing bothers me so much. It's like he didn't even think of his maid as a human being, and sadly it doesn't even really surprise me.

But your post is funny :-) The WTF Defense. Perf!

meena said...

This can be the drift award for anyone using the Shiney Ahuja defense :)

Unknown said...

Hilarious! If we could find a way to put that in toilet paper, we'd rule Europe!

Amrita said...

a.k.a. Salman Khan's fallback option, I presume!

Frankly, for a while there I thought this must be some kind of extreme stunt - a hoax as he prepares for a role or seomthing and then everybody emerges with egg on their face. But it's quite real, huh?

On a sidenote: why are the comments turned off in your Anu Malik post? I was going to say "Bebo" sounds a great deal like some other song but I can't put my finger on it. Any clue?

Unknown said...

A number of conspiracy theories have emerged - one that I hear often is that Shiney messed up. Because he isn't exactly popular - someone paid off the cops to dig their heels in on this one.

Thanks for pointing out the comments deal Amrita. I don't know why but they are back on again. Must have checked off the wrong option when publishing.