The top desi reasons for divorce: Another Bollywood story

Boy, it seems a number of filmi people liked the idea of making a film on the world's biggest makkhichoos.

Sullen called and asked when the film would go on the floors. I told him I was the wrong person to contact. Defect Oberoi asked if he could be cast. I told him it was not in my hands. Mesmerya's secretary called and asked if I could find a role for Unabletoshake Bachchan. I politely declined. Himeshbhai called and told me he was upset I hadn't suggested his name in the cast. "Saala, feel this!" he yelled. Then he sang a song.

All of this has encouraged me to do more. I have one more idea based on the spiraling divorce rates in Gujarat.

Apparently Gujarat was in 6th place in the 2001 census when it came to couples' splitsville. And this number has been going up. The Baroda Bar Association (BBA) reported 485 divorces filed this year. Someone at the Times of India combed over the reasons cited in the filings and came up with a goldmine that would make a super movie.

Below I've reproduced the most popular reasons cited in courts in Vadodara for divorce (Times of India, 9/2/2008 - no online reference available)

1. Snores too much
2. Spends too much time talking/messaging on mobile
3. Never helps with household chores
4. Adds extra sugar in tea
5. Is not what I had expected from the matrimonial ad
6. Washes only own clothes
7. Has a lot of money but doesn't spend it on me
8. Didn't take me abroad as promised
9. Keeps eggs in fridge knowing that I am a vegetarian
10. Goes back to in-laws after every small argument
11. Doesn't talk to me properly
12. Too many mood swings
13. Comes home late, never takes me to the movies

If you ask me, none of these are good enough reasons to divorce anyone except for (4). But that's just me. Any student of pop psychology will tell you that these are merely triggers, the barood got loaded in the gun elsewhere.

But back to the movie: I think this could be a swell beheno maate chick flick with interwoven stories of say four relationships: one great marriage, one bad one, one mediocre one and a couple planning to tie the knot. You can figure out the rest: the movie explores reasons for divorce. The great marriage ends up on the rocks. The bad one ends up working well. The mediocre one ends up in divorce. This precipitates a crisis with the couple, but in the end they do get married and you can end the movie with a wedding - a sure fire way to wow female audiences. (Reference DVD here)

We'd need the equivalent of Jennifer Aniston - the finest Bollywood-style actress in Hollywood today - to anchor this flick. The Jennifer Aniston of India - albeit younger and lovelier - is Priyanka Chopra. We'd use Lara Dutta, Niharika Singh and Sapan Saran. There would be men in the movie too - but they're not so important.

Who could direct this? Well if What's Your Raashee does well, we should use Ashutosh Gowarikar. Yes, working with Priyanka Chopra would be a bit awkward after that unnecessary awards show opinionating, but if Raashee is a hit, that would be overlooked in a heartbeat. There is nothing like a hit to smooth over mildly ruffled feathers in Bollywood.

If Raashee bombs, then forget about Gowarikar and pick Tarun Mansukhani instead. After all you are only as good as your last hit in B-town. Hey, I don't make the rules around here.