Friday, March 12, 2010

The 55th Filmfare 2010 Drift Awards

The 2010 Filmfare Awards - held, televised, broadcast later, recorded and viewed even later - are India's premier awards show. They are like India's Oscars. They attract the top stars in Bollywood. They are watched by millions. They are decidedly underwhelming and loopy.

A number of nutty awards were given as usual - although they get less nuttier as the years go by. (Filmfare, I'm miffed by this. If you guys are going to get classy at least don't broadcast at the same time as the Oscars in the US.) Zoya Akhtar won a best debut award for her direction in Luck By Chance. Then Ayan Mukerjee won the same award for his direction in Wake Up Sid. Because this was an award for best debut, Filmfare split it between men and women. But because two directors won - in a year in which a woman won Best Director at the Oscars - it implied that the degree of difficulty for directing a film was different between genders. Wah, loopiness randomly happens when you embrace the premise whole-heartedly.

So as always (which means whenever I feel like it) I decided to give out Drift Awards of my own. Here they are.

The Best Paan Beedi Speech

Let's start with music, shall we? You all know what a Paan Beedi song in a movie is, right? Its the song where the men sense an opportunity to run out for Paan or Beedi. They come back, masculinely refreshed, and can get back in the flow of things without worrying about missing any continuity. This year the legendary musical composer Khayyam won some award - lifetime achievement or something. I can't remember and its not important (we all love Khayyam, award or no award).

Asha Bhonsle came on stage to give the award and made a speech about how cool Khayyam was because he made Asha Bhonsle into a ghazal queen. Then Ashaji remembered that this whole thing was about giving an award to Khayyam and not herself. So she executed that duty promptly.

Then Khayyam launched into a tremendously boring speech about the good old days and his first tankhwaa and suchlike. I saw Asha dozing off for a bit before recovering and snapping her eyes wide. But just when men might have entertained thoughts of bolting out for dhumrpaan, something awesome happened. Khayyam started talking about his work on Umrao Jaan and just like that - out of nowhere - he started hitting on Rekha! He praised her beauty to the skies in shaayari like prose. Stunned by this reversal of roles, Rekha buried her face in her hands and tears streamed down her cheeks. Ashaji - owner of just as resplendent a career as Rekha's but now being publicly ignored - gave everyone the blood curdling hooded eye look.

This went on until (one of many) host Karan Johar showed the presence of mind to grab Khayyam and haul him off the stage. Hilarity!

The Best Audience Award

The best audience award goes to Kajol. Why? Well if Kajol were to read this one line she'd burst out laughing.

At the awards, Kajol laughed at just about everything. She laughed loud, enthusiastically, with upwardly knit eyebrows. She made hand movements to indicate her level of entertainment. She lurched sideways with laughter. She threw her head back. She grabbed her neighbors excitedly. That was in the first 10 minutes. The show got funnier for Kajol - although I couldn't tell just by watching it.

The Best Audience Award - Runner Up

A long time ago, you act in a really cool movie (for its time). Your name is Chunky - that's kind of cute. The movie becomes a hit. The only way is up! You start looking for lead roles.

Then things kind of take a slightly different route. You act in clunker after clunker. You start looking old. You're still called Chunky - only its not that cute anymore, almost kind of sad. Shahrukh Khan makes a joke on national TV about how all women run away from you. You laugh. You keep laughing. After a while you clearly look strained. But hey, its a job!

The Sexiest Aunty Award

This year the competition was tough. There was Kajol, Tabu and hot favorite Vidya Balan. To get this award its not important to just wear a saree or some Ye Olde Latka-Matka Outfit. After all, Katrina, Kareena and Rekha Bhardwaj (who won vocals for Genda Phool) all came in sarees - and looked hip. No, to win this prestigious award, you have to project a unique fuddy-duddy vibe while still looking gorgeous.

Staving off the killer competition, Vidya Balan won the award for the third time in a row. She did this by making a chotee look older fashioned than it is, wearing ginormous sadhu-sant beads and donning so many colors that the color spectrum didn't have anything on her.

The Parmeshwar Godrej Award

This award is given to the fashion priestess of the show - which is a polite way of saying 'you aren't hot but you do spend a lot of money on fashion so we need to keep you buying'. (You can read more about the award and the wonderful thought behind it here.) 2008's recipient Gauri Khan looked terrific this year and avoided the trauma of receiving this award. This left Rekha holding the bag. Rekha you are the new Parmeshwar Godrej. Kuchh Karo!

Honorary South Indian Award

While needling a bright and witty R Madhavan, Shahrukh Khan decided to play a game. "There are so many SOUTH INDIANS in the audience tonight" he said, calling out a few names. "I'd like to learn TAMIL!" Such a willingness to embrace and welcome everyone from the SOUTH - even those born and raised in Mumbai like Madhavan. All the NORTH INDIANS in the house say "BALLE BALLE!" like you should.

The Best Dancer in Gym Shoes Award

You know how the dances go in these shows - everyone poses more than they dance. Because they are wearing some outfit that - given too much shaking - might result in some wardrobe malfunction. Don't dance if you are so done, I say! Fortunately Riteish Deshmukh was at hand. Wearing some brilliant white and pink Nukkad Romeo outfit, the man danced his heart out.

The Anu Malik Shayari Award

Kavita Seth shared a vocals statuette with Rekha Bhardwaj for the Amit Trivedi composed Iktara (Wake Up Sid). She launched into an Anu Malik style ready to wear sher that sounded great but amounted to little (for unclassy people like me anyway).

The Get Me Out of Here Award

AR Rahman sat through the entire ceremony with one expression on his face - Freakin' Bored! When he won for his terrific album Delhi-6, he tried to grab the statuette and run away. He was called back by SRK and given a mike to speak into. He said some rote stuff and reminded everyone that this was his 25th Filmfare award. Even the shy ones feel the need to be hailed don't they? Then ARR went back to being bored.

The Bad Hair Duo Award

Anu Malik lives through bad hair days every day. Through some tremendous stroke of luck (for me), he got paired with Sherlyn Chopra who had constructed a flip out of her hair so huge you could land a plane on it. This kept flipping up and down whenever she shook her head. At one point while opening the envelope, I thought Anu might rest his mike on it. (No, really this isn't out of the realm of possibility).

The Track Suit Award

Fast becoming Bollywood's buzzed property, Prateik Babbar showed up wearing a suit that had Track & Field written all over it. Really, it was dazzling to watch. If you want to make a fashion statement, this is absolutely the correct way to do it.

The Super Enthu Award

Amit Trivedi won for his ground breaking song compositions on Dev D, came out looking dapper in a suit and looked really excited. For a moment he made me forget just what a circus this show was. Well done, my gujju brother!

The F**k You Chetan Bhagat Award

All through the release of the blockbuster 3 Idiots, controversy about the origin of the story idea behind the movie dogged the film. Chetan Bhagat, originally involved with the film before falling out with its makers, went public about how the film's story was based on his book Five Point Someone. The story of the film was credited to Abhijat Joshi and Raj Kumar Hirani. Both won the Best Story award at the show - further adding insult to injury for poor Bhagat.

The Sound of Logic Award

When first time director Nandita Das won for her film Firaaq, she had this to say: "You never get an award for your first film because you only make your first film once!"

I'll leave you with that profound thought.



memsaab said...

Ah now you make me want to watch this. Although I am generally in Aamir Khan's court on the awards front, they are so silly and seem never to be based on anything like actual merit.

Deep said...

deep thoughts by nandita sen. did i just reveal my age?

Kanan said...

Aspi, you have an ability to generate entertainment from a completely boring thing. Wow! I haven't laughed this much in weeks... Vidya Balan looked nice, I thought.

WV: disco

Mind Rush said...

After a looong and difficult week I happened to click on Drift before turning off my computer. And Wham! The tidal waves of jokes just kept coming!! Before I knew it I was laughing hysterically! Sleep vanished. What tiredness?
I have not been so entertained all week. There are some things money can buy. And then there is Drift....And so...
On behalf of your regulars I hereby award Drift saab the "Entertainer of the Year" award! You more than earned it.

Mind Rush said...

p.s. If I remember correctly Chunky Pandey was called Funky Panty by Filmfare--in print.
And he still swallows that insult and shows up at these awards? (shaking my head in disbelief.)

bolly boy said...

Hilarious! LOL!!
I kinda agree with Mind Rush. Filmfare should have you write the jokes for Blah-Rukh Khan and Khote Nawab in 2011.
And what's with the dancing? The females were terrible. Shahid was hot!

Anonymous said...

something was wrong coz Aamir Khan was not even nominated. completely fake awards.

Unknown said...

memsaab and Anon, you could tell the tension between Filmfare and Aamir. They locked him out of the noms AND made fun of him in the show.

Deep, you're about my age then.

Kanan, Vidya looked pretty no doubt.

Mind Rush, thanks yaar. Chunky tolerates all insults! Wasn't he hilarious in Don 2?

bolly boy, great names!

Anonymous said...

ok, i second the Awards to Drift sir for Entertainer Of The Year.
Please write ur award accaeptance speech here :-))

Anonymous said...

Aspi I am older than you and I notice a bias in your writing towards older personalities like Khayyam sahib and previously Jagjit Singh. Care to comment?

Unknown said...

Anon, I will on an acceptance speech worthy of you. It will contain the requisite amount of "Oh! I wasn't expecting this and am just thinking this up".

Anon, you are right. I've seen that bias myself. Need to think younger. Great observation.

Anonymous said...

I found it absolutely hilarious when Mohit Chauhan went up to receive his award for best playback singer male and an ad came on the tv screen about a fairness cream..
Hilarious post as always Aspi ji!

Over Rated said...

This was hilarious, Aspi!

Also, I totally forgot that Chunky Pandey used to be in the movies! Maybe he was spoofing Mimoh twenty years too early?


Parmeshwar Godrej Ji
Respected Madam ,
Subject: Soliciting your co-operation in fulfilling our sacred mission of cleaning the Yamuna River.
aims to serve the nation in various ways. You must be aware of the pollution being caused due to the disposal of used flowers and other worship materials in our Holy River Yamuna , and carried by all the rivers of India. Our organization, YFF, has undertaken a project to clean the rivers of INDIA starting with The YAMUNA, which will be starting from Delhi .
This world is full of purities & impurities and we in the race of materialistic needs never get time to think about our motherland and environment. We are so busy that we never think about anything apart from our family and materialistic requirements. Do we know the truth of the flowers, which we dedicate to our Lord " The Creator of this world"?
Madam ,
If you find any truth in the above illustration, let us feel the strength of your conviction by your participation in this Spiritual Mission.
PUSHPANJALI PRAWAHA ‘The flow of devotional flowers’ the new method in the year 2010 in Delhi We have planned to install special Kalasha’s, which will be placed in public places for the immediate disposal of these flowers. These will be subsequently disposed by our volunteers at an appropriate place. This will help tremendously in the reduction of pollution in The YAMUNA. For this cause, our “PUSHPANJALI PRAWAHA PATRA” message will be passed door to door in Delhi. A copy of the message is enclosed.
These will subsequently be disposed by our volunteers at an appropriate place. This will help tremendously in the reduction of pollution in TheYamuna river.

We have devised a 3 Point Programme to help clean YAMUNA RIVER in DELHI.
A) To stop people from throwing the Ceremonial flowers / Poly bags etc in YAMUNA River.
B)All things being currently thrown in YAMUNA to be collected & a recycling process to be initiated.
C) To organize children currently engaged in coin collecting & rag picking and give them employment & education.

The gap of the Prawaha from where the flowers will be inserted is at an angle of 23 degrees, like a letter box which will allow only flexible items inside.
Since Delhi is preparing for 2010 Commonwealth Games, we also want to achieve the aforesaid goal in a very short time i.e in Seven months . If help to make Yamuna river pollution free of flowers and polybags is granted, we shall leave no stone unturned to complete the work within the stipulated time to the satisfaction of all concerned.
We hope that you will make your contribution for this noble cause.
With kind regards,

A humble citizen

Gopi Dutt
President ( YFF )
Jai Hind……Jai Hind……….Jai Hind

Anonymous said...

Gopi, you clearly inhabit an alternate reality. So please stay there!

Parmeswar said...

Gopicakes, sweetie, if you let me dress up the volunteers in some lovely designer outfits, you have a deal.

- parm god

Rekha said...

Gopi, I could have helped no? Why you didn't mention me? Why Parmeswar? Silly fellow. Or is it felli?

I'm so hurt!

Urmila Matondkar said...

Last week I got an email from Aspi. He said "Urmy get in line. You are about to become the new Parmeswar Godrej". I haven't read this phaltu blog but it was a wonderful compliment.

So Gopi, that comment should be addressed to ME - the heir apparent of the Parmeswar Godrej sartaaj.

Gauri Blahrukh said...


Surely you must have meant to address your letter to me, no? Who is more deserving of the Parmeshwar Godrej award than I, Gauri Blahrukh Khan. The year I won that award, I had just risen from the waves of the Yamuna sludge... my annual oil bath, you know...hence the oilslicked aphrodite in silver towel look.

I will definitely grace your efforts by being present, soon as I find an outift hideous enough for the occasion.

Blahrukh said...

Oye, last time I came back from KKR game, ghar me roti nahi thee! Time wasting bandh karo and get to work G.

Random Guy said...

I will take your Filmfare avaard, and raise you the Golden Kelas.

Loved the categories for 'When did this come out'? and 'Baawra ho gaya hai ke'.

Your thoughts?

Finally Bwood gets their own Razzies...

Film Crazy said...

awesome genius posts! too funny!! loved the cartoons :-)

Unknown said...

Its about time we had our own razzies. And I bet you they'd be more popular than the original Filmfare awards. All they need is some momentum.

Anonymous said...

i had a girl crush on Chunky Pandey ..sigh!!

Lin said...

Long time aspi.

But I disagree about Vidya. It's not fair to call her that because she wears a beaugiful earthy Sabya saree, blouse and jewelry. Nandita Das would never be called that, probably because she's expected to wear simple but beautiful sarees. Anyway, Good for Vidya for not going for the same old bling, boring sarees.

Sabyachi wrote an article basically bemoaning the fact that people wearing more traditional sarees are not called "aunty" or "behenji"

He used Vidya as an example.

Unknown said...

Lin, I find Sabya's designs dowdy but I'm not much of a fashionista.

I think the aunty vibe is more than just wearing a saree. In fact, in this post I do clarify that. Plenty of people you don't expect to wear a saree who still do it pretty well.